Final Session
The Drive Home
‘You’ll have bad days, Beatrice. Sad days, too.
But you are no longer blue.’
My hands tightened around the wheel.
Blue, or Blu?
‘Both.’
***
I spent my whole life living in a color I never liked.
Blue could dilute, blue could contaminate. That’s how I saw her.
That’s how I saw myself.
I never looked at her any other way, other than an imposter leaving broken shards of glass on the floor of my mind.
She stomped, and kicked and yelled. She told me to be a better person when she didn’t know what that meant.
But she acted out because she was lonely.
She never found a home, so she made empty spaces feel like paradise. And there, she filled empty hearts with her fuel.
I didn’t deserve it. But life isn’t about winning or losing, striking gold or betting the winning hand.
Cole didn’t save my life. And Jace didn’t end it.
It was me who dunked my head in water to tame the heart I lit on fire. Me, only me.
I lost my father.
My mother was a shell of herself.
I’d been assaulted. I’d been shamed. I’d been guilted, ruined, used –
I had starved myself for a second of attention. I cut open my flesh to drown in peace. Because torn wounds felt better than the thoughts I lived with.
And rainy days will come, and they will stay. But over time, I’ve slowly recognized the missteps in my footing.
I thought lying next to Cole would fix my insomnia, but I woke up more than ever just to see if he’d be there come morning.
I had a fear of abandonment that didn’t rest even if I tried to.
You can’t fix that sort of thing, not overnight.
I thought of my mother. She came to me in dreams, or nightmares, whatever way you want to look at it. Any day, I could wake up to a call from her sponsor saying she’d passed in her sleep – that I didn’t make it on time.
And every day, I’d wake up, and she would be there.
I thought of Jace, of what he was doing from time to time. But it didn’t haunt me like it used to, because I was living a life I had built for me. I had taken the risks. I had jumped overboard.
And I swam to sea.
Everything else is water.
And water was blue.
Cole’s face lit up my car play. “Hello?” I answered.
“How was therapy?” He asked.
Beautiful. Scary. Wonderful. Devastating.
“Good,” I settled on. “What’s for dinner?”
“Well…” I could hear the fire alarm going off in my apartment. “Uh, burnt chicken?”
I bubbled up in laughter. “Do I even want to know?”
“Probably not.”
“I’ll pick up Thai on the way,” I chuckled, and said my goodbyes.
It was silence again, and the silence was calming. No more loud thoughts, no more sirens.
Was this how life was supposed to feel? When the sun went to sleep, and the moon had its turn?
Does the dark need to be scary? Or can it be peaceful?
Blu, Blu, where are you…
I tried to reach out for her, but she said nothing.
Maybe, she was asleep.
I felt my thoughts drift – from Dad, to Mom, Jace to Cole – and then something inside me flinched.
Oh no, had I woken her?
But the thoughts settled, memories loosening. They didn’t vanish, but they quieted.
I exhaled.
You are no longer blue.
I felt inside the corners of my mind, searching for a pulse and there she was –
Eyes closed, smile soft.
No, I was no longer blue…
But I was, and always will be, Blu.
With gentle hands, I placed a warm blanket over her heart.
And finally, I let her rest.