Tessa
Chapter twenty-four
Going twenty-four hours without seeing someone feels like an eternity when seeing them is all you want to do.
Logan explained to me how his schedule works, and he’s currently in the home stretch of his shift.
I’ve been keeping busy with work, but chatting with my favorite regulars only provides so much of a distraction.
Rationally, I know he’s fine. He has made it a point to check in with me as much as he can, but they’ve been busy with back-to-back medical calls.
Sometimes, it seems our fire department does everything except fight fires.
Not like I’m going to complain about it, though.
There’s always the chance of one of them being injured while handling calls for medical assistance, but the chances of it happening are slim.
It’s the mental health crisis calls that worry me the most. A similar call is what stole my husband away.
The man on the bridge had been threatening to jump, and trying to save him is what cost Ryan his life.
In the years since the accident, a lot of work has been done to Willowbend Bridge to ensure it’s safe.
The entire thing was practically rebuilt, new trees and flowers were planted, and there hasn’t been so much as a car accident on it since.
It has been restored to the beautiful focal point it once was, and it’s become a popular spot for local photographers.
When we near the end of the school year, you can often find people posing on the bridge for prom or graduation photos.
Hell, Ryan’s old partner, Zack, even chose to propose to his now fiancée on the damn thing.
But as beautiful as it may be, I hate it.
All it does is serve as a reminder of what I’ve lost, and yet I’ve probably spent more time on it than anyone else in town.
It was the last place where my husband was alive.
And it’s become the place I return to when something is weighing on my heart or mind, the place where I feel the most connected to Ryan.
Liv is the only person in my life who knows I come here to talk to him. Well, to write to him. I’ve kept a journal since I found out I was pregnant, and I desperately needed an outlet for my thoughts. Sitting down to write out Dear Diary felt ridiculous.
But writing to Ryan?
It helped heal me in a way that I don’t think anything else could have at the time.
The journal in my hands is one of many, and I’ve kept them all.
I don’t know what I plan on doing with them, if anything.
Still, being able to write down all my thoughts and then read them aloud as though I’m having a conversation with the man who was my best friend for many years, brings me a sense of comfort and somehow helps me sort through whatever is taking up space in my mind.
Today, that thing is Logan.
If Ry were here, he would probably shake his head and laugh at me for how much I’ve been overthinking.
He used to say it was simultaneously one of my cutest qualities and the most infuriating.
He was the kind of person who would make rash decisions and then deal with the consequences later, while I tended to need to view the situation from every possible angle before making a decision.
We made a great team.
“Dear Ryan,” I start, then laugh softly as tears prick behind my eyes.
“I don’t know why I always start like that.
” Bracing my forearms on the bridge’s railing, I hold the journal open in my hands and glance down at the flowing water below.
It’s been six years, yet it’s still so hard to believe something that looks so peaceful is what stole him from me.
Tearing my attention away from the water, my gaze drops to the page, eyes flicking across the words.
“Hey, Ry. I miss you.” A single tear slides down my cheek as I begin to read the letter I’ve written.
“You held my heart for so long, I didn’t think I would ever be able to let someone else in. ”
Why is this so hard? Tears roll steadily down my cheeks, and I brush them away before they have a chance to fall and smear the written words.
“I met someone, Ry… I think you’d really like him.
You two would probably even be friends if things were different.
He kinda came out of the blue when I was least expecting it.
But that’s how life works, huh? Things never go the way we think they will.
” I pull in a slow, deep breath, trying to steady my voice.
“You left some pretty big shoes to fill, but he’s been really great with Jacob so far.
I know you were looking forward to being a dad, and you would’ve been the best dad, Ry, but it’s been really hard doing this all on my own.
My parents still help out as much as they can, and Liv loves being an aunt…
but most of the time, I still feel alone. ”
A light breeze rustles through the surrounding willow trees and brushes over me, blowing the strands of hair that frame my face back off my shoulders. I huff out a laugh, turning my gaze back to the river below.
“I know part of you will always be with me,” I say softly, an invisible weight pressing on my chest. “But you’re not here anymore, Ry.
Sometimes I don’t think I can do this on my own, and the thing is…
I haven’t felt alone since I met Logan. Is that crazy?
You would find a way to tell me if I was being crazy, right? ”
The breeze turns to a gust of wind as if in answer to my question.
The weight pressing on my chest eases, and a gentle laugh bursts free as I close my journal and slip it into my crossbody purse.
I’ve been carrying around this guilt since the first night with Logan, and it’s been slowly growing as our connection deepens, but maybe all I needed was to allow myself the freedom to fall again.
I’ve never believed in much of an afterlife, but I’d like to think that, if one exists, Ryan is out there somewhere, watching over Jake and me.
I hope he sees how hard I’ve been working to keep it all together and give our little boy the best life I can.
I’d like to think he knows that if he were still here, my heart would never open for another.
But with him gone, I have to allow myself the chance to love and be loved again.