Chapter 24
Twenty-Four
I ’m not a natural sailor. I had two episodes of seasickness which came with an audience witnessing me puking over the side of the yacht. On the bright side, I’ve always wanted to go on a cruise. Of course, I pictured somewhere tropical and not Ryker Lake. I suppose you accept what you can get when a deadly virus is ravaging the land.
We’ve remained in Stern waters for fear of not being able to protect ourselves if we ventured too close to the Oscuros shore. The last we heard, boats were being forced to turn back or sunk if they refused. It would be impossible for us to make our intentions known from the water, so we’re sticking with the original plan of crossing by land.
Honestly, the lake isn’t so bad. The freshwater is tranquil and clear. I occasionally catch sight of land in the distance—a gentle reminder we’re not lost at sea. In some ways, it’s like Devil’s Lake, which only adds to its serenity, and at the same time, makes me homesick .
Since being on the boat, I’ve spent much of my time taking care of River while the boys handle the sailing. She’s been in a ton of pain and has mostly slept, leaving me to entertain myself. I’ve rummaged through the closet and drawers in her room and found swimwear and t-shirts. It beats the blood-stained clothes I had on before.
The moments I’m not tending to my cousin I spend sprawled across one of the outdoor benches. From here, the late afternoon sun shines down on me, warming and tanning my pale skin that’s slathered in expired sunscreen. I sit contentedly with a history book I commandeered from the Hudson bookstore and absorb as much information as I can. I’m determined to solve the Sanctuary’s riddles, although it’s not top of the line entertainment, it’s something relaxing to do to bide the time.
Today is a double bonus, not only do I get to relax in the sun, but everyone is below deck. Aiden dropped the anchor about an hour ago. Him and Ryland believe we’re a few miles from reaching the docks in Coft. With the sun’s impending descent, we don’t have enough time to make it to the border before nightfall. Everyone agreed that with River’s injury it was best we have one last worry-free night. Come tomorrow afternoon, we’ll again face all the dangers found on Stern soil.
Tomorrow holds no guarantees for any of us. The hours we put into planning a flawless departure from this continent may end up being for nothing. We could reach the border only to be turned away, and then what will happen to us? We’ve tossed around ideas, but never settled on a firm contingency plan. There were brief talks about continuing down the East coast and hope another opportunity comes our way, but they’re nothing more than passing thoughts. We’re banking everything on this one shot .
I look up from my stolen book as shuffling footsteps approach and am happy to see River slowly walking to me. Her hand is pressed to her side to help alleviate the pain, and the coloring in her face has returned to normal. It’s a welcome sight after her poor condition for the past couple of days.
“I’m surprised Noah let you walk out here on your own,” I say, scooting over on the bench.
She curls into a ball beside me and pulls her shirt over her knees before resting her head on my shoulder. “He dozed off, and I made a break for it.”
“The hard life of having a loving and overprotective boyfriend. But seriously, how are you feeling?”
“Tired, but better. I just need some fresh air and sun.”
This short journey has taken its toll on her. Dark bags underline her eyes, and the lightheartedness she generally exhibits has diminished. It kills me to think she’s being changed in a way that will permanently alter the traits I love most about her. I wish this weren’t the route we had to take, and I had an easy, sure-fire solution for reuniting her with her parents.
I wrap my arms around her and hug her close. To lessen my torment, I remind myself she wanted to leave with the boys. Being with Noah makes her happy, and I’m more than dedicated to helping her maintain this joy she’s found in the worst of circumstances. The love I have for my cousin rivals full-blooded siblings, and it knows no boundaries. If things don’t go fully to plan, letting her go will be the hardest thing I’ll ever do, guaranteed.
“Riv?”
“Yeah.”
I clear my throat, holding my mounting emotions at bay. “I’m sorry we didn’t go to Bogati. I’m sorry I asked you to stay behind.”
Wisps of hair have broken free of her messy bun and brush my cheek as she shakes her head. “Don’t be, I’m not. There’s not another human being I’d want to survive the Affliction with. If it weren’t for our decision to stay behind, I would have never met Noah, and I might not still be with you.”
There is that positive and confident girl I’ve always known. She hasn’t lost that part of her yet.
“I just want you to be safe, and know that no matter what happens tomorrow, it will be all right. I promise you don’t have to worry.”
She tilts her head. “I know, Quinn.”
“I love you.”
“I love you, too,” she says, cuddling next to me again. Taking my hand in hers, she examines the mood ring. “The color of your ring was always black or red in the beginning. You were always stressed and anxious. Now, more days than not, you’re amber, meaning you’re confused, but there have been rare days when you’re pink or even blue.”
“Remind me what those colors mean again,” I say.
“Pink is happy, and blue is love and romance.”
I stare at the stone and wonder if it really does work. Have there been moments in the last few months where I’ve felt happiness or even love? When the boys became an extension of my family, they made our house feel like a home again. And Ryland… My chest tightens as the answer becomes clear, but I don’t dwell on it. I can’t. Come tomorrow, the shade of my ring will permanently return to a gloomy hue.
Wes and Aiden come running out of the hull. They hysterically laugh as they charge toward the back of the boat. The two pull their shirts over their heads and toss them to the ground before cannonballing into the water. They resume their rowdy behavior as soon as they break the surface, wrestling with one another. River and I have become immune to their hijinks, knowing that our floating refuge has allowed all of us a chance to be carefree for a short while.
Noah scoots in next to River on the bench seat. He pulls her legs into his lap and runs long calming strokes along her calves. “You should have woken me. I would have helped you up the stairs,” he says in a gentle but reprimanding tone.
Accustomed to his doting, River effortlessly brushes him off. “I’m feeling better, and I can handle walking up a few steps.”
His brown eyes look her up and down as he presses his lips firmly together. Being an attentive boyfriend, he knows arguing will be a losing battle. Poor Noah now joins me in the rankings of people who will do anything to keep River happy.
Ryland eventually emerges wearing nothing but a worn pair of jeans that cling tightly to his long legs. He casts the three of us a quick nod and strolls to the boat’s stern. He leaps over the steps leading to a platform with a ladder into the water. With his arms crossed over his chest, he looks out at the lake. The setting sun is the perfect backdrop for his lean figure. The collection of black tattoos on his arms and torso are highlighted by the golden light, and his hair flutters around his face, catching the warm spring breeze. He’s godlike.
His hands reach for the front of his jeans and the fabric slides down, revealing a toned, pale ass.
“What are you doing?” I yell.
Holding his jeans below his ass, he looks over his shoulder at me. Without missing a beat, he says, “Swimming.”
“But—”
“It’s called skinny dipping, Quinnten. It’s perfectly natural.” He laughs as he continues to disrobe.
I gape at the sight of his naked form from the back. Never would I have imagined Ryland skinny dipping for fun. It seems immature and beneath him; not something a man on a mission would do. Yet, I forget he’s barely twenty-two. He should be out at all-night parties, playing beer pong, and streaking down a neighborhood street to fulfill a silly dare. Instead, he’s wielding a gun and fighting hand over fist to lead us to safety. The free-spirited young man before me is who he should always be.
He looks back at me again and motions his head to the side. “Come join me,” he says before diving into the water.
“You’re drooling.” River says, wiping her finger across my chin.
“Shut up,” I mutter, shaking my head and moving her hand away.
Did I seriously turn into one humongous raging hormone at the sight of Ryland? Was I gawking at his bare ass? Did all normal brain function seize up on me when I saw his perfectly rounded, muscular butt? Yes, yes, and yes . I press my palms to my eyes. The worst part is that I’d been caught. There’s nothing I can do to talk my way out of it.
A splash of water rains down on me, and I quickly turn in my seat to look over the side of the boat.
“Come swim with me,” Ryland demands again as he treads water.
“Tomorrow isn’t guaranteed, but this moment of happiness is. Don’t let it pass you by,” River says so only I can hear her.
She’s right. This might be my last chance to give in to something I want, just one more stolen moment with Ryland.
I pull off my shirt, revealing the yellow bikini beneath. My first reaction is to cover my exposed stomach, but I force my hands to remain at my side as I walk to the ladder. Set on making the most of right now, I jump away from the boat, hoping to make a big enough splash to get Ryland. The water engulfs me, accepting me into its depths. Although on the verge of freezing, it’s refreshing. I relax, reveling in the weightless feeling as my body sinks. When my lungs beg for a breath, I kick my way back to the surface. Pushing my hair from my face, I uncover the huge smile that has my cheeks burning.
Ryland swims up next to me, and I kick away from him. “You’re naked!”
He cocks an eyebrow. “And you already got an eyeful.”
I vigorously shake my head. “I didn’t see everything. I just saw you from behind.”
His fingers intertwine with mine, and he moves behind me, leaving just enough space so our bodies don’t touch. “Do you like what you saw?”
A shiver races down my spine and my next words slip out of my mouth. “Do you think I liked it?”
“It doesn’t matter what I think. I want to hear you say it.”
He moves closer, his body barely grazing mine. My brain stops working again, caught on the way his wet skin feels. Every warning alarm should be going off inside my head. What we are playing with is dangerous and bound to leave us in pain. But I don’t push away, instead I lean into his chest, marveling at his warmth against my back .
“I liked what I saw, Ry,” I whisper.
Everything around us goes silent—the lapping water, the wind—everything but my pounding heart. I question if he even heard me until his arms wrap around my waist. My eyes flutter closed, and my head rests on his shoulder.
“Was that so hard to admit?” he asks, kicking his legs to move us farther away from the boat.
I slide through his arms and turn to face him. “Is that what you want; me to tell you that you’re hot? Come on, Ryland. I thought you had more confidence than that.”
“Maybe I’ve spent the last few days replaying what happened in that library, and I can’t forget how I felt when you told me what you wanted.”
His words trigger that need inside of me that I’ve been suppressing for days. I knew it was a risk to give into it, that I would want more. He is freely offering me that again. It’s tempting. He is so fucking tempting.
I cock my eyebrow and force my lips into a smirk. “So you want me to tell you how much I desire you. Is that what you were hoping to accomplish when you stripped in front of me?”
He meets my playfulness with his own. “Did it work?”
“No.” I swim out of his reach, splashing water at him. “You’ll have to try harder.”
He dives under and grabs my ankle, pulling me back to him.
I laugh and scream, kicking out of his grip. “You plan on chasing me until I give in.”
“If that’s what it takes. I heard women like the chase.”
I begin to swim toward the front of the boat with him trying to catch me. He’s a fast swimmer, and several times, he pulls at my leg, but he never gets a firm grip. We round the corner, and he closes the distance between us. My breath hitches as his arms wrap around my waist and pull me toward him. We hold each other’s gazes as my hands come to rest on his shoulders. All the air releases from my lungs as I take in the sight of him.
“I want to kiss you,” he says.
“I thought you wanted me to tell you what I want.”
“I’ll beg for you if that’s what you want, Quinn.” He brushes his lips over mine.
Every cell in my body sparks to life. I wrap my legs around his hips and grasp the hair at his nape, pulling him closer. He opens to me and I sweep my tongue over his. The taste of him spurs me on. He tastes like a warm summer morning and sweet mint. His kisses are addicting, and I need just one more. One last kiss to appease the nagging ache inside of me. It throbs at my very core, reminding me how empty I am without his fingers inside of me. I curse the little yellow bikini that keeps me from fully feeling his body pressed into mine. I want it all with him, to surrender the last bit of restraint that keeps me from giving in. But I can’t do it.
Sliding my hands to the top of his head, I release my legs from around him and push him under the water, breaking our kiss. Freed from his hold, I bolt toward the back of the boat. I pray my immature actions come off as playful, but they were nothing but weak. Perhaps my weakest moment since the Affliction. But every second I spend with him is dangerous. He’s becoming pivotal to both my physical and emotional survival. I want to hold on to him and never let him go, but I can’t. I won’t destroy a chance for him and the others to return to their families.
I must stay focused on the task ahead of us .
I pull myself onto the boat’s platform and hurry to replace Ryland’s warmth with a dry towel. Hiding my face inside the terry cloth, I calm my frayed nerves.
Ryland reaches the yacht and struggles to slide on his jeans over his wet skin. As he passes me, I contort my lips into a sassy smile, like I’ve won our water fight. Unlike me, he wears no guise to hide his emotions. He appears totally dejected. My stomach turns as I take in the look of hurt on his face before he disappears into the hull.
I can’t bring myself to look at him for the rest of the night. With a fake smile, I work my way through a couple of rounds of poker with some cards we found. The entire time, I think about returning to dry land, gaining some personal space, and for those I care about to cross over into safety.
After River and Noah retire to the primary suite for the night, I excuse myself. I literally feel a thousand times lighter when I shut the door to my small room and fall into the bed. It was a struggle not to react to the sound of Ryland’s voice throughout the evening and to break down into an apology for hurting him. Stopping the kiss was the right thing to do, but a better option would’ve been never to kiss him in the first place. I’ve let my guard down around him too many times, and now, we’re both bound to get hurt.
I toss and turn in bed as my brain races all over the place. It replays the look in Ryland’s eyes as he passed me on the deck. I’d rather give into nightmares about Zs then relive that moment. Gripping my hair at the roots, I stare at the dark ceiling. I can’t go into tomorrow with this lingering between us. It will eat at us and put everyone at risk. I have to make this right somehow.
The sound of my door slowly sliding open pulls me from the newest round of guilt. I hold my breath as the tall, shadowed form walks in and quietly closes us inside. He doesn’t say a word as he slips into the bed behind me, pulling my back to his front. He nuzzles his face into my hair, breathing me in.
I go rigid at his touch, unsure of what to expect.
“It’s all right, relax. I’ve got you,” he says.
Never have I thought of myself as above or under anybody. Like everyone else on this planet, I’m doing the best I can with what I have and who I am. I’m not any better or worse… until now. I don’t deserve Ryland’s quick unspoken forgiveness. My actions are unworthy of his affection, yet here he is.
Before I can contain it, a sob escapes me, and I silently curse myself. My silly weakness will do nothing to correct the situation. If anything, I’m adding to all the stupid things I’ve ever done in his presence.
He pulls me tightly to him and says, “ Shh . Let me hold you, Quinn.”
I nod. He could ask a whole slew of things from me right now, and I’d do any of them to make up for my behavior. It seems unfair that what he asks is also what I want.
“I’m sorry, Ry. I didn’t mean to hurt you,” I say.
“You did nothing wrong. I know you’re wary of giving in to your feelings, and I shouldn’t have been so damn charming,” he says, smiling into my hair.
I giggle. Actually, giggle. Ryland continually surprises me with his ability to make me react in ways I thought I was no longer capable of.
“It was your ass. You have a really nice ass.”
“I know. It’s one of my finer assets,” he says and kisses the side of my head.
There was a time not long ago when I felt I couldn’t care for anyone beyond my cousin. Yet, I’ve not only sacrificed my life for Ryland, but for his friends. I was sure I’d never feel nervous flutters or kiss a boy again. He’s found a way to make me feel alive, and at times, normal. I’m not sure what force placed him in my life, but I’ll be eternally grateful for my time with him.
I’ve said it before, and it still stands true, if our lives were different, I could’ve easily fallen in love with Ryland.