Chapter 13 Starting from Zero #2
I was down in the laundry room at the time, scrubbing out a stubborn spot in a pair of jeans. It had been forever since he and I had really talked. I called him whenever I could, but he always seemed so distant. This time, there was something different: a shyness, but also a presence.
“Mike was with me this morning.”
Seriously? Those were his first words to me? I stopped what I was doing and grunted. “Great. And?”
“I don’t know where to begin. Are you mad at me?”
That was a beginning, at least. But no, I wasn’t mad. Frustrated was probably the better word. “You mean because every time I’ve called you it’s been like talking to a brick wall?”
“Yeah,” he responded. “Because of that.”
“Look, I get it, OK? You need space. You’re going through some shit. It isn’t easy, but I can deal…”
“That’s not it, Jen,” he cut me off. I noticed then he sounded a little congested.
“It’s not that… It’s not that I don’t want to talk.
I mean, dammit, you’re all I ever think about, you and our friends, but especially you.
I just don’t want you to see me like this, though.
I don’t even want you to hear me like this. ”
He was silent so long, I wondered if he’d hung up. I knew what he was getting at. I had tried to remind myself of what he was going through. And I was sad for him. But he needed to know the rest of us had feelings, too.
“Jack,” I began, trying to sound understanding, “we’re here for you if you need us. Nobody’s going to judge you. Nobody cares what situation you’re in.”
“It’s easy to say that from a distance,” he responded.
“Were you uncomfortable with Mike there?”
“No. But he’s been through this, he knows the deal.”
“Will does, too, doesn’t he? Would you be willing to see him?”
“Will?” He thought for a moment. “Yeah. Yeah, I’d like to see him.”
“Fine,” I said, a little disappointed. “I’ll tell him to go see you tomorrow when class is over. I charge for messenger service, though. You can pay me when you get out.”
He laughed, and despite everything, I felt myself calm down.
This was the most relaxed I’d heard him in ages.
He asked how things were, how my classes were going.
And finally, I got to tell him everything that had happened in his absence.
It’s not that it was much, but when you’re crazy about someone, you need to share those things with them.
He listened attentively, and when I was done, it hurt to realize the time had come to hang up.
I hated thinking of him being there by himself.
If only he were a little closer, I thought.
I knew I wasn’t supposed to visit, but if I could even walk past his window, it would have been a small consolation.
True to his word, Will went to see him the next day.
Naya made good on her threat to bake him cupcakes, which were basically chocolate-flavored charcoal briquettes covered with a red icing Sue said looked like congealed blood.
There was no way anyone ate them, but Will brought the Tupperware back empty and told her they’d shared them with the other patients and everyone had said they were delicious.
I admit it: I felt left out. Will and Mike could go see him, but I couldn’t? I was trying to be understanding. I swear I was. But when insecurity struck, it was hard not to think Jack was slighting me.
More weeks passed, I lost myself in my routine, went back to jogging in the mornings, even talked to my parents now and then.
They wanted to get close to me again, but they wouldn’t say sorry.
And I wasn’t ready to let them off the hook.
Our conversations were uncomfortable, but at least they were something.
I remember one call in particular because I was walking into the apartment when it happened, and I found chaos: shoes on the floor, clothes thrown all over, and Sue beating on the bathroom door telling Naya to come out.
“Hey, Mom,” I said, “I gotta go. I’ll call you again soon.” As I hung up, Sue kicked the door and shouted, “Open up, dammit! I need to piss.”
“No,” Naya responded. “Leave me alone!”
I was worried they might come to blows. Sue looked enraged, and Naya was screaming like a banshee.
I asked what the hell was going on. Sue spun around, knees touching and one hand stuffed between her legs, and said, “If she doesn’t come out now, I’m going into her room and pissing all over her carpet! ”
It was clearly an emergency. I knocked softly, asking Naya if anything was wrong.
“No! Just leave me be!”
I heard her sniffle, and her little feet were pacing back and forth. In our good cop, bad cop act, I tried to play soft, telling Naya that whatever had happened, it would be OK, we’d understand. In the meanwhile, Sue’s threats got more and more violent and demented.
Finally, Naya said, “I’m not sure if I should tell you.”
“Naya, it’s better to let it out than suffer alone in silence.”
That convinced her, and she opened the door. We found her sitting on the toilet in a pink party dress with her mascara running down her face. She must have been crying all day. I instinctively hugged her, but Sue shattered the moment when she screamed, “MOVE, DAMMIT!”
I guess privacy didn’t matter much to her. She shoved us aside, jerked down her pants, and sat down as Naya started weeping again.
“What is it, Naya?” I asked. I was torn between the worry that something awful had happened and the awkwardness of hearing Sue’s piss streaming out right there next to us.
As Sue blushed for what I assume was the first time in her life, resting her face in her palm and explaining, “I’m sorry, I just couldn’t hold it any longer,” I suddenly knew what was wrong with Naya.
Could it be? I froze, and she saw in my eyes that I’d grasped the situation.
If it was possible to cry any harder, then she did.
“Naya, are you…pregnant?” I asked.
In response, she handed me a white-and-pink plastic stick with a wadded-up sheet of instructions.
“I think so,” she said, “and I’m scared.
” Sue stood and pulled up her pants in silence.
I think even she realized this was no time for sarcastic remarks.
Naya was destroyed. Unsure what to do, I pulled her head close to mine as Sue grabbed the instructions from me and read them closely.
The two lines on the test were plain as day.
But maybe that meant negative on some brands?
I didn’t know, but I tried to reassure her. “You know, these things aren’t always right.”
“They’re 99 percent accurate,” Naya sobbed. “I just looked it up on my phone.”
“Still, we should do another,” I said. “You can never be too sure, right? This is a big deal, no need to jump to conclusions.”
But after two trips to the pharmacy and several more tests, all with the same result, it was time to jump to conclusions.
Naya was shattered. I didn’t know what to do, so I just sat there rubbing her back while Sue, on the floor, took charge of the Kleenex, passing her another one every time she needed to wipe her tears or blow her nose.
“My life’s over!” Naya moaned.
“Come on, let’s think,” I said. “I know it seems like a big deal now, but…”
“It is a big deal, Jenna!” Naya screamed.
“How did it happen?” Sue asked. “Don’t you guys use protection?”
“I’m on the pill,” Naya said. “But you know how, like, there’s the sugar pills in the packet that you don’t have to take? I guess I got those mixed up with the other ones, and maybe my cycle was off, and something happened…”
“It’s OK,” I said, “let’s calm down and be strategic here. Does Will know?”
Naya shook her head. “He’s gone, he went to see Ross again. He won’t be back till later. I was so excited, it’s our anniversary, you know, and we’ve got a reservation at this fancy restaurant tonight…”
“Look on the bright side. Now you don’t have to wonder what present to get him,” Sue joked.
It was irritating, and I tried to cover up for her by encouraging Naya.
“Seriously, though. You need to tell him. You should go to the dinner and tell him there. He’ll be in a good mood, and a restaurant is neutral ground where you guys can really talk. ”
“Are you crazy?” Naya cried. “Then what? I just tell him he’s got no choice but to be a dad and I hope he’s happy about it? He’s going to hate me!”
“Will would never hate you,” I told her, “especially not over this.”
“She’s right.” At last, Sue had said something sensible.
“Either way,” Naya replied, “there’s a baby inside me now and it’s going to ruin everything we’ve ever planned.”
I frowned. “My sister had her kid when she was way younger than you, and she’s always said it was the best thing that ever happened to her. My parents got married when they were twenty. I understand those were other times, but maybe people back then weren’t wrong about everything.”
“You don’t have to keep it,” Sue said. “I know that’s not easy to talk about, but you do have options. I’d at least get some counseling and think it over before you decide. But then, you know me, I’ve got about the same maternal instincts as Cruella de Vil.”
Finally pulling herself together, Naya admitted, “I don’t think I could do that.
I’ve always loved kids. I’ve always wanted them.
And I never wanted to be one of those people who waited until they were in their thirties.
At the same time, though, I didn’t think it would be this fast. I haven’t even graduated.
I guess at least Will’s almost done with school, but still… ”
“Naya, you don’t have to decide today,” I told her. “Just talk to Will tonight, and then tomorrow, when you’re calmer, the two of you can go to your gynecologist.”
“Yeah,” Sue added. “I’m sure a doctor will have better advice for you than we can give.”
That seemed to cheer Naya up a bit. She had been hugging her knees. Now she stretched out, grabbed the positive pregnancy tests, stood up, and looked at herself in the living room mirror. “Jesus,” she said, “I look like hell. Why didn’t either of you tell me?”
“I thought it was on purpose, to make us feel sorrier for you,” Sue said, and I elbowed her in the ribs as she laughed maliciously.
“This is a nightmare!” Naya screeched.
“It’s not,” I told her. “Sit down. I’m going to put on some music, and you relax. You’re lucky you’re in the hands of your own personal stylists this evening, and I can assure you, we’re two of the best in the world…”
“Two?!” Sue protested. Then, when she saw my face, she said, “Whatever. Yeah, two…”