Chapter 4
THE SMILE
Early on our second day together, I gave Aster a tour of the house. He appeared to know about it already, or at least his navigational abilities appeared superhuman next to my own tendency to get lost whenever the opportunity presented itself.
Aster let me take over the speaking, seemingly impressed at my knowledge of the interior and how I had come to stay here by winning a contest. When we reached the bedroom, he smoothed the blankets on my bed and shifted the pillows to a more amenable position.
This is where you sleep? he asked, and I couldn’t tell if he wanted to make conversation or if he had another reason for asking.
“Yes. It’s the only bedroom in the house,” I told him, and I searched his face for more of a motive to feed on.
Aster left the bed. He paced around the room as if inspecting it and brushed the curtains over the larger window to the side. For a moment, his eyes lingered over the ocean visible in the near distance. Then he turned his head. He leaned forward and dampened his lips. What is the tower for?
I explained the lighthouse to him as well as I could: its intended purpose, the fact that it was now defunct, and that lighthouses were seen as exotic attractions.
Do you like lighthouses?
“I guess. I haven’t really been out there much since I got here. I guess I just wanted to settle in first and take my time.”
Aster’s smooth pink lips twisted in a displeasure he did not bother to hide, but he kept his remarks to himself.
Surprisingly, I realized that I had already come to like Aster’s judgments. I liked when he told me what was wrong and where I needed to improve. Every word from him became a truth, a binding statement that would bring me success if I listened—and I couldn’t help but listen.
Then we crossed the hall to the modest bathroom, a dark room by comparison with little to show. Aster picked up the china doll and turned her over in his hands. I like this. Is it yours? he asked idly.
I blushed. “Oh, no. The doll came with the house.”
I see.
“I mean, I like it too,” I corrected, wondering why I found it so difficult to keep up with him. “It’s beautiful. A nice piece of work. Old, too.”
How old?
“I don’t know.”
It appears you didn’t bring much with you when you came, and you haven’t touched much of what was provided to you.
“I’m only trying to be frugal,” I said, blushing at the desperation that had grown apparent in my voice. “Besides, I have much more going on in my head than out here. I like it all. I do. I just wanted to focus on more important things and not ruin anything by my touch.”
Aster now smiled deviously. Who told you that you needed to touch something to ruin it? Stella, you could destroy anything you wanted in a single glance.
He turned around and left the bathroom, abandoning me to interpret what I could of his cryptic comment. I could destroy anything I wanted… but I didn’t want to destroy. I wanted to build, to create.
I turned and faced my pale reflection in the mirror.
I tucked some hair behind my ear and repeated Aster’s phrase half out loud to see if I could make any sense of it.
Already I had the feeling that his vision stretched deeper into the weave of the universe than my own.
Not everything he told me could make sense to me—but that fact did nothing to quell my desire to know more about what he meant to say.
Given the silence that filled the house now, I could have believed that I was here alone.
Aster made no sound when he moved, and even when he was in the same room I felt that I could close my eyes and forget all about his presence.
I wondered where he was—the kitchen, the living room—and hurried away from the bathroom mirror to catch up with him.
When I found Aster, he was at the base of the stairs, now intently looking at the shipwreck cross on the wall like he wanted to take it apart and put it back together again. He didn’t see me at first, so I swished my skirt and stomped down the last few steps to catch his attention as I joined him.
“So what do you think?” I asked.
Aster’s eyes moved slowly from the cross back to me. He stepped away from the stairs to the kitchen counter, and I followed him like a schoolgirl waiting for direction on a class project. Then he leaned forward, resting his arms on the counter while I walked into the kitchen behind him.
“It’s a nice place, a lot of historical value,” I added.
I didn’t know if Aster was smiling at me gently or if the expression came from the way the light fell on his face from the kitchen window. I never would have guessed.
“But why not? The tower’s over there. You can see this place is old…”
And old is always better than new, do you think?
I caught my breath. Talking to this man was like playing a game, and even if I couldn’t win, I wanted at least to score enough points to feel satisfied.
Aster continued. But of course, you’re too sophisticated to care either way. Old, new, valuable or mundane. That’s how other people would categorize it. How often do you climb up the tower?
This round of the game had already gone to him. I didn’t say anything but swallowed while my stomach shrank to the size of a tightly squeezed fist.
There’s a beach outside. Do you ever visit it?
“I told you, I’ve been busy,” I said. “I only just arrived a little while ago. I was going to visit the beach after I got started with things, after everything was underway.”
Now Aster straightened and pronounced his own victory. Stella, you promised me you would do anything I asked of you. That you would withhold nothing. Is that still the case?
I nodded tightly.
Then smile for me.
“Smile?” I frowned instead, and the irony was not lost on me while I waited for him to explain.
You are the artist, the commander of this endeavor. Everything you wish has already been granted to you. If you wish to work with me, then smile, and you and I will spend a day out on the beach.
“I thought maybe we could go tomorrow,” I said. “Or later this afternoon. A whole day is ridiculous. I didn’t make any time for it…”
Do you really listen to me at all? he questioned, amused.
I steadied my breath. Then I smiled. It was one of the worst smiles I’d ever given.
I’d never been good at smiling. I first noticed my lack of facial talent when I was ten and posing for a photo with my extended family at a reunion.
I saw myself in the picture later and wanted to cut a hole around my face so that no one would have to see it and associate it with me.
Beyond that initial disgust, not being able to smile had never bothered me overly much. I wasn’t an especially cheerful person.
Pleasure had always felt shallow and temporary to me, the pursuit of fools. I found value in effort, which frequently came with suffering. Now in front of Aster, I found myself retracing that particular philosophy and wondering if it had actually helped me all that much at all.
Aster watched me for three seconds, not blinking once the entire time. Is that the best you can do? he asked as I tried to hold my lips upright.
I dropped the expression. “I don’t smile much. It’s never been my thing.”
You like sadness.
“No, I… I like worth,” I said. “It’s more that I don’t care about happiness. I’ve always liked to think that heaven is a place with bad days as well as good, you know?”
Aster raised his chin. I’ll get you to smile by the end of the day. There’s a shining light in your soul that is trying to break out, and I want you to let it. Would that be too harsh, do you think?
“No, not at all.” I blushed. I didn’t know this experience would come with its own tests. Nor could I have guessed that Aster would be so particular in his demands.
I followed him back into the living room, where he pointed out of the window at the ocean outside. I’ve had enough of this talk for now. Let’s go to the beach, you and I. The weather is perfect, and the sand will be soft.
“Maine doesn’t have especially soft sand,” I corrected. “A lot of it is imported.”
Is this?
I didn’t answer because I didn’t know. I hadn’t thought about the beach much since my arrival. Now almost a week had now passed, and I didn’t know if the sand was rocky or smooth.
Aster understood my lack of an answer at once and patted me lightly on the shoulder with a touch I wasn’t sure if I really felt or more imagined. As I suggested. You like sadness, he said.
Our conversation ended there. Aster told me that he would have no more of me until I was ready to step outside. I sensed that he wanted to get out as well and explore the strange world I had pulled him into, but I never asked him about it directly.
I had to dig my swimsuit out of the trunk where I’d packed my clothes.
It was a basic single piece, dark blue with a black mesh skirt.
I’d bought it for this trip and had never worn it, but now I wondered if it wasn’t the right thing.
Aster might prefer to see me wearing more.
Or less. I had no way to know. After catching a glimpse of my reflection in the mirror, I wrapped myself in my dusky swimsuit cover and draped around my shoulders the basic white beach towel I had also brought from home, a thin terry cloth piece that might as well have been brand new despite the seasons that had passed since its purchase.
When I reached the bottom of the stairs and slipped on my sandals, I found Aster already waiting for me at the door, fully dressed as usual. He looked at me in surprise.
I glanced down and realized that he was looking at my swimsuit cover in curiosity.
I didn’t realize a trip to the beach would require a change of wardrobe, he said.
Suddenly my cheeks burned and I regretted the whole thing.
“Oh—I didn’t need to,” I stammered. “I thought that we might go swimming. Or that I might. If the water’s warm enough and it seems like a good idea.
” The more I kept talking, the more idiotic my words became, babbling from my mouth like a leak I couldn’t fix.
I quieted myself and nodded in the hope that Aster would understand.
Aster stepped back from the door but returned my nod. Do as you will. Shall we set out, then?
I rested my hand on the doorknob and opened it with a quick tug.
Instantly a cool breeze slipped in around us, and Aster followed me as I stepped outside.
I gave him a brief tour as I led him to the back.
I pointed out the light tower and the abandoned garden that had once been a source of sustainability for the family who had lived here.
Aster walked behind me always, pausing when I had an explanation and peeking between the posts of the garden fence when I mentioned what had once grown there.
By the time I reached the sand, I paused for a moment and took in the sight of the ocean itself, up close.
It had a majesty here that I hadn’t seen from the lighthouse.
Standing in the sand with the water teasing the bottoms of my feet made everything larger and more fascinating.
I stepped in deeper, testing the temperature and finding it cool for my liking.
Then I turned around. I had completely forgotten Aster, and his quiet way of moving could have tricked me into thinking that I had come out here alone.
Instead I found him only a few paces behind me, closing his eyes as he took a breath of the air.
He opened his eyes. Good job.
“Good job?” I echoed.
He pointed back at my face. I told you I could get you to smile. Now I want you to remember this for the future.