Chapter 7 Good Night, Jack #3
“We’ll make a deal,” I told him. “You drink some water, and I’ll stay.”
“Fiiiiine.” He pursed his lips, but he obeyed. When he had emptied the glass, he handed it back to me with an innocent smile. “So, first question,” he asked. “Are you going to keep living here?”
I couldn’t deal with that yet, so I responded, “I got you a burger in case you were hungry.”
He smiled like a child on Christmas day. “You got me dinner! That means you’ve been thinking of me!”
“You wish. We just happened to have one leftover.” I walked to the kitchen, heated up his dinner, put it on a plate, and handed it to him.
He still looked overjoyed as he turned on the TV and gobbled up his meal.
I sat there next to him, beginning to feel relieved.
There was nothing on, just infomercials, and yet strangely, they captivated both of us, at least until Jack set his plate on the coffee table and rested his head on my shoulder.
“Well, well,” he said, his eyebrows rising and falling. “Look at the two of us, all alone, with no one watching. What should we do?”
“Sleep.”
“Funny, I had something else in mind.”
I wanted to laugh, but all I could do was shake my head. He loved to embarrass me, and he had a talent for it. His expression turned serious, and he asked, “Why are you sad?”
Of course, I knew why, but I wasn’t ready to tell him.
“Who said I was sad?”
“I know you. I know what your sad face looks like.”
I hadn’t seen that coming, and I wasn’t prepared.
I’d been sad all day, but Will hadn’t noticed.
Neither had Sue when she’d emerged from her room.
Jack was different, though. Even when he was drunk or high, or maybe both, he could see straight into me with those big eyes peeking through his chestnut bangs.
No matter how silly he acted, he never missed anything.
“It’s my grandmother,” I confessed. He was the first person I had told. “She was… I guess she got sick, recently, and nobody in my family told me.”
“Why not?”
“They said they didn’t want to worry me. Spencer and Shannon said that, I mean. They’re the only people in my family I’m talking to right now. I basically cut my parents off. I decided one day I couldn’t keep hiding who I really am and what I really think, and it turns out they don’t like it.”
Jack reflected for a moment and smirked.
“To hell with them, then. I’m proud of what you’ve done, and if they can’t take you as you are, then they don’t deserve you.
You’re sweet, caring, understanding. You’re just good.
Too good for those people. And I’m sorry about your grandmother.
That must hurt. I hope she gets better soon. ”
It was strange, him being so nice. Strange, but I’d take it.
I felt relieved, as if I could finally breathe again after being trapped underwater, and even if I wanted to change the subject—because the pain of knowing Grandma was sick was still so raw—I was grateful that the real Jack had finally returned.
“How’d you know I was sad?” I asked.
Edging in close to me, he shook his head. “Jen, I can read you like a book. Well, not quite. It was obvious you were upset, but I didn’t know why. I thought it was because of me. Vain, right? I don’t know why I’d think I mattered that much to you.”
“You know how much you mean to me, Jack.”
“You don’t have to pretend, Jen. You don’t have to try and make me feel better.
It’s just… I’ve thought a lot about you this year.
Not always good things. I’m OK admitting that.
I can remember imagining you at home, in your room with those cheesy decorations and all those records you never listen to, opening your scrapbook with all those memories good and bad inside.
I imagined you putting something about me on the last page.
And… I don’t know.” His voice cracked. “I don’t want to be one of your mistakes, Jen.
I know I’ve been acting, uh… I know I haven’t been easy to deal with.
When I’m with other people, I can deal with my issues, but with you, it’s too much for me.
The idea that a person I love would want to leave me, that was hard the first time around, but to have it happen again…
I just don’t know how I’m supposed to act. ”
Even though all I could see was the top of his eyelashes as he nestled under my arm, I knew he was watching me, and I knew I had to respond.
“You could try being yourself,” I suggested. My tone was joking, but I was dead serious.
“I don’t know if you’re ready for that…” he replied, smiling at first, then pursing his lips.
“Let’s imagine something. Let’s imagine this is the real me.
What if it’s true, and what if the rest of the time, I was just trying to deceive myself and everyone else?
It’s funny, it makes me feel bad, because I think about my brother, how I’ve talked down to him and criticized him his whole life.
Now look at me, I’m basically just like him. ”
“Jack, you’re nothing like him,” I said, shaking my head. “Don’t say that. You may have your ups and downs, but you’re incredible, and you always have been. I’m not letting you off the hook for being mean to me, but I can’t act like I’ve always been perfect either.”
Jack hesitated. “You are, though.”
“Trust me, I’m not. And I don’t want you to judge me, so I’m not about to tell you to judge yourself.”
For a long time, we didn’t say anything. Jack looked devastated. Sad—no, more than sad. I’d seen him sad before, but this was something else. Lost. Vulnerable. Fragile.
“Jen, the nasty stuff I’ve said to you since you’ve been back… None of it was true, OK? I feel bad about it all, I’ve been awful, I know, it’s just that I guess I wanted you to feel some of what I’ve felt since you left.”
“Is that still true?”
“No,” he fired back immediately. “All I want is to see you, every single day. Don’t go again, Jen.”
That shook me a bit. I knew he was being sincere, but he stank of alcohol, his pupils were dilated, and I couldn’t be sure those feelings would still be there when he came out of whatever state he was in.
“I’ll tell you what,” I said. “If you say those same words again when you’re sober, I won’t go. But I think this is enough deep conversation for one night. We should get you into some pajamas.”
He looked down at his clothing and chuckled. “You want to strip me naked so fast? Come on, Mushu, have a little decency.”
Oh no. Not Mushu again.
“Yeah, on second thought, maybe it’s best if you do it on your own,” I told him.
“Sorry, cancel everything I just said.”
I went into his dresser and took out a pair of cotton pants and a T-shirt, and he stood up and tried to put them on. He started stumbling around—I don’t know if he was serious or just acting stupid—and said he needed me to lend him a hand so he wouldn’t fall over.
“Liar,” I chided him, but I went along with it. I successfully forced myself to look away as he was changing his pants. But when he took off his shirt, I couldn’t hold back any longer. And what I saw made my jaw drop.
“What the…?” My voice must have risen ten decibels when I saw the inky black silhouette of a buck with immense horns taking up the entirety of his chest. “Since when do you have that?”
Jack blinked, almost as if he didn’t know what I was talking about. Then, when it dawned on him, he said, “Oh, this? I lost a bet.”
“Jack!”
“What? I was drunk in Paris and I had a couple hundred euros in my pocket. What do you want from me?”
I had to stop myself from reaching out and touching it. It was beautiful, I admit, but it was somehow disappointing. And yet, why did I care? It wasn’t my problem. It was his money, his decision, and I guess there were worse things he could spend it on.
“Don’t you like it?” he asked.
“It’s nice, but, uh, it’s a little big, no?”
“You can do like last time and get a smaller version on your shoulder or something,” he responded, and I jabbed my finger into his shoulder and knocked him back on the couch.
He put up no resistance, just stretching out and waiting for me to cover him with a blanket.
When he was all tucked in and comfortable, he smiled like an angel.
“Try and get some rest,” I told him. “And if you need anything, you know where I am.”
I turned, but he grabbed my wrist. “You know, I’ll bet I’d sleep a lot better if someone kept me a little company,” he whimpered. “I’m vewy vewy afwaid of de dark.”
“Don’t worry, I’ll send Sue right in.”
“Nah, you’ll do.”
“Thanks for lowering your standards, idiot.”
Jack laughed and pulled me closer, not insistent, but as though pleading. And I knew he wasn’t joking when he said, “Sleep with me. Please.”
“Are you sure?” I asked, looking over at the hallway.
“I’m sure.”
“Shouldn’t we go to your room?”
“We’ll be fine here,” he said.
I wasn’t so sure about that, and much as I was tempted, I didn’t need the whole apartment talking about us. And I definitely didn’t want him to wake up sober, regret what he’d done, and kick me out. He was being sweet now, but he wasn’t exactly in his right mind.
“What if you regret it tomorrow?” I asked.
He sighed. “Do you think I haven’t been wanting to do this since I first saw you again?”
He scooted up to make room for me and see how I reacted.
I took off my glasses and laid them on the table.
“OK,” I said. I lay down next to him and pressed my back into his chest. Almost as if he feared I might reconsider, he wrapped an arm around my waist and pulled me in tight.
We pulled the blanket around us, and I lifted my head so he could give me a bit of pillow.
“No escaping for you now,” he joked. I could feel his warm breath on my ear, and something stirred inside me. I wasn’t used to having him so close.
“Oh, so this was a trap?”
“Damn straight. You can forget ever seeing the light of day again.”
“Damn it,” I said. “After how hard I worked on my tan…”
“If you’re a sweetie, I’ll let you peek out the window sometimes.”
“Thank you, sire.”
Our bodies shook as we laughed, and for the first time, it felt as if no time had passed and nothing between us had changed. I wished I could freeze time and stay with him forever there on the couch, just as we were. Jack squeezed me tight and rested his cheek against mine.
“Is this OK?” he asked.
“Yeah,” I said after a second. “It’s great.”
“Good.” His lips still close to me, he continued, “Good night, Jen.”
“Good night, Jack.”
And finally, I fell asleep.