Chapter 23
23
Silas
After sound check, we went out to the parking lot where the buses were, like usual. Jasper and his assistant Garrett were preparing dinner while the rest of us chilled before the show. Or at least I was attempting to chill, but I couldn’t stop thinking about what had happened in the hotel room only a couple of hours prior.
Since we’d boarded the bus to head over to the theater, Cash and I had only spoken a handful of words to each other. Now he sat at the table with the group, scrolling through his phone as though the two of us getting off together wasn’t a big deal.
Maybe for him, it wasn’t.
But what had been meant as a joke to ease the awkwardness of him walking in on me, had turned into something I hadn’t expected. I couldn’t get the image out of my head of him stroking his dick while lying only a few feet away from me, and it was impossible to ignore how much I had liked watching him.
The problem was, I didn’t know if I was really into Cash, or if our circumstances—spending nearly every moment of the last few weeks together—were making me see him in a way I’d never viewed another man before.
When I noticed Malachi head over to the bus alone, I decided to follow. He was the only person I could think of who might be able to provide some insight that might help me sort out the tangled mess in my head.
“I’ll be right back.”
Cash looked up from his phone. “Everything okay?”
I flashed him a grin. “Yep, I just want to talk to Malachi for a minute before we go on stage.”
He nodded and turned back to whatever he’d been looking at.
I climbed up the steps of the bus and found Malachi standing near the refrigerator, taking a drink from a bottle of water.
He glanced at me and gave me a head nod. “What’s up?”
“Not much.” I grabbed a water for myself and sat on the couch. “Just wanted to ask you something.”
He took a seat on the couch opposite me. “Okay. Shoot.”
I twisted open the bottle and took a sip before speaking. “When did you know you were into both men and women?”
He blinked. “Why do you ask? Something going on?”
“No. Just curious,” I lied.
He smirked. “Uh huh, because that’s a question someone asks for no reason.”
I let out a long sigh. “I don’t know, man. My brain is sort of mixed up right now, and you’re the only person I can talk to about this who might understand.”
The playful smirk vanished from his face. “Of course you can talk to me about anything. As far as when I knew, I can’t think of a specific moment when it all clicked. In high school, I just knew I was attracted to guys and women, and when I thought about hooking up, gender wasn’t really part of the equation.”
Even though I couldn’t relate, what he said made sense. However, it didn’t make things clearer for me. “So, you sort of always knew?”
He shrugged. “Yeah, but that doesn’t mean it’s how it works for everyone. If you’re attracted to somebody, maybe you’re just attracted to them, and you don’t need to overanalyze it.”
“Like I said, I was just curious.”
He looked at me with playful skepticism. “If you say so, but can I offer you one more piece of advice?”
I nodded. “Sure.”
“If this is about Cash, you should be careful.” I opened my mouth to argue, but he held up a hand. “I promise I’m not judging, but he’s here because he has a job to do. It’s clear he cares about you, and we’re happy he’s helping keep you on track with your recovery. But the way he feels about you might be different than how you’re feeling.”
“I didn’t say I was talking about Cash,” I retorted lamely, because who else would I possibly be talking about? Cash was the only person I spent time with besides my bandmates.
“You’re right. I don’t know what’s going on in your head. But all of us are super proud of the progress you’ve made, and I’d hate for anything to happen that might backfire and cause you to lose a very important part of your support team.”
“Got it.” And I did. Cash was off-limits for a variety of reasons, but that had never stopped me before when I saw something I wanted.
He stood. “Good, and remember, I’m always here for you, no matter what.”
When he walked out, I leaned my head back on the couch. While I understood my friend’s concern, nothing he said helped me with my immediate problem. Despite knowing it would be smart not to cross any lines with Cash, the need to find out if I was attracted to him or just looking for something—or someone—to fill the void left by the lifestyle I’d given up was all-consuming.
The energy at the Las Vegas show was off the charts. One of the things I’d been concerned about while at rehab was if I’d be able to return and deliver the sort of show our fans deserved, but thankfully, performing had been the easiest part of my life to slip back into .
When the meet and greet was over, all of us headed back to the hotel. Riding the elevator up to our floor, I tried to participate in the conversations going on around me, but the only thing I could focus on was my desperate need to figure out this situation with Cash once and for all. If it turned out I wasn’t really into him, then I could move on and all would be fine. But if I was, I didn’t know what I’d do.
“You want the first shower?” he asked as we walked into our room.
I dropped into the chair by the window. After playing the drums for two hours, I desperately needed a shower, but I had too much on my mind to care. “Nah, you go ahead. I’ll take one when you’re done.”
He pulled some clothes out of his suitcase and went to the bathroom, leaving me alone with my thoughts. Never had I been so confused about my feelings toward someone, in fact I couldn’t remember a time when feelings even came into play. For most of my adult life, sex was uncomplicated. I found a woman I was attracted to, hooked up with her, and then moved on. But with Cash, something felt different.
Maybe my brain was messing with me. All during rehab, the various therapists I spoke to encouraged me to remain celibate and focus on myself for a bit. It sounded like a good idea at the time, but I couldn’t ignore the chemistry Cash and I seemed to share. Or, it was possible I was making the situation into something bigger than it really was because it’d been almost two months since my dick had seen any action other than my own fist.
There was only one way to find out.
I needed to kiss him.
If I kissed him, then maybe I’d know if I was into him or if I was just a horny asshole looking for any sort of release.
My heart rate sped up when I heard the shower turn off, and it felt like an eternity passed before he stepped out of the bathroom wearing nothing but a pair of basketball shorts.
“That felt great,” he said, running a towel over his brown hair.
Damn, he looked good.
Before I could talk myself out of it, I stood and walked straight toward him.
His brow furrowed in confusion when I stopped mere inches away and glanced at his lips before looking him in the eyes. “What’s up?” he asked.
“I need to try something.”
I pressed my mouth to his, hesitant at first, but when he didn’t push me away immediately, I traced his lips with my tongue until he allowed me to deepen the kiss. He tasted like minty mouthwash, and I couldn’t get enough. Suddenly, him being my sober companion or even my sister’s ex no longer mattered. I knew I wanted him.
But then he pulled back, his breath coming out in short pants. “We can’t do this.”