Chapter 4
CHAPTER
FOUR
Ker
I had such a good time last night. Ker rolled over in bed, letting the sun warm his face as it streamed in the window. I know Ash said it wasn’t really a date after I made a fool of myself and tried to flirt with him, but he seemed to flirt a little too, right? Shit! Enough already. At least for now, you’re just friends. Stop overthinking everything and do something constructive!
Ker rose, padding to the bathroom to get ready for the day. What he’d told Ash the night before was true: he had done some laundry, but he still had to dry the towels that he’d tossed in the wash yesterday. And he really needed to pick up a few things at the grocery store.
After tossing the towels into the dryer, he toasted the last two slices of bread and made himself a cup of coffee, then scooted out the door. While he walked most places—his office, the coffee shop, and A Helping Hand were all just a few blocks from his apartment—a trip to the grocery store meant taking his car so he didn’t have to lug a bunch of bags while he walked home.
He had a list of things to get in the Notes app on his phone, so he dutifully went up and down each aisle, picking up bread, pasta, jarred sauce, and several other items. After paying and bagging up his purchases, he wheeled the shopping cart out to his blue Honda hatchback, then spotted a familiar face.
“Hey, Ker,” the man said, walking along with him. “How’s things?”
“Oh, hey, um, just fine, Cody.” Dammit! The dealer he’d almost bought from a year ago was the last person he wanted to see.
“Need anything?” he asked, his voice slick and almost hypnotic.
“No, I’m good, thanks.”
“You sure? I’ve got some kicker. I know how much you like that.” Cody’s smile was almost a sneer as he said “kicker,” one of the street names for oxycodone.
“I’m not doing that anymore. Leave me alone,” Ker spat, loading the last of the groceries into his vehicle and slamming the cart into the nearby corral. He hurried back to his car and sped away.
Ker was shaking and nearly hyperventilating when he reached his apartment. He sat in the car for a few minutes, trying to calm down. Once he felt his breathing return to something normal, he grabbed a couple of bags and trudged inside. After a second trip, everything was in the kitchen. He forced himself to put everything away, when in fact all he wanted to do was scream.
Placing the last jar of sauce into the cupboard, he ran to his bedroom and threw himself onto the bed, burying his face in the pillow. Only then did he let himself cry out in frustration. Why did he have to run into Cody today? Ker had been so fucking tempted when he saw him. Just a couple of pills to get him through the day. He remembered that feeling of almost floating, not a care in the world. He craved that. Wanted it so badly sometimes.
After a few minutes, he sat up. No. That wasn’t the answer. Grabbing his phone, he called his NA sponsor, Bob. He was an older guy and had been a rock for Ker, helping him through the rough spots, especially last year when Ker had come so close to messing up again. They talked for almost forty-five minutes. Just before hanging up, Bob said, “Remember, Ker, none of us is perfect. Sometimes we fuck up, and as long as you realize what’s happening and do something to remedy the situation, it’s all good. It’s an opportunity to learn and grow. I’m glad you called me. I’m here for you, kid.” Ker felt much better when they finally wrapped up their call. It had definitely been the right decision to call Bob.
Okay, enough wallowing. Ker got the towels from the dryer, folded them, and put them away. He decided to make himself a sandwich and then clean the apartment. Keeping busy was always important at times like this. By the time he was done, it was only five thirty. He figured that attending an NA meeting was a good idea, so he jumped in the shower, got into some clean clothes, and headed out the door in record time.
“Hi, I’m Monica, and I’m an addict,” the young woman said. She looked to be in her teens, but Ker had seen her before and knew she was actually in her late twenties.
“Hi, Monica,” everyone replied, Ker included. He had arrived just as the meeting started and was sitting toward the back of the two circular rows of chairs in the church basement. There were nine or ten people in attendance. He saw Bob across the circle in the front row and nodded; Bob smiled back.
After Monica finished sharing, an older man stood up and told his story. Ker thought about all the stories he’d heard over the months and years he’d been attending meetings. After a while, they were all so similar, tales of struggle, stories of perseverance, times that someone failed, and instances where people triumphed. In those stories—even the difficult ones—Ker found hope. They reminded him that he wasn’t alone. So many others were going through the same struggles, and if he was strong, everything would be okay.
After the man sat down, there was a brief lull, and he noticed Bob staring at him, eyebrows raised. Ah, shit, he wants me to share. Ker could have easily shaken his head, but he knew deep down this was why he had come to the meeting. Sharing helped him face his demons and helped lift the guilt off his shoulders. He nodded at Bob and stood up.
“Hi, I’m Walker, and I’m an addict.” Even though he was often embarrassed by those words, he knew that saying them gave him power. Acknowledging what he was made him feel more in control. “If you’ve heard me share before, you know I’ve been dealing with this for a long time. And you may remember that I had a bad time almost a year ago. But I’ve been clean since then although it hasn’t been easy. In fact, today was really bad. I went out to buy groceries earlier, and I ran into someone who is really bad news for me. The person I almost bought from a year ago. They tried to sell me some pills, but I managed to escape without giving in.”
Ker paused to catch his breath. “When I got home, I buried my face in a pillow and screamed. It was just so frigging tempting. But I knew I couldn’t do it again. Then I called my sponsor, and we talked for a while, and that helped. A lot. Yeah, every day is a struggle. Some are worse than others. But with the support that we have, we can get through it one day at a time. Thanks for listening.”
Ker sat and looked at Bob. Bob was smiling and nodding at him. The sharing part of the meeting broke up shortly after that, and he stood around and drank coffee and chatted with a few of the regulars. When he felt a hand on his shoulder, he turned.
“Thanks for sharing tonight, Ker,” Bob said. “Did it help?”
“It always does,” Ker replied, smiling. “You know me so very well.” They chatted for a few more minutes, and then Ker took his leave.
Lying in bed later that night, Ker’s thoughts turned to Ash. He liked hanging out with him and was pretty sure that Ash felt the same way. Going out for dinner with him the night before had been fun, and even if it hadn’t been a date, it was good to get out with someone new and talk about normal stuff. The truth was, Ker didn’t have a lot of friends. Sure, there were a couple of people at work that he’d chat with about the latest box office success or a game they had watched over the weekend, but there was no one that he’d call to go out and grab lunch with or anything. Even Bob, his sponsor, wasn’t truly a friend. Bob was there for him when he was weak, but the fact was, they didn’t hang out together. Ever.
But he felt different when he thought of Ash. He hadn’t lied when he had said he trusted Ash, and frankly, he wasn’t sure why. He’d only known him for a little over a week, but there was something about Ash that made him relax and feel comfortable. Okay, so last night hadn’t really been a date, but even hanging out with a friend was nice. Dammit, why are you so hung up about whether or not it was a date? Yes, the fact of the matter was that Ash was a friend. Maybe someday it could turn into more, but for now, friendship was good. And more could be nice too, right?
As he drifted off to sleep, one thing he knew for sure was that he planned on telling Ash about today. After all, Ash had said he wanted to know about the bad days too.