Chapter 5
Brendan
My thoughts spiral even as the pleasure builds, Ky giving it to me like his life depends on it.
Because we’re fucking now, taking more and more risks the longer this thing goes on.
I’m a fool for allowing it and a bigger fool for being the one getting fucked!
What’s worse, Ky never stops pushing for more, wanting us to spend all our time together, wanting to come out, to kiss me, hold hands, and go on faggy dates.
“Oh fuck,” I moan like a girl.
“Yeah, you love it, don’t you?” Ky says, his breath hot on my neck.
And I do. I fucking love it more than air.
All the anger and emptiness fades when we’re together like this.
We steal moments in parks, in public toilets and down on the beach.
We usually stand, and I never face him, claiming it’s impossible to do it any other way because of where we are, or because we need to be quick.
But, truthfully, if I were to face him, I would drag his mouth to mine, lost in the blinding heat.
Which can never happen, because, if it did, I wouldn’t be able to deny the truth any longer… that I’m gay.
I let go of all the thoughts that make my stomach twist with fear, and we orgasm together. Ky holds me so tightly it hurts.
When he pulls out, I whimper at the loss, but his arms immediately tighten once again. It’s embarrassing to admit, but I really want to hold his hand. I want to kiss him. Why am I so fucking weak like a bitch? What’s wrong with me? I hate feeling this way.
We’re on Long Island beach and the place is deserted on this cool spring evening.
The moon is glowing bright, the only witness to the truth of what’s going on between us.
We’re a fair way back from the water and almost into the bush, on a towel on our sides, our first time fucking lying down.
We only pushed our trackies down to our knees in case a quick escape was needed.
“You want help cleanin’ up?” Ky asks before placing his lips on the back of my neck. He thinks he’s fooling me, but I know it’s his version of a kiss.
“Not a fuckin’ girl,” I snap. “Don’t need help.
” I pull out of his arms and sit up onto my knees, rifling through my backpack for the small towel I carry around for this exact reason.
I clean myself then shove the towel into Ky’s hands so he can do the same.
I watch him for a second, squashing the urge to push him back down onto the ground and nestle into his warmth.
I’m not stupid, I know I’ve got feelings for him. I’m totally fucked.
“You wanna walk along the beach for a while?” I ask, not ready to let go of the evening.
“Sure, the moon is full and there’s so many stars. It’s beautiful.”
I screw up my face. “Fuckin’ lame, Ky. You gonna write a romance novel next?”
“Fuck off. Let’s go.”
We zip up our backpacks and throw them over our shoulders, walking towards the water’s edge. The bay is almost still tonight, the tiny waves barely making a sound. We stroll in silence for a minute or two, heading towards the Frankston beach, the pier slowly coming into view.
Ky stops and I turn back to look at him, his solemn face staring out to sea. “Somethin’ wrong?” I ask, walking back to him.
“I don’t want you to go on the supply run with Bruce next weekend. I gotta bad feelin’ about it.”
I puff out an exasperated breath. “I gotta go. You know I do.”
“No, you don’t. You’re almost eighteen now. You can do whatever you want. He’s not your real dad, Bren.”
“Yeah, but if I wanna place to live I gotta. Once I get that apprenticeship and save some money I’ll be outta there. Besides, you worry your pretty face too much. I’ll be fine.”
My words don’t seem to help. I reach up and stroke his cheek with my thumb, wanting his smile to return. He grabs the fabric of my hoodie and pulls me closer.
“I’m scared of losin’ you. To juvie. Or if you keep doing this, to prison.”
I swallow, heat flushing my skin as his gaze pings between my eyes and mouth. I want him so bad when he says nice shit like that. I suck in a breath as I lean closer, wanting to give in. His lips are like magnets. But there’s no going back if I do this.
On trembling legs, I slide my hand around the back of his neck and pull him to me.
The kiss is clumsy and too hard, and our teeth clash.
I consider running, but then Ky whimpers, and kisses me back, sucking my bottom lip between his.
I moan, pulling our bodies closer, wanting to destroy any remaining space separating us.
He licks across my lips, and I open for him, seek him out with my own tongue.
And holy fuck the feeling is insane! The kiss takes over every cell of my body—the softness of his lips, his sweet taste, and his desperate tongue.
“Oh fuck, Ky,” I groan when he finally allows me to surface for air. But then he’s kissing me again and again and I think I might die. I’m already hard, but it’s not sex that I want. It’s more of this.
I push him away, fear gripping my insides. “We should get home,” I say, panting. “It’s gettin’ late.”
Ky smiles brighter than the sun. “We’re definitely doin’ that again,” he says, then shoves me in the shoulder. “Don’t try tellin’ me you didn’t like it.” He looks down at my crotch then gives me a quick squeeze over my trackies.
We start walking again, my heart a swollen mess. Our hands brush but I’m not giving him two things in one night. Ky’s got me feeling all kinds of shit. He’s smirking beside me I just know it, the cocky motherfucker.
Ky stops suddenly, peering down at the sand, and then bends over to pick something up.
“What is it?” I ask. He holds it up to show me. It’s an unusually large, periwinkle shell. “Since when do you look at shells?”
Ky slips it into his pocket and resumes walking. “I don’t normally. But this one’s special.”
“Why?”
Ky grabs my chin and plants a quick kiss on my lips. “Just because.”
“You’re so fuckin’ gay,” I say, picking up speed. Maybe I’m still trying to run from this, from him. From myself. But, truth be told, I don’t think I have it in me anymore.