Chapter 12 The Night of Truth #5
“Yeah. It was just smoking weed at first, but one thing leads to another, you know. I realize it wasn’t the healthiest thing.
If I could go back and change it I would, I promise, Jen.
Mike really got himself together, and he tried to help me, too, but I cut myself off from the world.
I didn’t talk to my parents, I actually blamed Mom, if you believe that.
I remember shouting at her one time that if she’d done something sooner, none of that would have happened.
But she was scared, and I know it was really my father’s fault.
I couldn’t bring myself to ever tell him, though.
I mean, I was horrified to even be in the same room with him. ”
“So what did you do?”
“That’s when I got into movies. They were my escape.
My only one, honestly. Mom wanted me to forgive her, and when I was in the hospital, she brought me all these books I wouldn’t read, but she also signed me up for a bunch of streaming networks, and something clicked.
I’d watch four or five movies a day, then I’d stay up late reading about the film industry online… ”
“And you figured out you wanted to be a director,” I said.
“No. That still took a while.”
I realized then that he’d gotten his first tattoo to cover the scar, and that was why he’d been so shy about showing it to me. I asked him when he’d done it, and he told me the story.
“I was pretty much healed by that point.” He grinned, “I got drunk and I paid some bonehead ninety bucks to do it. It was horrible. Then a couple of years later, when I was off the coke, Will told me he’d pay for me to get it fixed.
It was a celebration kind of thing, like he and I had talked about how my life was going back on course, I was getting better…
and I wanted things to stay that way. That’s one reason I didn’t stop you when you wanted to get that same tattoo, Jen.
Because I saw you as part of my recovery.
And I don’t want you to know about the scar underneath it.
I want you to see the symbol of the new me that’s on top of it.
And I know you were trying to change your life, too, and I hoped maybe having that same tattoo could help you create a new you as well. ”
I looked down at my hip, where I had a little eagle with outstretched wings identical to the one on his back. I had always liked it, but it meant even more to me now. When I tried to catch his eye, I noticed his head was hanging. Did he really think…
“Jack, you don’t think I’m mad, do you?”
“You went and got that tattoo with an idea of me in your head that wasn’t who I really was. And that’s my fault. If you were mad, you’d certainly be in the right.”
“Jack…”
“I mean, honestly, I just assumed you’d regretted it as soon as you left,” he remarked sadly.
“I didn’t tell you this, but the night of Lana’s party, I saw it poking up out of your skirt, and even if it’s cheesy, it made me so happy.
This dumb part of me was worried you might have gotten it covered up. ”
“I would never do that.”
I was still in shock, trying to absorb the whole story he’d told me.
But there was one thing that was still eating at me.
“I get that your mother didn’t do anything.
I don’t approve of it, but I understand.
It was her husband, maybe she was just too submissive or too traditional.
But Agnes? She has such a strong character! ”
“She never knew,” Jack said. “She’d already had such a hard time with my grandfather, and I didn’t want her to learn that her son was exactly like him. When we went to the hospital, we told her I’d had an accident on the court. If she ever found out what Dad had done, she’d have killed him.”
I suddenly felt furious—at Mr. Ross but also at Mary. I’d never had a child, but in my heart I knew I could never do what she’d done, knowing how vulnerable young people are. I let all this out to Jack, and he responded with feigned indifference, “Yeah, well, believe it, because it’s true.”
He sounded crushed, and I wanted to help, but I didn’t know what to do.
Did he want a hug, a kind word, or just to be left on his own?
Uncertain, I waited for him to react. After a few seconds he did.
Clenching his jaw, looking so lost, he told me, “No one ever came to my defense. Not until tonight. Not until you did.”
It took me a few seconds to speak: “Jack, I’ll always defend you, no matter what. Even if you are an idiot.”
I’d hoped to make him laugh with that last word, and it worked. He said, “I know you will. But it’s weird for me. I’ve never been able to believe in anyone before. I’ve never just known that someone was there for me. And I don’t know what that means for me, how I’m supposed to act, you know.”
“Well, that makes two of us,” I said, “because nobody in my life has ever supported me the way you have.”
“Some fucking couple we are, right? I keep my whole life a secret from you, you dump me so I can go to another country to study…how the hell are we going to make this work?”
I forgot that he’d heard the part about why I’d left school so quickly. I felt guilty, and my eyes opened wide as I wondered what he was going to say next.
“If I didn’t love you so much,” he responded, “I’d give you hell for actually listening to my father. I warned you when we first met to stay away from him.”
“Honestly, I deserve it,” I said. “If you chewed me out, I could feel at peace with myself. Because I realize now how stupid I was.”
“Fine. I told you so. But don’t say you were stupid. You’ve been manipulated too many times. That doesn’t have to shape you, though. And as someone who’s known you for a little while now, I may as well tell you…you’ve changed.”
“For the worse, I’m assuming.”
“No, Jen, for the better. You’re not the same person you were. You’re not scared to say what you think, you’re not scared to stand up to someone, even to my father, and make it clear that nobody’s going to push you around. Last year’s Jen would never have been capable of that.”
I blushed, but his words made me feel good. And I knew Jack was picking up on something that had happened deep inside me. I had changed, I knew that, but he was the first one to notice, and I was so grateful I could almost have cried.
Maybe to take the edge off the moment, he added, “Listen, though. Don’t let all these compliments go to your head.”
“We’ll see,” I told him.
He reached out and took my hand. Then he turned serious again. “I heard basically everything you and Dad said to each other. The money you took from him… Is it true? Did you really keep it to help me?”
I nodded and squeezed his hand. “I did, Jack. And it’s there whenever you’re ready.”
“I’m ready,” he said. “Fuck it. I’m more than ready.
” He closed his eyes a moment. “I’ve been thinking, and…
I’m supposed to go on tour for the film, and I don’t want to be high when I’m doing it.
When I’m old, I don’t want to look back at my first big accomplishment and have that be all I remember.
You’ve been right this whole time, Jen. I need help. ”
“We’ll get it for you,” I told him. “And all of us will be there for you.”
He grinned as he murmured, “I heard you say something to my father about how you loved me…?”
Oh. That.
I’d be lying if I said I didn’t start to panic a little just then. Of course, I loved him. But was I ready to say it? Was I ready to admit it to myself?
I could tell he was waiting. I could tell he needed me to confess. But I vacillated: “Come on, you have to know the answer…”
“Maybe. But if you don’t say it, I’m worried I’ll have a heart attack.”
I laughed, felt my body relax, and finally nodded. Why go on hiding it?
“Yeah. I love you.”
He leaned in and cupped my face. “Promise me something then, Jen. No more secrets, OK? Never again. Talk to me. Don’t take off running because all of a sudden you’ve decided you know what’s best for me.”
“I’m sorry,” I said.
“Don’t tell me you’re sorry. Tell me you won’t do it again.”
I reached up and held his hand to my face. “No more secrets. I promise.”
He came in for a kiss, and it took my breath away. It was just a touch, a soft one at that, but it was unlike anything I’d ever felt, and when it was over, I was still trying to process it. Then he said the words I’d needed to hear, much, much more than I’d realized:
“I love you too, Jen.”
We kissed again. It wasn’t soft, wasn’t slow—it was a kiss that showed the hunger he felt for me, a hunger he could finally express again after so long.
I felt exactly the same, and I’m sure he could tell.
Unable to contain myself, I leaned back into the seat and pulled him into me.
But when my mouth opened to let him slip in his tongue, he stiffened and pulled back.
“No,” he said, very determined. “I know where this is leading. I know what comes next when we kiss like that. And I don’t want to. Not yet. Not until I’m clean.”
I blinked and adjusted my clothes, feeling chastened, and said, “Oh, sure. Whatever you say.”
We looked straight ahead for a few seconds, me tapping my fingers on my knees, him doing the same on the steering wheel. When I couldn’t take it anymore, I asked him, “Jack?”
“Yeah?”
“That thing you said about waiting… I think it’s really sweet. It says a lot about you. But I don’t think I can. I don’t think I have the patience for it. I’m sorry.”
To my surprise, he breathed the longest sigh of relief in all of history. “Thank God. Because I sure as hell don’t, either.”
Now he didn’t stop himself. He grabbed my neck and kissed my lips with so much intensity, he knocked me back. Then he jumped out, ran around, and opened my door. He gave me his hand, more nervous than he wanted to appear, and I let him guide me toward the elevator.
As soon as the doors closed on us, he couldn’t decide what to do next.
Well, if he wouldn’t, I would: I grabbed the lapels of his jacket and pulled him toward me.
He gripped my hips and pushed me back into the wall, pressing into me until the doors opened and started closing again.
I laughed as I stuck a leg out to stop them.
By the time we made it to the apartment, we were both flushed and panting. Jack took out his keys but struggled to get them into the lock. After the third time, with me laughing at him mercilessly, he asked, “Is something funny, Michelle?”
“Yeah. Funny enough that I’ll even ignore you calling me that.”
I walked past him and he caught me, turned me around, and kissed me again. Now there was no more laughter—it was just passion, with his hand in the small of my back holding me tight to him and touching my chin with one finger so I would kiss him again.
I don’t know how long we were there, but I do know I couldn’t take it anymore.
I could barely breathe. I felt like I was stranded in the desert dying of thirst. Jack grabbed my hand and walked me to the bedroom.
He was still shy, still ashamed, I think, of his problems those past months.
But that didn’t matter anymore, and to get him past it, I shoved him onto the bed, straddling him as he rose up on his elbows.
He made a stupid comment: If this is the new Jen, then I must say, I like it. I told him to shut up or I’d tape his mouth closed. He replied, “I’ve never gone for the whole bondage thing. But hey, if you’re in the mood to experiment, please count me in.”
I helped him out of his jacket, and he tossed it into the corner, along with my sweater and T-shirt, which he pulled off in one go.
His lips were cool on my abdomen, rising between my breasts and up to my neck.
I remembered how we’d flirted at the party playing truth or dare.
But this was no longer a game. As he kissed me, he sank a hand into my hair, and I wrapped my arms around him.
The rest of our clothes soon vanished, as did whatever misgivings we’d felt.
I loved him, and I loved being with him.
I loved the way he looked at me, the way he caressed me, the things he whispered in my ear, whether they were tender, ridiculous, or dirty.
I loved how he made me feel. And even more, I loved the way I made him feel.
When we were done, I looked down at him, his cheek on my chest, his arms still around me. He was deep asleep. I caressed the tattoo on his back, felt the rough skin of his scar, felt him hold me just a little bit tighter.
No, Jack wouldn’t be alone again. Neither of us would ever be alone again.