Chapter 6
big city, small world
Emerald
tuesday night
Me:
May I ask something?
Rodney:
Of course.
Me:
The women you were with on stage, are you together? An open relationship or are you single?
Rodney:
I am single, but Anita and Bri are a couple and we occasionally do scenes together. What about you?
Me:
Very single. How old are you, OG?
Rodney:
I was waiting on that one. Lol
I’m 41 and a Pisces.
Me:
Ohhh. OG is right You’re cute though, so I can make it work.
I’m 29 and a Cancer.
Rodney:
Oh word? You are very much a youngin’. Lol
It’s all good though.
Me:
What got you into law?
Rodney:
My dad is an attorney. My little bro and I followed in his footsteps. I don’t like being in court and don’t mind paperwork, so corporate law it was.
Me:
Any kids?
Rodney:
Nah. I’m the eldest and five younger siblings was enough for me. Never been married either. How about you?
Me:
Also the eldest and no kids. No ex-husbands despite my work. I’m in event planning. I work on a lot of parties, but weddings are my favorite.
Rodney:
Really? My brother’s gf is an event planner too! Maybe you know her. Audrey Wood?
Me:
Sooo, that’s my boss lol. Your brother is Rome? I should’ve put it together from the last name on your card.
Rodney:
I’m cracking up right now. Yeah, that’s him. Real grumpy motherfucker, ain’t he?
Me:
Yes. Very. lol
Rodney:
I’m just wrapping my mind around this. lol A shy girl like you loves parties?
Me:
I do, actually I’ll have you know I’m very different outside of Lilith’s.
Rodney:
Maybe if I’m lucky, I’ll find out.
Me:
Guess we’ll have to see about that.
Rodney:
Oh we will. Good night, Emmy.
Me:
Good night.
wednesday
So much for taking my time. Filling out the forms Rodney sent about kinks and has been enlightening for me. I answered a similar questionnaire after becoming a member at Lilith’s, but not since I started attending alone.
I think the more that I navigate life, read romance, and witness new things at the club, it’s safe to say I should redo these at least once a year. But for now, I’m shocked to find that I am more submissive than I believed I was. I’ll unpack that later.
My cheeks heat as I assess the very detailed answers I’ve selected. Rating my interest in toys, sensory deprivation, anal, bondage, degradation and group sex. The more I answer, the more nervous I get about him reading this.
I know Rodney is offering to “teach” me, but I was too anxious to ask him any questions, so I’ve been googling all morning in between meetings. Glancing over my shoulder every few minutes to make sure no one can see what I’m searching, as if I am not in my own office.
It’s unfortunate how much shame surrounds kink and sexual exploration. I’ve visited Lilith’s faithfully for nearly three years and am still a work in progress, but I’m proud of myself for trying, if nothing else.
I hesitate when questions about exhibitionism arise, opting to come back to them at the end. Rodney is obviously an open book, but I haven’t felt comfortable telling anyone else since my ex.
I am doing something scary, being vulnerable with a stranger. A beautiful fucking stranger who has made me feel far less embarrassed than a man I once loved. I know he wouldn’t judge me and recall his words the other night.
Never be afraid to speak your mind.
I cannot give you what you don’t ask for.
You are always in control.
I allow that to empower me as I complete this form, making an emphasis on exhibitionism with my parting notes:
I am open to exploring exhibitionism and submission gradually with you, and can assure that I am in no way prepared to take on that stage yet.
Maybe someday though. Or not. I understand that everything is my choice and I appreciate you for respecting that.
This has made me feel a lot more comfortable and I look forward to us getting better acquainted.
“‘I look forward to us getting better acquainted?’ What the fuck was that? He’s going to think I am such a strange girl,” I say out loud to an empty office room.
I pull up our text thread and attach the link to the completed form.
My acrylic nails tap against the screen as I type and delete potential greetings, not wanting to sound too eager or nonchalant.
I settle on something that still feels like me, but playful.
My stomach flips nervously as I wait for his response.
I guess I’m really doing this.
Emmy:
Thanks for the homework.
Words I thought I’d never say.