Chapter 20 Christmas with the Fam #3
Mike hadn’t bought anyone anything, but he sang everyone a song to make up for it.
It was…better than some of his other music?
I couldn’t say much more. Agnes baked everyone cookies, and we ate them while we opened everything else.
Mary gave Jack and Mike concert tickets.
Mike hugged her, Jack just nodded. For me, she’d gotten a smartwatch to wear when I was running.
I gave her some earrings with peace signs, which overjoyed her.
I’d bought Mike a jean vest, which he seemed to like, and for Agnes, I got a video game.
I didn’t get to hand Jack his present before he gave me mine. He was grinning a little too much for my liking as he handed it to me.
“Should I be worried?” I asked.
“It’s going to be the best present you’ve ever gotten,” he promised.
I wasn’t convinced when I opened it, and even less when I saw it was a T-shirt with an arrow pointing toward left that said, I don’t deserve him.
“You love it, don’t you?” Jack said. “Just be sure I’m always standing in the right place when you wear it.”
“You know what?” I responded. “I’m actually glad you got me this, because now I won’t feel guilty about your present.”
I handed him a package, and he opened it, intrigued. His eyebrows rose as he looked at the T-shirt I’d gotten him. “Are you serious?” he asked. He held it up. It read, Call me if you need a babysitter.
The whole time, Mary went on drinking. She’d almost killed a whole bottle of wine on her own since we got there.
She was slurring her words, swaying from side to side, leaning on me, laughing obnoxiously.
Jack’s face didn’t give away how he was feeling, but I could tell by the tension in his shoulders that he was angry.
At one point, I got up to pee, and Mary said, “Hey now, don’t run away.” She grabbed me around the shoulders, accidentally knocking me to the sofa. She thought it was funny, but that was as much as Jack could take.
“Can you stop being an idiot?” he hissed.
Mary tried to rock herself back up. “I’m just trying to have fun.”
“No,” Jack said, “you’re drunk, and it’s making everybody here feel weird. Maybe you could lay off the sauce for five minutes?”
Mary kept smiling, but it was clear her son’s words had affected her as she stood and walked to a chair a bit farther away. In a soft tone, she told Jack, “Sometimes, you can be just like your father.”
Jack didn’t react at first. Mike and Agnes watched him, afraid of what he might do. He blinked, then seemed to finally absorb her words, and stood. “How dare you compare me to him!”
“How dare you treat me the way he does!” his mother responded.
“You’re drunk, Mom, I’m just trying to get you to sober up!”
“No, you’re trying to humiliate me!”
“Mom, you’re acting pathetic. But why should I be surprised?
You were pathetic when Dad was beating us and you tried to pretend we were a perfect little family, you were pathetic when you sat there with me in the restaurant swearing to me that you’d leave Dad, and you’re pathetic now, acting like this is just a fun old Christmas with no family drama whatsoever! ”
Mary absorbed the blows better than I’d have thought she would, setting down her glass and standing to look Jack in the eye. With six feet of distance between them, they looked like two duelers ready to face off.
“You think you’re the only one in this family who’s suffered,” Mary said softly. “Well, I’m sorry to inform you otherwise. Your brother suffered, I did, your grandmother…”
“It’s not the same!” Jack screamed. “He never did the things to you that he did to me!”
“Jack, physical violence isn’t the only kind of abuse.”
I didn’t approve of her being drunk, using alcohol as a crutch to finally speak her mind, but she was right about that. It didn’t appease Jack, though. “What are you trying to say? That he hurt you as bad as he did me? Nice try, but I don’t think so, Mom.”
“All I’m saying, Jack, is your pain doesn’t cancel out ours.”
That wasn’t an accusation, it was a confession, something she’d clearly been keeping locked away a very long time.
Jack looked confused. Angry. Unsure where to turn. He wanted to bring an end to the argument, but he didn’t know how, and I was sure he didn’t want to say something he’d later regret.
“How fucking convenient this is,” Jack said, so furious his voice was trembling.
“For years, you stood by and didn’t say a word.
I had to swallow your depression, I had to swallow Mike’s addiction, I had to swallow Dad always being on my ass, I had to swallow Grandma never lifting a finger to help us.
And I never opened my mouth once to complain.
Never. And now I do something—now I stand up for myself—and all you can talk about is how I’m trying to cancel out your pain?
What about my pain? Did you ever think about my pain? ”
Mary looked down. “I did, Jack. And I’m sorry you had to go through that. I really am, from the bottom of my heart. But…”
“No buts!” Jack screamed. “Do you not get it? I always was there for you, for Mike, for everyone. But who was there for me? Who? You’ve never in your life worried about anyone else, and you don’t have the right to go throwing this shit in my face now!”
“I’ve tried, Jack! How many times do I have to ask your forgiveness for not being there when you needed me?
I’m trying, now! You think he didn’t treat me badly?
You think my marriage was a bed of roses?
I didn’t have anything left to give, Jack.
I tried to protect you. But what did you want me to do, run away?
You remember how your father used to lose control!
If I’d taken you away, he would have found me, he could have pulled strings, he could have gotten custody of you.
Look at you now, you have your own lives, you’re grown-up, I’m the one who’s alone.
I’m literally stepping out into unknown territory with this divorce.
I don’t know what’s going to happen to my home, my work, my galleries.
He’s threatening to take it all away! But I’m trying to turn the page.
I thought I was doing the right thing by separating from him.
But you still won’t forgive me. What do you want me to do, Jack? ”
Mary’s eyes were desperate, and Jack wouldn’t respond. He wouldn’t even look at her, and neither would Agnes or Mike. She was struggling to control her emotions as she added, “You have to believe me. It isn’t as easy as it looks.”
I met eyes with her, but I didn’t want to get involved.
I had already pissed Jack off when I’d taken his car to get Nelle.
I wasn’t about to add insult to injury. And yet, what his mother was feeling was real, and I knew what she was talking about.
Against my will, I found myself addressing her: “It isn’t easy, Mary.
I know. It isn’t easy to leave a relationship like that. Especially when it’s all you’ve got.”
Jack shook his head. “Are you seriously taking her side?”
“No, Jack,” I answered. “I’m not taking anybody’s side.
There are no sides, don’t you get that? This is exactly what your father wanted, for you all to fight with each other.
He exploited your vulnerabilities when he was here, and now he’s gone, and he’s still doing it.
He’s the bad guy in this story, not any of you. ”
I was fidgeting. I couldn’t help myself. I didn’t like the situation, and I didn’t like being on the spot. And most of all, I didn’t like seeing Jack in this state.
He looked from me to his mother. That hard, angry facade started to crumble. He clenched his teeth to keep us from knowing what he was thinking. It didn’t matter, though. He was an open book to me. Looking at the ground, he murmured, “All I wanted was for you to protect me, Mom.”
I had looked down, too, to keep myself from crying, and I didn’t see Mary’s expression as she said, “I’m sorry, Jack. You needed a mother, and I wasn’t that for you.”
“I wanted someone to let me know I wasn’t alone,” he said.
“Jack,” Mary responded, “I know you don’t believe me, but I’ll do anything to be sure you never feel that way again. Not you, not Mike, not anyone in our family. I swear. Just give me a chance. Just one chance.”
Jack lifted his head, and Mary started to take a step toward him, but then stopped. When she’d gathered her courage and finally wrapped her arms around him, Jack didn’t pull away. He even rested his face against her shoulder.
Agnes sighed. “If I’d known the night was going to turn out this way, I’d have drunk a bottle of wine myself.”
Mike laughed nervously. Mary grimaced at the two of them, and Jack walked out onto the back porch.
The cold didn’t seem to bother him as he continued toward the dock, where he walked back and forth, alone.
I started to follow him, but Mary stopped me.
“Leave him alone a while,” she advised me.
“He needs to decompress. I do, too. I’m going to head upstairs.
Between the argument and the alcohol, my head’s spinning… ”
“I’ll join you up there,” Agnes said, taking off the Santa Claus hat she’d been wearing. “I’m too old for these kinds of family feuds.”
On her way out, Mary whispered something to Mike, who nodded. When they were gone, and Mike was staring out the window at his brother, I told him, “You know, if you need to talk to him alone, I’ll leave you here.”
“Don’t feel like you have to run and hide, Jenna.”
“It’s fine,” I told him. “I should try to get some rest anyway.”
As I left the room, I heard the patio door open.
I don’t know what Mike and Jack talked about.
When my curiosity got the best of me and I looked out the window, all I could see was Jack kneeling down and clutching his head in both hands and Mike there next to him on the snowy ground, concentrating.
I took off my glasses, put on my pajamas, and got into Jack’s bed.
Everything that happened swirled in my mind briefly, but in an instant, I was asleep.
It was still dark when I opened my eyes and felt Jack getting into bed. His hands were frozen as he hugged me, but I didn’t complain. I felt the tension drain out of him as he held me close and rested his cheek on mine.
For the first time in a while, it felt honest for us to touch each other, and I savored it a moment before turning toward him. I could see the tears on his cheeks glistening in the moonlight.
“I’m sorry,” he said.
“I’m sorry, too,” I said.
“I don’t like the way we’ve been lately, and I don’t like us spending so much time apart. I’ll drop the traveling and—”
“Stop, Jack,” I interrupted him. “What’s been going on with us these months has nothing to do with you going away.”
“It hasn’t helped.”
“But it’s your job. And even if you weren’t working, I’d still be in school. I don’t want any of this to change, and you shouldn’t, either. This is our life. We have to learn to deal with it.”
He thought this over, and, unsure what else to say, I ran my finger along the top of his knuckles and held his hand. “I saw you talked to Mike.”
“He’s the one who talked, really,” Jack said. “I just listened. You know how hard it is for him to shut up.”
I laughed softly. Jack pulled me into him again. It wasn’t a time for words, but even without them, I slept more calmly than I had in months.