Chapter 30
Kyle
Now
Bren’s stomach rumbles, causing us both to laugh, and we head off to the kitchen to throw together a light meal.
Sitting side-by-side at the kitchen counter feels bittersweet, sampling what a life together might have been if fate had dealt us a different hand.
Our eyes remain glued to one another, engaged in a silent conversation only people with a shared history can have.
It's easy and effortless—maturity having mellowed us both—and it’s plain to see we would’ve had a happy life together.
Sure, we would’ve bickered from time to time, but just as quickly those arguments would have given way to playful jabs and gentle shoves.
I mourn for the life we’ve lost, just as I accept all blame.
I walked away too soon, giving up on myself when Bren never would have.
But I don’t want to dwell on the regret, because tonight is about loving Bren.
Once we finish eating, I grab two cold beers from the fridge, and we head back to the living room. Bren settles between my legs, leaning back against my chest, and we allow the alcohol to loosen our muscles and minds.
Bren is the first to break the silence. “Do you really think me marryin’ Tiff caused your bipolar? That I caused it?”
There’s no anger or defensiveness in his voice, just a willingness to take responsibility, which is something I will never allow. I regret those words I said in anger.
“No, you weren’t the cause,” I say. “I was heartbroken after you married Tiff, but that’s not on you.
You did what Bruce expected of you, and I know you wanted to do right by Tiff too.
” I take another mouthful of beer, thinking about Bren’s question.
“Honestly, I think all that childhood trauma was to blame, or maybe my dad had it. You remember how crazy he used to act. And they say it’s often genetic.
I was taking a lot of drugs when I ran off, too.
” I stroke through Bren’s hair, then massage his scalp.
“You know, I had a feelin’ you were gonna do a runner, and I didn’t do shit to stop you.
Guilt was eatin’ me alive, but I had no clue how to set things right.
After you left, I was pissed for two days straight.
I drank ‘til I passed out in my own vomit. I missed you so fuckin’ much when you were gone.
It made me realise how much I loved you. ”
I finish off my beer and place it on the side table.
“I regretted leaving almost immediately. I thought that if I didn’t have to see you, I would forget about you.
But it was the total opposite. I was a fucking mess.
Then the mania started. Not that I knew it was mania at the time.
I thought my life had suddenly gotten a whole lot better. ” I huff at the memory.
“I’m sorry I wasn’t there,” Bren says, turning to look at me before settling back against my chest.
“You don’t need to be sorry. My family never came looking for me, but you did. Do you remember when you tracked me down at that club and I was totally fucked up and you dragged my ass home? I never even thanked you.” I slide my arms around Bren’s waist and kiss the back of his neck.
“You never needed to thank me. I would’ve done anything for you.”
“I know, but it was me who should’ve done so much more for you.” Bren’s hands slide down my forearms and come to rest over my own. “Why didn’t we ever talk about this stuff? We were so bloody stupid.”
“Cos we were dumb fuckin’ teenagers.” Bren sighs. “You know, the best part about gettin’ older is realising life is too short to worry about what other people think. I didn’t talk back then because I thought feelings were for girls and fags.”
“And God forbid you could be a fag,” I tease, tickling Bren under the ribs.
A swift jab to my ribs follows. “Fuck off, Davies.”
I laugh. It feels damn good to just sit and talk.
“Ky, I need a smoke, but I’m guessin’ I’ve gotta go outside.”
“Yep.”
Bren shuffles forward, then stands.
“Here, take this blanket,” I say, passing it to him. “I’ll grab another one and meet you out back.”
When I step outside, I find Bren sitting by the pool, blanket wrapped around his shoulders, smoke in hand. I settle beside him, placing an ash tray between us. It must be almost midnight when I take the cigarette from him.
“You know, I would’ve gotten back together with you if you’d come lookin’ for me after I got out of prison,” he says quietly, eyes remaining on the clear, blue water. “It’s fuckin’ pathetic, but it’s true. I told myself I was done with you, but if you’d wanted me…”
Exhaling the smoke, I pass the cigarette back.
“It’s not pathetic. But when you got out of prison I’d already been with James for five years and was father to a three-year-old.
I moved on because it was the only way I could get through the days without you.
James was a distraction and helped me forget about how I’d treated you.
It didn’t work though.” I chuckle glumly.
“Still thought about you every goddamn day.”
Bren doesn’t respond straight away. I swallow hard, thinking about all those years he was locked up, without his freedom and under the constant threat of violence, while I was living in luxury.
“I was lost in there without you,” he whispers. “It took me years to get my shit together. I attempted—” Bren stops, glancing briefly at me and then looking back down at the water. “I—I tried to, you know…kill myself.”
My blood runs cold. I don’t know what to do with this. I don’t want to hear it and yet I have to. Rising to my feet, I say, “Can you please give me a sec?”
I walk around the pool and into the garden, knowing I’m handling this all wrong. I clamp my mouth shut, suppressing the screams that want to escape. This is not about me! I can’t be selfish. Bren shouldn’t have to comfort me.
Squatting down, I try to pull it together. There will be endless hours to ruminate on nearly losing him and my accountability in that.
It takes me a good five minutes to calm. As I make my way back to Bren, I know I don’t deserve his forgiveness.
I find him seated on the outdoor sofa. Dropping to my knees in front of him, I bury my face in his lap. His hands stroke up and down my back and then thread into my hair. I want to say I’m sorry and beg for forgiveness, but it doesn’t seem nearly enough.
“I forgive you,” he whispers, as if reading my mind.
I lift my head, our eyes meeting. “I thought you were better off without me. I thought if you stayed with me, you’d end up hating me and leave me.
And then it happened. I was so weak and I couldn’t face any of it.
Do you want to talk about it? What happened that night? About prison? Whatever would help.”
“No,” Bren says firmly, closing his eyes and shaking his head. “Talking about that night doesn’t help. I saw a psych in prison, and I’ve done the work. I’m okay, Ky. Just let it go.”
“Okay.”
Bren’s hands come to my face, and he kisses me tenderly. When we pull apart, he reaches for the cigarettes and lights another, passing it straight to me. Accepting it, I inhale deeply then take a seat beside him.
“Ky, I guess there’s only one other thing I’ve always wanted to know.”
I place a hand on Bren’s thigh and wait.
“Why didn’t you ever tell me you loved me?”
It’s a night for hard truths, so I answer as honestly as I can.
“I was afraid. In the early days I thought if I said it you might shut me out. You were so against labelling what we had and then as time went on, I don’t know.
” I shrug. “I was an idiot. Then you said those three words at the end and if I’d said them then too, I wouldn’t have been able to leave. ”
Bren wraps his arm around my shoulder and pulls me to his side. “You were always more than enough for me. Exactly as you were. I wish you could’ve seen that.”
I take a deep breath in and let it out slowly, trying not to get too emotional again.
For my entire life, I’ve never felt like enough.
“Well, I’ve paid the ultimate price for it,” I say, reaching for his hand and threading our fingers together.
“I broke your heart and my own and now I’ve spent years married to someone I despise.
But I’m glad you found Chris. He seems like a great guy, and you deserve to be happy. ”
“Ky, you deserve to be happy too.”
I’m not sure that’s true.
Back inside, I prepare a fruit platter for dessert, adding a little cream for the strawberries, then we settle on the living room floor. We’re done with the heavy stuff, and I just want to enjoy the remaining hours we have together.
“Are you ever going to admit that you were jealous of Sean?” I smile smugly, thinking of the boy Bren was convinced was into me in year twelve.
He laughs, then dips a strawberry into the cream and feeds it to me. It makes my heart flutter, doing something so intimate.
“Are you ever going to admit you were jealous of Jessica?” he counters.
I screw my face up in disgust. Jessica was the girl Bren was seeing before we started hooking up. “Fuck off. I wasn’t jealous of her. I just couldn’t understand why you fucked her.”
Bren doesn’t answer. Instead, he leans in close, my body instantly heating as I anticipate a kiss. His tongue darts out and licks across my lips, then he retreats. I groan in exasperation while he looks at me with a shit-eating grin.
“You had a little cream there,” he teases, eyes sparkling.
Moving fast, I shove Bren onto his back, straddling him and pinning him to the floor. “What are you not telling me about Jessica?”
“Come here.” He pulls me down by my shirt until our faces are only inches apart. “I never fucked her,” he whispers.
I stare at him, incredulous. “You can’t be serious? I was so jealous of her and now you’re telling me it was all for nothing.”
Bren chuckles. “You just admitted you were jealous.” His hand slides around my neck and he pulls my lips to his.
When we pull apart, we’re both breathless.
“You’re so beautiful, Bren.”
Catching me by surprise, Bren rolls us, settling on top and pinning both my wrists to the floor above my head.
“I admit it. I was jealous of Sean and every motherfucker I thought was lookin’ in your direction.
You were fuckin’ cute at sixteen. But look at you now.
” Bren releases my arms and pushes my shirt up, his eyes sweeping over my abs and pecs.
“Sexy and chiselled; don’t even get me started on this body.
” His fingers graze teasingly over my erect nipples before running through my chest hair.
“You finally got some hair on your chest, huh, Davies?”
Smiling, I run my hands up his thighs, wanting to get at his ass. “You like it, huh?”
Bren’s fingers start moving again, goosebumps rippling across my chest when he plays with my nipples and adjusts his ass against my half-hard dick. My eyes close, desperate for him to kiss me or lick my nipples or grind his ass against me. Anything.
“When did you know you loved me?” Bren’s voice is so quiet I open my eyes to be sure he spoke. His vulnerability is heartbreaking.
“I think I was falling in love with you from the very first time we hooked up. You know I’m a hopeless romantic. What about you?”
The corners of Bren’s mouth curl up into soft smile, and I know he’s happy with my answer.
He shrugs his shoulders. “Still decidin’.”
“Come on, Bren. I told you.” I kiss the palm of his hand.
“Yeah alright, that’s fair.” He rolls his hips, and I groan as my cock grows harder.
“I was tryin’ to hold back my feelings for a long time.
I kept tellin’ myself I was just hookin’ up with you because it was easy sex.
That way I could avoid admittin' I was gay. But do you remember that night at Long Island beach?”
I hum, nodding, then press my hips up and dig my fingers into the flesh of his thighs. Two can play at this game.
“Jesus,” Bren moans, griding down on me before continuing his story. “I never made out with you until that night. Kissing you was…everything. After that, I couldn’t deny it anymore. I knew I loved you.”
Sitting up, I wrap my arms tightly around him. “Kiss me.” His lips are instantly on mine, his mouth parting to accept my tongue. I force myself to break the kiss. “Do you wanna take this to bed?”
“Fuck yes.”