Beth
Beth
‘Before we go, I have something to tell you,’ she says, as they climb into his car to leave the hospital.
She looks at him. His face falls, worry filling his eyes.
‘Are you OK?’ he asks.
Not without you.
She smiles, softly, at the answer. Not yet , she thinks. I have to explain it properly first.
‘That’s the thing. You’ve asked me that question so many times over the years. You probably don’t even realise. But every time you’ve asked me, every single time, the answer has popped into my head. The real answer. Not the answer I will have given you, because I wasn’t brave enough to be honest. But the true answer. The answer from my heart.’
He frowns at her. She takes his hands.
‘Ask me again,’ she whispers.
‘Ask you what?’ He still doesn’t understand.
‘Ask me if I’m OK, and this time I’ll tell you the truth.’
He blinks slowly, humouring her.
‘OK. Beth, are you OK?’
‘Three days since our fight. And no, Nick, I’ve not been OK. Not without you,’ she says. ‘I’m not OK. Not on a hundred different levels. And I don’t think I ever will be… not without you.’
‘Beth…’ he begins.
She blinks back the tears.
‘Listen, Nick, I love you and I always will. I know that it’s always felt as though fate has tried to keep us apart…’
She pauses, feeling her pulse beating at her temple. The metronome reminder that she’s alive.
‘But I know deep down it was just because you – no, that’s not fair – because we were frightened.’
She takes a gulp of air, feeling light-headed.
‘And because we didn’t want to upset people and because our feelings felt bigger than we could cope with and because we felt ashamed and guilty and all kinds of fucked up things that we shouldn’t really have felt, but I know now that I can’t pretend any longer. I can’t pretend that I don’t love you. That I don’t want to be with you. Properly. Not just as best friends, but as everything.’
She looks up.
‘Beth…’
‘Don’t,’ she says, frowning. ‘Don’t tell me I’m wrong or emotional or confused. That it’s my trauma talking…’
It’s his turn to frown now.
‘I would never say that to you.’
‘I know you’re scared that you can’t forgive me for pulling you back. But don’t you think we should try, Nick?’ she says. ‘Don’t you think we should at least try and see? You mean everything to me.’
He takes a deep breath, closes his eyes. His hand reaches for hers and he grasps it tightly. She looks at him, waiting for him to speak.
His eyes are bloodshot now, and she hates the thought of seeing him upset. This is Nick. Nick is happy when his emotions are locked away. That’s when he feels safe. And she’s wrenched them out into the open, with no warning. Given him no time to prepare.
‘There’s a reason the hospital phoned you today,’ she says. ‘There’s a reason you’re my emergency contact. And that’s because you have always been there for me. Maybe not that first year, but I understand that now… Why you had to leave back then, to be with your mother. But since then, you have always been there for me, Nick. The one person in my life I have always been able to depend on. The one person who makes me feel safe.’
She watches his face, the emotions passing over his eyes.
‘Please,’ she says, squeezing his hand even tighter. This is the most terrifying thing she has ever done in her entire life, but finally, she’s inviting her dreams in. ‘I love you, Nick. And I know I will never be fully OK without you.’
She leans forward and takes his face in her hands. His eyes are wide with something. Longing? Fear? Love? She can’t be sure, but the air feels charged with a force that’s stronger than both their fears.
‘Please, Nick. Please can we be brave?’ she says. ‘Please can we be brave together?’
He blinks once, a smile playing gently on his lips, and then he leans forward, and he kisses her.