Chapter 14
Fourteen
M y eyes spring open, and my heart races. Memories of the capitol building have plagued me all night. Every time I drift off, I see Justin lying on the ground, soaked in his blood while the girl he loves is pulled away in hysterics.
I’ve dozed off a handful of times only to be startled awake by the lucid dreams. No matter how comfortable I am, I can’t find the much-needed respite from my overactive imagination. It’s astonishing that my mind is even able to recall the day’s events. I was beyond exhausted when we entered the barn well past dusk. I took one look at the ladder leading into the hayloft and wanted to cry. It was like looking up at the world’s highest peak from the mountain’s base. With my last ounce of energy, I climbed into the rafters where Wes and I scattered bundles of hay on the floor, making the surface softer to sleep on.
I turn to my side and discover I’m not the only one having trouble sleeping. Ryland sits at the edge of the loft with his back against the wall. One arm resting on his bent knees as his other hand fiddles with the pendant on his necklace.
He’s a presence I don’t think I’ll ever become accustomed to. I’m used to making hard calls and taking significant risks, but he has changed that. He’s demanded that I allow him to take some of my burdens, and the only reason I’m apprehensive to do it is because I can’t rely on his help forever. If this mission is successful, Aiden will recover from his sickness, and the guys will move on. I can’t overlook that reality and pretend this will last. He’s also unbelievably attractive, which is unnerving. Too often, I find myself staring at him, memorizing every detail of his face. Even the filth from the day’s battle doesn’t take away from his captivating features—his strong jaw contrasting his perfectly shaped soft lips, or how the seriousness in his eyes vanishes when he smiles with a boyish charm. I might not get used to having him around, but after today, I want to take advantage of our time together and get to know more about him.
I crawl out of the bed of hay and brush off the straw clinging to my clothes. Ryland doesn’t say a word as he watches me walk to him. I keep my distance, choosing to sit at the edge of the loft with my feet hanging over the side. I rest my arms on the bottom board of the railing and fidget with the mood ring on my finger.
“You should get some sleep. You have to drive in the morning and need to be alert,” Ryland says in a hushed voice.
I rest my head on my arms. “I know, but I can’t.”
“Do you want to talk about it?”
There’s nothing I can say to ease my mind. The things that happened at the capitol will most likely happen again. Those people were brainwashed into believing justice was served and nothing will change that. The only thing I can control in my life is me, and right now, anything is better than tossing, turning, and replaying the death of an innocent man. I don’t want to talk about it, so I choose a random topic instead.
“What’s your middle name?”
Ryland laughs. “You’re losing sleep because you want to know my middle name?”
I roll my eyes and smile. “Don’t flatter yourself. I’m desperate for a distraction, and this seems like a good start.”
“If I answer, you have to as well.” He leans forward, resting both arms on his knees.
“That’s fair. My middle name is Hope.”
“Kingston, my middle name is Kingston.”
“Favorite color?”
He smirks and tugs on the front of his jacket. “Black, it hides the blood. You?”
“I like your answer, so I’m going with it.”
He cocks an eyebrow. “You’re a cheater.”
I rush to defend myself and give another answer, but he moves on to the next question. “All right, since the Affliction, what do you miss the most? And you can’t say your family, it’s a given.”
“That’s easy, ice cream. And you?”
“Giran in the autumn. The leaves are the brightest red and yellow, and there is a hint of logs burning in the air.”
I smile at his answer. It sounds like a romantic book or the name of a folk band. Besides layovers at the international airport in Giran, I’ve never been to the continent, I suddenly feel like I’ve missed out on what should be a mandatory life experience.
His long fingers move back to his necklace, twirling the crescent moon pendant. Since meeting him, I’ve been fascinated by the symbol for Bogati hanging around his neck. I’ve spent many summers there with Josh, Amara, and River on humanitarian trips. It is the most underdeveloped of the four continents. While the rest of the world was on the verge of eradicating hunger and homelessness, Bogati still struggled to get their footing. Since the continent is Amara’s childhood home, she made it a priority that we do what we could to help. It always held a special place within our family.
My curiosity gets the better of me. “If you are from Giran, why do you wear the symbol for Bogati?”
Ryland looks at his hand and flattens his palm, laying the symbol in the center, studying its metal shape. His silence lingers, and I become afraid that I’ve crossed a line, and our conversation is coming to an abrupt end, but thankfully, I’m wrong.
“If I tell you, then you must be prepared to share something deeply intimate with me.”
My brow furrows. “It’s only fair you tell me what you’re going to ask since you know my question.”
“I want to know about your mom and dad.”
I look away and run my hand over my face. My biological parents are a private story that not only I but my family guard with care. I have my reservations, but I also want to hear what Ryland has to say. “I’ll agree, but if you tell me your parents are from Bogati, I’m reneging. You know you’re prying into something deep with me.”
“That’s fair.”
For days, I’ve wanted some new insight into what makes him tick, and here’s my chance.
“Do you remember Wes mentioning our friend Dylan?” Ryland asks.
I nod, recalling the exchange in the study about linking the cell phone to the tower. It didn’t take a genius to figure out Wes slipped when mentioning Dylan. Everyone hurried to move on from the topic.
“The crescent is his.”
“Where is Dylan?” I quietly ask.
Ryland turns away and studies the barn below. Again, his hand moves to the pendant, rubbing it between his fingers, and his Adam’s apple bobs up and down as he swallows. “The five of us had this brilliant plan. Each summer while we were at university, we would go on a vacation, just us guys. The goal was for each of us to visit places we always wanted to see. Aiden was the first to choose, so we spent six weeks in Oscuros. The next summer was Dylan, and he chose the islands off Bogati.” Ryland chuckles. “We spent the entire summer fucked up. If we weren’t high, we were drunk, and Dylan loved every minute of it. We sat on the beach, looking out at the vibrant blue water and passing around a joint. I’ve never been so relaxed in my entire life.” He gives me a humorless smile. “It’s hard for you to believe I could let go and enjoy myself, isn’t it?”
The mourning in his eyes isn’t just for the past but for a piece of him that is lost. It was free and careless—the very things that made him a young man in the prime of his life. I bet he didn’t even know how important that side of him was until it was gone.
With my head resting on my arms, I smile. “Sometimes, you let your overbearing guard down, and I see little glimpses of it. So, no, it’s not hard to believe. I actually like those moments with you.”
His eyes meet mine, and the intensity of his gaze softens. He’s not a hopeless case, just a broken soul in need of some mending like the rest of us .
“The trip to the Western Canyon of Stern was my holiday.” He rolls his eyes as he speaks. “I had this notion that we should have a rugged experience, with hiking, camping, and canoeing. Dylan dreaded the entire thing. He was pissed we weren’t going to party in the big cities on the western or eastern coastline. He was a bit repulsed by the idea of bathing in a river and cooking over a fire. But a pact is a pact, so he went.”
A lump forms in my throat as understanding consumes me. There were initially five of them. I consider stopping him from going on, but there’s this part of me wanting him to confirm my suspicions with details, so I wait for him to continue when he’s ready.
“You know we missed the evacuation, but we still tried. We went to the Western Region capital in hopes of the authorities making an exception for us. We had spoken to our families and knew they were working to get the Giran government involved with our rescue, but they were met with countless roadblocks. Besides leaving our phones behind, the western capital was one of the worst decisions we made. Finding safe shelter became impossible over time. People weren’t keen to help five young men. We were seen as a liability rather than a charity case. Eventually, we found an old, rundown house with boarded-up windows. It was disgusting, and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. Sewage had backed into it and roaches and rats would scurry across the ground as we tried to sleep. Making matters worse, we were sloppy in the beginning, too trusting, inexperienced with self-defense, and too impulsive. The Afflicted were running rampant in the capital, and we were no match for them.” He stops talking and blows out a massive breath of air.
My heart breaks for him, and he hasn’t even told me how he lost one of his best friends. “Ry, you don’t have to go on.”
He bites his lips and continues. “The blackout changed everything. People were already panicked, but the loss of electricity unleashed chaos. We were struggling to find food and were surviving on candy bars split five ways or rationing out small bags of chips. It was late at night, and we were starving, so we ventured out, looking for something to eat. We were armed with one gun, a bunch of makeshift weapons, and a single, dying flashlight. We found a massive empty house with packed cupboards. The zombies came out of nowhere, and we didn’t have a chance. We ran, but Dylan went back to grab his satchel. I went in after him, but…” He shakes his head and dries his eyes before the tears trail down his face. “The guys and I fought them off, and took with us anything we could give to Dylan’s family. We’ve lost some of it along the way, but Noah still has his passport, and Wes has his phone.”
“And you have the pendant,” I finish, wiping at my eyes with the back of my hand.
“Yeah, I have the pendant.”
There’s no longer any question as to why I feel attracted to him. Ryland and I have an unspoken bond rooted in guilt. He blames himself for Dylan’s death, and I blame myself for the separation of my family. There’s nothing we can do or say to absolve us of our sins. They’re our burdens to bear, and we’re both more than willing to burn in hell for our transgressions, but in the meantime, we’ll live out our penance doing our best to make sure those we love survive.
“You don’t have to tell me about your parents.”
I appreciate his change of heart, but I can’t accept it. There’s little I own which is worth anything in this godforsaken world, but my word is still precious to me. I won’t minimize its value. “We have an agreement, and you most definitely upheld your end.” Looking at my dangling feet, I gather my thoughts. No matter how I explain it, the story of my parents holds nothing but brutal truths. There’s no way to ease into it. It is what it is.
“My mother and River’s dad, Josh, are brother and sister. One day, out of the blue, she showed up on Josh’s and Amara’s doorstep. At first, they thought she had surprised them by coming to meet River, who was only two months old. My mom was twenty, on a full-ride scholarship to a university in the southern region, and she hadn’t seen Josh in almost a year. It turns out that the reason for her visit was that she was seven months pregnant and terrified to tell my grandparents.”
He runs his hand over the back of his neck and blows out a puff of air. “That’s tough. Did no one know she was in a relationship?”
I shrug and say, “I don’t know all the details. But I always found it strange that she had not been to a doctor while she was pregnant. That’s kind of pregnancy basics there.”
“Yeah.”
“Anyway. Several days after her arrival, she went into labor with me. I was delivered early, but healthy. My mother, on the other hand, should have never had a natural childbirth. Her uterus ruptured, and they couldn’t save her. The saddest part is her death was avoidable if she received prenatal care.” My voice quivers with the last sentence, and I wipe at my eyes.
“I’m sorry, Quinn.”
“Thank you.” I take a moment to pull myself together. “According to my uncle, Amara fell in love with me the minute she saw me. He couldn’t let his baby niece go, so they adopted me. Since there’s no father on my birth certificate, nobody put up a fight over their decision.” I grin, trying to make Ryland believe I’m okay, but the unanswered questions surrounding my conception haunt me. “They assured me that she loved me, and every day they spent with her, she grew more excited to meet me.”
“Where’s your father?”
I shrug. “I think Josh knows more than he’s telling me. The best I can gather, he was older than my mom, and I think he already had a family. So, there you have it. I was one big oops and I don’t know my mom or my dad. Josh and Amara have always been my parents.”
“But you don’t call them mom and dad?”
My heart sinks, and I quietly say, “I used to… before all of this. I called Amara Ma and Josh Papa.”
He releases a deep breath. “We’re quite the cluster-fuck, aren’t we?”
“Yeah, we are.”
It’s nothing to be ashamed of. I doubt anyone surviving this apocalypse is totally sane. It takes a special kind of insanity to keep going despite flesh-eating ex-humans trying to devour you.
“Come here.” Ryland gestures with a jerk of his head.
Without any argument, I slide down the wall next to him and unexpectedly find myself wrapped in his arms. I’m sure it’s as much for his peace of mind as it is for mine. It’s what we both need after scraping our emotions raw on the memories of our past. I cuddle next to him, with my head in the crook of his shoulder and the front of his blood-stained jacket clenched in my hand. I cringe as he nestles his face in my filthy hair and inhales the scent of death on me. Not that he smells any better, but he radiates warmth and strength. It more than makes up for the crusty, sticky feel of his clothes and the foul odor coming from them. It’s nice to be in contact with another living being who wants nothing more than to hold me.
I release the tension weighing me down and sink further into his embrace. It’s a welcome feeling to let go and allow someone to comfort me. I didn’t realize how desperately I needed to unburden myself until I finally did it.