Chapter 8 #2
“My father was part of the reason why I left Yorkshire, but he was not all of it. Mostly I wanted a fresh start, for I discovered the hard way that a woman’s reputation is as fragile as glass and, once broken, not so easy to put back together.”
Adam gazed at her with interest. “What happened, Madeline? You weren’t…”
She quickly shook her head. “No, it never came to that, but it’s not what happens to a woman that matters so much as what appears to happen.
” She paused and looked down at her hands.
“When I was eighteen and visiting Stanley Hall to tutor Lord Jeffrey’s children, the local vicar followed me out into the garden and attempted to compromise me, for which I gave him a black eye. ”
Adam’s face lit up at that. “Good for you.”
“Well, I thought so, too, but my father, alas, did not. He paid the vicar a generous sum to marry me, and the vicar agreed to it, but I refused to marry such a man. My father was furious with me. Then the story about our so-called ‘tryst’ in the garden got out—don’t ask me how—and the vicar blamed me for seducing him.
My reputation was ruined, and the vicar lost his position and insisted on keeping the money for compensation.
My father never forgave me for not marrying the man.
Before that, I always felt that he loved Diana more than me, because if it weren’t for me coming into the world, his beloved wife would still be alive.
But after that, I knew he out-and-out despised me. ”
Adam frowned. “He despised you! His youngest daughter. For defending herself against a lecher. I can only pray that if Penelope ever encounters a man like that detestable vicar, she will have your spunk and spirit, and give him two black eyes.”
Madeline tried to smile, but the familiar shame and embarrassment that her father had pressed into her for years came upon her, despite her deep belief that none of it was her fault. She lowered her gaze to the floor.
To her surprise, Adam’s strong arms enveloped her and pulled her close into the warmth of his chest, where the shock of being held by him—the profound sense of release—took her breath away.
She felt the heat from his body, smelled the outdoors on his clothes…
She could even hear his heart beating within.
A wave of love and desire washed over her.
And then, the intensity of it all, and the fact that he could never be hers, unleashed a flood of tears.
“Madeline,” Adam whispered, stroking her hair and rubbing her back.
She melted as he spoke her name. “It wasn’t your fault.
Whatever torment or grief you endured these past years has not followed you here.
You are in my care now, and I would defend your honor to the death if I had to.
I only wish I had known you then. I would have been your champion. ”
A rush of new feelings coursed through her: an unfamiliar, steadying sensation that came with the knowledge that someone was on her side.
Someone believed her and sympathized with her.
For the first time in her life, she felt valued and appreciated, as if she were part of something. Part of a family that appreciated her.
Oh God! What kind of fool was she to think she could go on denying that she loved this man?
Since she had arrived here and had her dreams crushed, she’d managed to convince herself that her dream of Adam was not real.
That whatever she believed him to be was born out of her imagination and her fanciful illusions of him.
But now that she knew him—the real him—she knew all of it was true, and more. He was the most beautiful, incredible man she had ever known, and she loved him, desperately.
But that realization caused a shock of painful grief in her heart.
It felt as if someone had died, for he did not return her feelings.
The woman he wanted, the woman he truly desired, was her sister.
And even if that weren’t true, he had already sent a proposal of marriage, which meant, if Diana accepted him, he would be obligated, for only the lady could release a man from such an obligation.
At last, Madeline managed to grapple with her feelings and wrestle them to the ground. She drew away from him. “I’m so sorry, Adam, I don’t know what came over me.”
“You have been wronged, Madeline, and no one has been there for you. You deserved a good cry.”
She tried to laugh, even though she felt as if her heart was being ripped in two. “I suppose I did.”
She accepted the handkerchief he offered. Madeline wiped her eyes and blew her nose as she fought to collect herself.
Then Adam reached out and brushed a few loose strands of hair away from her face. His touch was gentle and loving and it filled her with longing.
“You deserve a better life, Madeline,” he said. “You suffered a terrible injustice in England.”
Lowering her gaze again, she nodded. “That is why I did not wish to turn around and go home after I found out that you wanted Diana, and not me.”
“But I do want you, Madeline,” he said softly.
She trembled again and looked up.
All her rational instincts warned her not to misinterpret his words, not to allow herself any false hopes that he might want her in a romantic way.
At the same time, just thinking about it lifted her hopes and shone a tiny beacon of light into her heart.
Treading cautiously, she managed a few shaky words. “I beg your pardon?”
“I mean…I want you to stay with us. I need you to stay.”
Carefully, meticulously, she pressed him for his true meaning, for she had learned her lesson once and had learned it well, and she would never again presume anything about Adam. He would have to hit her over the head with a marriage proposal first. Which wasn’t possible, of course.
“I don’t understand,” she said.
He looked deeply into her eyes. “Mrs. Dalton is getting married. She will be leaving us in a few days, and I am desperate. I need you to stay, at least for a while, until I can find another housekeeper.”
Another housekeeper? Madeline’s stomach clenched tight with a painful mix of heartache and umbrage. “You want me to be your housekeeper?”
“Well, that was your plan, wasn’t it? To support yourself here? You can be sure this is not a charity position. I truly do need you.”
She bit her lip to hold back her foolish indignation, then she spoke with rather impressive self-control and restraint. “But I have already promised the Ripleys.”
“Whatever they are paying you,” Adam said, “I’ll double it.” When she gave no reply, he added, “I’ll triple it, then.”
With a forceful swallow, Madeline pushed down the anger she had no right to feel, for Adam was doing nothing wrong by asking her to stay, and rationally, she knew that.
She had never revealed her true feelings, and to him, she was his future sister-in-law, nothing more.
She was, as she had always been, invisible.
“You cannot leave us now, Madeline,” he said. “Please. Not when you’ve become such a friend to the children. They adore you. I adore you. We could all be so happy together if you will just consider staying.”
She tried to see into the future, tried to imagine how this could possibly turn out well for her.
She pictured Diana arriving and becoming Adam’s wife. Madeline would be forced to watch them retreat to their bedchamber each night while she wished she were the one in Adam’s bed and in his arms.
She would have to listen to them talking and laughing and going off for private walks alone in the fields like they used to do all those years ago.
She could not imagine a worse fate. No amount of money was worth that.
Adam cradled her chin in his hand, and in the dim flickering candlelight, she saw the pleading in his eyes.
Oh, if only it were a different kind of pleading—one filled with love. The kind of love a husband feels for a wife.
“Please, Madeline, do not leave. I cannot possibly get along without you, not now. We have become such good…such good friends.”
They stood by the bookcase, gazing at each other in the flickering, golden candlelight. Madeline breathed in the scent of his shaving soap and felt as if she were floating in a sea of love.
If Adam thought she was a child, he was wrong. She was a woman, a woman who wanted to belong to him, body and soul. Was there a chance he could ever see her that way? What if Diana were not in the picture? Would he open his eyes to Madeline then?
The thought jolted her.
What if Diana refused him? Was it not possible?
Was there not a slim chance that by the time she received Adam’s proposal, she might have already met someone else?
Her mourning period had ended months ago, and Madeline had not spoken to her since then.
Adam’s proposal would take at least six weeks to reach her.
Perhaps she would receive it and not wish to marry him.
She might release him from his obligation.
And what if Adam fell in love with Madeline in the meantime? What would happen then?
Lord, what was she thinking? She was not a devious person. She loved her sister, and if Diana did come, Madeline could not steal away the true love of her life.
But Adam was the love of Madeline’s life.
Why should she sacrifice her happiness for Diana, who had always gotten the best of everything and had chosen to throw Adam over for a better catch years ago, while Madeline had suffered and been punished for something she could not control.
For being born feet first. That had not been her fault, and the fact that she had never known her mother was as painful and damaging to her as it had been for everyone else.
Still, the fact remained that Adam loved Diana, not Madeline, and Madeline wasn’t sure she would ever be able to change that, even if she tried. Diana had been the love of his life, after all.
“Will you stay?” Adam asked, still stroking her cheek, and she realized it was a seduction of sorts—maybe not a romantic one, and maybe not a conscious one, either, but an effective one all the same, for it found its mark.
She simply could not fathom leaving him, even if it meant a lifetime of heartache.
“Yes, Adam. I will stay.”