Chapter 20 #2
“Why not? Have you no longings, Madeline? No heart? We have been ignoring each other for days now, and I have been forced to follow your lead, closing myself off to what I really feel and putting on a show for the rest of the world. What is it? Are you truly without pain inside, or can I be optimistic and flatter myself by thinking that maybe someday, you might care for me again?”
An unwelcome tension wrapped tightly around Madeline. “There is no point in hoping. It only sets us up for disappointment.”
“Is that a fact? Well, I cannot help hoping. Nor can I stop wanting you.”
She couldn’t believe he was being so open after six days of complete silence.
He held the tea strainer over her cup and poured, then shoved her cup across the table toward her.
Madeline kept her eyes on her tea. Her heart was racing in her chest like a runaway stallion.
No one before Adam had ever spoken so candidly to her before, with such intense, pent-up anger.
No one had ever told her that they actually wanted her. Certainly not when Diana was within their grasp.
“Diana might be an invalid,” she said, groping for words. “She might never walk again.”
“She will not be an invalid,” he said. “Those are excuses. I took you for more of an optimist than that.”
Still, Madeline would not look up. “I just want to be prepared for the worst.”
He sat down. “Fine. I can accept that. But if that is the worst, and you go back to Yorkshire with her and see that she is settled in your family home, you would not have to stay there forever. She will have your father, and she has enough money to hire a nurse.”
“But Adam…”
He shook his head. “She will walk again. I’ve seen her leg—it’s still there.
She’ll have a limp at the very worst. And she is still young and beautiful.
She can move about in society and have a gripping story to entertain her acquaintances.
It’s my guess that she will have every unmarried gentleman within a hundred miles standing in line for hours, begging to hear her tell it in her own charming, melodramatic words. ”
For the next few minutes, they sat in stiff silence while Madeline drank her tea.
When she finished, she stood up to leave, for she didn’t know what else to say to Adam.
She couldn’t change the way things were.
Diana still loved him and wanted him, and Madeline—no matter how angry she was at her sister for how she had been treating her lately, and all their lives—could not kick her when she was down.
Adam stood also. “Wait, you didn’t answer my question.”
“What question?” Whatever it was, Madeline feared it.
“If Diana recovers and finds happiness—” Adam’s tone softened a bit “—will you consider returning to Cumberland?”
The very idea that he was asking her filled Madeline with such yearning, her whole being came alive.
All her life, she had smothered her emotions, kept them quietly still within, but at this moment, they were thrashing about inside her, leaping to life, fighting to get out! She slowly turned to face him.
Adam watched her briefly, then moved around the table that stood between them. He took her chin in his hand and lifted it, forcing her to look at him.
“The other day, when you walked away from me, I was angry with you for shutting me out. I’m still angry at you for ignoring me every day since, but God help me, Madeline, I burn for you and I can’t stop it.”
“I had no choice,” she explained. “I’m sorry, Adam, but I cannot betray Diana. Not when she is still so in love with you.”
He frowned. “Yet you will not let me tell her the truth to end it.”
She gazed up at him imploringly, wishing he would release her, but release her from what? She was not his prisoner. He was not holding her captive. Adam merely held her chin in his hand. She could leave if she wanted to.
Oh, but no…
She was locked in the rapture of his gaze.
Suddenly he pulled her into his arms and pressed his mouth to hers.
The feel of his lips threw whiskey on the fire that had been simmering in her for weeks now.
It burst into a roaring, raging blaze. And though she knew it was wrong, she couldn’t help but reach her arms around Adam’s neck and hold him tight, finally allowing tears to spill over her cheeks.
He held her face in his hands and kissed her again.
Madeline had fantasized about what it would be like to kiss Adam passionately like this, but never could she have guessed it would be anything quite so profound—a luscious, incomprehensible pleasure.
It was unknown territory. Any physical sensation she had ever known before paled in comparison to this staggering, overwhelming joy.
Adam’s fingers caressed the wisps of hair surrounding her face, and the power of her emotions obliterated everything else. It was all so new to her.
The sound of a door opening and closing upstairs pulled Madeline back to reality. Heart racing, she pulled away from Adam and listened for Hilary returning.
The house was quiet, though Madeline’s blood rushed noisily in her ears like a raging waterfall.
She gazed up at Adam. His chest was heaving; he looked shaken. Agitated.
“We took this too far,” she said.
He closed his eyes, then slowly opened them.
“Will you always put Diana’s feelings first, when she has never considered yours?
You are not her maid. You are an independent woman.
Do not disguise what you’re doing as sisterly loyalty, Madeline.
You feel guilty about what we have become to each other, and you are afraid of caring for me because you don’t want to be hurt.
You’re trying to make me think that you feel nothing for me, to drive me away, so that you can leave easily without any risks or regrets.
But you cannot fool me. There is passion in you. I saw it just now, I felt it.”
“Please, Adam, there is so much for me to work out.” She heard Hilary’s footsteps upstairs, returning to Diana’s room. “You don’t understand.”
Madeline gazed up at the ceiling and thought of her sister and wished she could explain it to Adam. Yes, she and Diana had grown apart, but there was so much more to it than that.
“I know that Diana seems cruel sometimes, but she is still my sister. When I was very young, she used to read to me. And when you came calling, she would tell me all the romantic things you said to her. She would comb my hair and tell me that one day, I would marry my own prince charming. I cannot forget that, Adam. She was all I had. I cling to those memories. I’m sorry. ”
Not knowing what else to say, she turned away from him.
“Madeline,” he called after her. She stopped in the doorway but would not face him. “It’s a mistake to cling to something that no longer exists. You’re not a child anymore.”
His words burrowed deep into her consciousness. Benumbed by their sharp effect, all she could do was turn and hurry up the stairs.
* * *
Adam stood in the kitchen doorway and watched Madeline wash the supper dishes with Penelope.
He remembered all the things he and Madeline had said to each other earlier that day, and wished he had been able to say the one thing that would convince her to let go of the past. Maybe it was selfish of him, but what could he do?
He wanted Madeline more than he’d ever wanted anyone, even Diana all those years ago.
This was different. The need for Madeline was deeper.
Truer. She was meant to be with him and he knew it as surely as he knew his own hand.
I tasted the passion in your kiss, Adam thought with absolute certainty. You cannot pretend you are in control of your heart. At least not to me.
Suddenly he felt a great need to ascertain Diana’s wellness, for so much depended upon her recovery. He quietly climbed the stairs and knocked on her door.
“Come in!” Diana replied in a singsong voice.
Adam entered. Hilary was seated at Diana’s bedside, but as soon as the maid saw him, she lowered the book she had been reading aloud.
“Hilary, will you get us some tea please?” Diana asked in a polite voice.
“Yes, my lady.” The young woman set the book on the tall chest of drawers and left the room.
Adam moved to pick it up. “Clarissa, The History of a Young Lady. Samuel Richardson.”
He experienced the draining effects of melancholy as he read the title, for he remembered the night he and Madeline discussed books in his study. She had wanted to read this, but she had never gotten the chance. She had been too busy caring for his children and making his house a home.
Diana shifted on the bed, sitting up straighter and fussing with her hair. “I sent Hilary downstairs for a book from your study. I hope you don’t mind. I told her to get the fattest one she could find.”
He set the book down again. “She chose well, then.”
“If I had known, however, that Clarissa would be confined to her room for the first five hundred pages, I might have instructed Hilary to choose something else, something more descriptive of the outdoors.” She smiled sweetly at him.
Adam moved toward the bed and sat in the rocking chair beside it. “How are you feeling today?”
“Much better, thank you. You are very kind to ask. My headaches have all but disappeared, and my leg—as long as I don’t move it too much—is almost free of pain.”
“Well, that is good news. Do you think you would like to come downstairs tomorrow? Jacob and I could help you. It might do you good to sit in the parlor and—”
“Heavens, no. I’m not ready for that. My condition is still much too delicate.”
He paused, feeling his hopes dashed. “Well, I suppose that is to be expected. It’s only been a week. But look how far you’ve come. This time next week, I am sure you’ll be ready to try and take a few steps.”
“A few steps? Adam, you are much too confident. I cannot imagine getting out of this bed for weeks yet! If I ever manage it at all! Quite frankly, I am afraid of it. I do not want you to see me fall or limp.” She gazed morosely at the window.
“What will become of me, Adam? I am no longer the beauty I once was.”
They sat in uncomfortable silence for a few minutes. Adam wished Hilary would return with the tea.
“How are you, Adam?” she asked.
He knew with regret that she had expected him to hold her just then, or reassure her, tell her that she was still as beautiful as ever. But he had not done any of those things. He wondered what she was making of that.
“How is your work coming on the marshlands?” It was the first time she had ever asked him anything about “work.” He was surprised she even managed to let the word pass her lips.
Thankful for a safe topic, Adam began to describe the situation. He explained the breaks in the dykes, the repairs necessary, and how it would be a few years before the land would be productive again.
“A few years? But that’s your livelihood.”
“Yes, it is, I’m afraid, but all is not lost. The uplands were untouched, and we will have more than enough food to see us through the winter.
We’ll simply have to forgo spending anything on luxuries.
” He remembered telling Madeline the same thing that afternoon.
Her reply had been a sigh of relief. She had said, “Thank goodness.”
Diana was staring at him now, a look of bewilderment on her face. “You will have no spending money at all? Nothing?”
“Nothing,” he answered flatly.
She shifted uneasily on the bed. “Well…I suppose there is my inheritance. That could tide us over, provide a cushion to meet our needs.”
“We will be able to meet all our needs,” Adam told her. “As I said, the crops are quite substantial and—”
“People have other needs besides a full belly, Adam.” Her tone was condescending. “We must be able to entertain, or to purchase the occasional trinket.”
He cleared his throat. “Lavish entertaining is not exactly a common pastime here in Cumberland, Diana. The people here are farmers. This is not high society. Perhaps Viscount Blackthorne’s visit gave you the wrong impression of how we live.”
She laughed. “Oh, Adam, I don’t expect to live like a queen. Besides, I am sure the viscount will return. He seemed to enjoy himself tremendously.”
Hilary entered with the tea.
“Will you read to me, Adam?” Diana asked, wincing with pain as she sat up to receive the tea Hilary was pouring. “I do so love the cadence of your deep voice. Perhaps it will help me relax, and I can get a good night’s sleep. I have had such trouble sleeping the past few days.”
“Certainly.” He rose to retrieve the book, and realized with some discomfort that he could no more break her heart now than he could push her out of bed while she slept, for he was not entirely without compassion.
Yet tomorrow, he knew that Diana would again be treating Madeline like dirt under her fingernails. For a moment, he considered telling Diana the truth—the cold, hard truth, with nothing to spare—then he forced himself to sit down and just read.