Chapter 20
Brendan
Ilook at my watch as I drop down onto the park bench.
Ky’s fifteen minutes late. Part of me wants to cop out and take off, but I need to tell him.
Need to somehow try to work this out. It’s hard to look at Ky now.
I try, but I often need to avert my eyes, his hurt and disappointment too much to bear.
We still hook up in secret, but less often, the wall between us growing with each passing day.
At school, Tiffany’s my girlfriend to keep up appearances. I do everything I can to avoid physical contact with her, not only because it makes my stomach churn, but because I want to be faithful to Ky. But I fear he won’t ever want to be with me again after today.
That day four months ago, is never far from my mind, watching Bruce punch Ky in the face, the light in his eyes going out as his body fell to the floor.
I was a fucking weak ass pussy, frozen, cowering on the floor, allowing it to happen.
Then Bruce turned on me, telling me he’d bury Ky if I didn’t prove myself a man.
So I did what I had to do. I called my friend Tiffany over and she was more than willing to sleep with me.
I knew Ky was still unconscious in the house, having been dragged out to the living room by Bruce, where he sat with a knife in his hand.
Would he have done it? I don’t know. But I wasn’t going to take that chance. I’d rather lose Ky than risk his life.
“Bren?”
I turn in the direction of his voice and see Ky walking across the park towards me.
The day is overcast and grey, the winter wind too cold for any kids to play outside.
The swings sway as if being ridden by ghost children and the climbing zone feels like an abandoned house.
“Hey,” I say, standing. We hug briefly, my heart thumping heavy with both fear and guilt. “Thanks for meetin’ me.”
Ky’s expression is sullen and wary. “This doesn’t sound good. What the fuck is it now?”
“Can you sit for a minute?”
“Fuckin’ whatever.” Ky sits on the bench, and I join him.
“There’s no easy way to say this, so I’m just gonna say it. It doesn’t have to change anythin’ between us, so try not to fly off the fuckin’ handle, okay?”
Swallowing hard, I look at Ky: his eyes cold, his jaw locked tight. He doesn’t reply, so I push on. “Tiffany’s pregnant. I’m gonna do the right thing and marry her, and it’ll keep Bruce off my back. I gotta job lined up as a brickie and I start on Monday so I can rent a flat. You and I can still—”
I stop when Ky stands abruptly. “Ky, please.” I stand too, reaching for him, but he jerks away. His eyes fill with tears, his nostrils flaring as he tries to hold it together.
I want to fucking die. “I’m sorry, but we can still see”—Ky turns, striding away—“we can still see each other. Ky, stop!”
But he doesn’t. And it’s the last time I see him for a very long time.
Seven months pass before I finally get a lead on Ky. An old schoolmate spots him in Collingwood, strung out and too thin. Ky tells this guy he’s working in a gay club, so I guess he’s completely out now.
“Are you heading off?” Tiff asks, lifting Ethan from his crib and holding him to her chest.
“Yeah. You sure it’s okay?” I ask, checking one more time.
She nods. “Yeah, I know you’ve gotta do this.”
“Thanks. If I don’t find him today, I’ll grab a cheap room to crash for a few hours and then keep looking tomorrow. But I’ll call and let you know.”
I kiss her on the cheek and then Ethan on the top of his head.
I still struggle to hold him. I never wanted him or any of this.
But Tiff knows the truth now. I had to tell her because I couldn’t sleep with her and my heart was shattered when Ky took off.
Tiff’s been kinder to me than I deserve and all she asks is that I provide for her and Ethan.
She’s willing to let me be with Ky if she’s free to do as she pleases too. It’s more than a fair deal.
I spend hours walking around the streets of Collingwood, asking random strangers if they’ve seen Ky, shoving a photo in their faces. People barely glance at it before shaking their heads and quickly walking away.
At 11:00 PM, I gather enough courage to enter the only gay club in the area.
I don’t know what I’m expecting, but it’s fucking weird seeing all these fags in one room.
Grinding up on each other, barely any clothes on, tongues down each other’s throats.
Who would’ve thought it would be so packed.
Wall to wall gays. My ass gets squeezed more than once, then my dick.
It’s fucking annoying and all I want to do is find Ky.
I ask at the bar, and the man says he’s not working tonight, but he’s sure he’s seen him around.
“Might be out the back in the alley,” he says, giving me a wink. “He’s a popular boy, that one.”
Jesus fucking Christ. Nausea swirls in my gut and for a minute I think I’m going to throw up. I know Ky isn’t mine anymore, but I still can’t bear to think of him with anyone else.
Exiting the club, I make my way towards the alley that runs behind it. There was probably a back door, but I just wanted out of there. The alley is dark, but I can still easily see a guy on his knees sucking dick. Neither of them is Ky, thank God.
I walk a little further. Then an older man, maybe forty, exits from a darkened doorway, still zipping up his jeans.
Stopping, I look to see who he was with, and my heart sinks.
Because it’s Ky, counting money then shoving it into his pocket.
He’s painfully thin, his hair long and messy, and he’s wearing tight shorts slung low, jock strap showing, and a black mesh crop top.
Time seems to stretch until he finally looks up and sees me. He blinks, as if he can’t believe his eyes, then his head drops down and he begins to walk away. “Ky,” I say, pursuing him. “Stop. Please. Ky, fucking stop!” There’s no way I’m letting him go now that I’ve finally found him.
He pivots suddenly, eyes fierce and defiant. “How’s your fuckin’ wife and baby? Shouldn’t you be home with them?”
My anger fires instantly. Does he really think I wanted any of this? Doesn’t he realise I did it all to keep him safe from Bruce? Haven’t I suffered enough too?
I come at him fast, pushing him backwards until I have him pinned against the brick wall of the club. “The person I should be home with is you,” I spit out. “Why the fuck did you just leave like that? Without a word. Your brother and sisters are worried sick. And what, you’re a fuckin’ whore now?”
The moment the words are out of my mouth I regret them.
Ky’s face drops, the hurt in his eyes a knife to my heart.
“I’m sorry,” I say. “I came to bring you home. Please come home with me.” I shove down the urge to hold him.
He’s inches taller than me, but right now he appears small and childlike, fragile and lost.
When Ky speaks his voice is barely a whisper, but it’s laced with hope. “You didn’t marry her?”
“I did.” Ky’s eyes turn cold once again.
“Wait. Just hear me out. Tiff knows. About me, and about you and me, and all she wants is for me to provide for her and Ethan. Other than that, we live separate lives. Sleep in separate bedrooms. We can be together. Tiff said you can live with us, and Bruce is hardly ever around. It’ll be alright. ”
“Ethan?”
“My son,” I say. “He’s two months old now. You’ll love him. I know you will.”
Ky fists my T-shirt, his face softening into something warmer. But his eyes are glassy, his pupils blown wide. I don’t know what he’s on, but I hate it with every cell in my body. My mother died of an overdose, and I fucking won’t allow addiction to take Ky from this earth too.
His eyes fill with tears. “I missed you, Bren.”
“I missed you, too.” Hands cupping his face, I kiss him gently, relief flooding my body.
Feeling his lips again after so long sparks me back to life, the dreaded knot inside my stomach unfurling and floating away.
I’m so damn emotional I fear I might cry.
“My car is only a couple of blocks away. Will you come with me?”
Ky slowly nods so I take his hand and lead us out of the alley.