Chapter 17
Chapter Seventeen
Madeline watched Adam rise to his feet and felt a prickling of unease, for he looked as if he were going to deliver shocking, terrible news. Though what could possibly be worse than what had already occurred, she could not imagine.
Adam held out his hand. “Come with me.”
Despite her uncertainty, Madeline accepted his hand and followed him to the reading corner at the end of the hall. Floor-to-ceiling bookcases surrounded them, and Adam lit the candles. He sat down in an upholstered chair opposite Madeline while the wind and rain rattled the window.
“I must tell you something, Madeline.”
“What is it?” Madeline stood. “Good Lord, Charlie’s not hurt, is he?”
Adam gazed up at her, his face solemn. “Charlie is fine. Please, sit down.”
She did as he asked and waited fretfully for him to speak.
“This is difficult,” he said. “I don’t know where to begin, so I will start by telling you that what happened to Diana was not your fault. It was mine.”
She stared blankly at him. “How so?”
A muscle trembled at his jaw. “Because this afternoon, while you were outside with John, I told Diana that I could not marry her.”
His words struck Madeline like a bucket of cold water in the face. “But…why?”
Adam met her gaze directly. A vein stood out at his temple. Madeline sat across from him in shock, not certain why he was telling her this now.
“I couldn’t marry her because I do not love her, Madeline.”
She stammered in bewilderment. “But you said you did.”
“That was before I knew you.”
Madeline frowned in confusion. “But all along, you wanted her to come. The picture…the letters…”
Adam squeezed her hands. “I know this is the worst time imaginable to have this conversation, but as soon as Diana wakes up, you’re going to hear the truth anyway, and I would rather that you hear it from me.
She went riding alone because of what happened between us.
I told her that I could not marry her, because… because I was in love with you.”
For a long moment, Madeline sat in her chair, immobile, listening only to the sound of her blood pounding in her ears. She stared blankly at Adam. “You can’t be.”
He bowed his head.
“You can’t possibly love me. I’m nothing.”
His eyes lifted. “You are not nothing. You’re everything.”
“You must be confused, Adam, because of what happened today.”
“No, I am not. And when Diana wakes up,” he said, “she is going to tell you exactly what happened today, and make me out to be a rake and a philanderer. Now she will despise me more than ever because of the accident, and I cannot blame her for that.”
Madeline blinked at him, in shock.
“But you must also know,” he continued, “that I was searching for you so that I could have the chance to explain my feelings in my own way, and to tell you that I am not a dishonorable man. No matter what she tells you, and no matter what you choose to believe, please know that I have grown to care for you deeply and ardently over these past weeks, Madeline, even though I did my best to fight it.” His blue eyes held her steady, locked in the depths of his gaze.
“Believe me, I felt that a break with Diana was the right thing to do. I had no idea any of this would happen. If I had known, I would have handled things differently, I assure you.”
Adam paused for a moment. He closed his eyes and held them shut before opening them to continue.
“The truth is,” he said, squeezing her hands in his, “that when I brought you with me to meet Lord Blackthorne’s ship, I had a letter in my pocket which I intended to send to London, a letter which instructed my solicitor there to halt the proxy marriage or annul it if necessary.
I had hoped to prevent Diana from coming in the first place, to retract my proposal and make things right, so that I would be free to love you. ”
Madeline’s whole body shuddered with a mixture of disbelief and despair…and guilt. Oh, how she had dreamed of hearing these words from Adam, even while she was forcing herself to accept that she never would.
Now that it was real, she found that she could hardly believe it. How could he want dull, stubborn, mousy Madeline over beautiful, bewitching Diana?
“I don’t understand,” she softly said. “When did your feelings change, and why didn’t you tell me before?”
“They changed very gradually over time,” he explained, “and I didn’t tell you because I was trying to fight it. I didn’t want to fall in love with you. I was engaged to your sister, and by the time I was ready to take steps toward winning your heart, it was too late. Diana stepped off the boat.”
Madeline covered her face with her hands. “I cannot believe this is happening.”
He reached for her hand. “Forgive me, Madeline. It was never my intention to cause you or Diana pain.”
“But you have, and I don’t know what to do now. I don’t know what you want from me.”
“I only wanted you to know the truth,” he said.
“But what am I supposed to do with it? I cannot be happy about it. I cannot accept your love and fall willingly into your arms. Diana is wounded and broken, she may never walk again—and now to learn that she is heartbroken, too?”
A part of Madeline wanted to scream at Adam for waiting until this moment to tell her this. For telling her at all! For what could she do now, but suffer with terrible guilt for the tragedy that had befallen Diana, and a lifetime of regrets for what might have been, if things had been different?
She cleared her throat. “I don’t know what to say, Adam.”
“Say anything. Scream at me if you like, for I was so wrong about what I thought would make me happy. You must think me a foolish man.”
Foolish? No more foolish than I.
Madeline knew she was as much to blame for this accident as Adam, for whether he realized it or not, she had helped cause whatever confusion he was experiencing now.
She had acted like a wife to him in all ways but one.
She had supported him, encouraged intimacy in their conversations.
She had taken care of his family and cooked for them, and she had been as charming as she knew how to be.
On top of that, Madeline had entertained terrible thoughts, wishing Diana would jilt Adam again, so that she herself could pick up the pieces.
Or she had wished that Adam would jilt Diana, so that for once in her life, Madeline—the ugly duckling sister—could be the chosen one.
Now she was. But at what cost?
The rain battered against the window, the panes rattled in the wind. Adam and Madeline sat in stony silence.
“I am so sorry, Madeline,” he said. “Will you ever be able to forgive me?”
Madeline felt tears coming, tried to subdue them, but it was no use. She still loved Adam with all her heart, but she could not be with him now, despite his beautiful, astonishing declaration of love. She could never be so cruel and disloyal to her sister when her future was so bleak.
Madeline breathed shakily and forced herself to speak. “This has been a terrible day, Adam. I doubt you even know what you are saying.”
Head bowed low, he shook his head. “I know exactly what I am saying. I love you. With every breath in my body.”
She swallowed hard and laid her hand gently on his cheek. “I love you, too, Adam. But this cannot be. Not now.”
He grabbed hold of her hand on his cheek and kissed her palm. She allowed it for a moment, then squeezed her hand into a fist and pulled it away.
“We cannot do this to ourselves,” she said. “We must cling to some semblance of honor.”
Overcome with regret, Adam closed his eyes and turned his face away.
“I’m sorry,” she said, her voice quivering, “but I must go and be with Diana now. She will need me when she wakes up.”
Madeline rose from her chair.
“Wait, please…” Adam’s voice trembled. “Don’t go yet. I need to know. If this hadn’t happened, would you have become my wife? Would you ever have been able to love me as I love you?”
She stared blankly at him. Her heart was reeling. She was positively aching inside. She had loved Adam all her life, but he’d had no idea….
Now a barn had collapsed on her sister, while the entire world was collapsing around Madeline.
Her voice quavered as she spoke. “How can you not know the answer to that question?”
All the color drained from his face.
“I loved you the first moment I saw you in Yorkshire, when I was only just a girl, and I have loved you every day since. When I stepped off the ship, I thought all my dreams had come true, yet I have been struggling all this time to crush my love. To conquer my feelings and stop wanting what I believed was forbidden to me.”
Her response was like a blow to Adam’s chest. The wind sailed out of his lungs. “You loved me all along? But you never told me.”
“How could I? I was held back by the same circumstances as you. You were engaged to my sister, and I believed that you loved her.”
He took a cautious step forward and touched Madeline’s cheek with the back of a finger. “My darling….”
Her eyes were wide and bloodshot as she gazed up at him. Adam’s heart swelled with love for her. “Please do not tell me this can never be.”
She blinked, as if in some kind of stupor.
He couldn’t stop himself. She was so beautiful, so kind and lovely in every way… He lowered his mouth to hers.
A tiny moan escaped her as he brushed his lips over hers, reveling in the gentle tentativeness of the kiss. Her lips parted and he kissed her deeply while he cupped her whole face in his hands.
How long he had waited to do just this….
Then he pulled back from the kiss and whispered to her as he rested his forehead against hers. “Please tell me we can work through this.”
Madeline said nothing for a moment, then she stepped away from him, her lashes sweeping downward. She sucked in a breath.
He wanted to hold her. He reached for her, but she took another step away, almost as if she feared him.
“I don’t know what your intentions are with Diana,” she said.
“That is between the two of you, but you must know that nothing can happen between us now. I cannot betray my sister and run off with you, not after what has happened to her. How could I do that? She still loves you, Adam.” Madeline put a hand on her stomach, as if she felt ill.
“Her life, as she knew it, is over. She will be in pain. She will need a nurse and a companion. And if she wishes to return to Yorkshire, I will have to go with her.”
Hands trembling visibly, Madeline backed away from Adam and returned to Diana’s bedchamber.
Adam stared after her for a long, painful moment, then leaned back against the wall and sank numbly, with despair, to the floor.