Chapter 37 #2
Thankfully, we were freshly showered and in the kitchen by the time Charlie wandered out of her bedroom.
She walked to Grady, still half asleep, and he picked her up without question.
He peppered her cheek with kisses, sending her into a fit of giggles that nearly had me melting into a puddle at their feet.
Grady’s love for his daughter was one of the first things I’d noticed when he came back into my life.
It was strange to see him as a father. It would take me a while to come to terms with it.
Seeing how good he was with her, how much he doted on her, I couldn’t help but wonder if he was content with only having one kid, or if he wanted more.
What if he did? Would it change things between us?
“Miss Cleo, are we gonna make cookies today?” Charlie asked, pulling me from my thoughts.
I offered her a smile. “Of course. I told you we would, didn’t I? I’m not backing out now.”
Charlie cheered. “Yay! Cookies for breakfast!”
“Now hold on,” Grady said, laughing. “You gotta eat some actual food before you go ruining your dinner with a belly full of cookies.”
“But—”
Charlie began to pout, but Grady placed his finger over her lips. “No buts. Eggs and bacon first.”
At the mention of bacon, she perked right up. “Oh, I could eat some bacon,” she said, nodding.
“Yeah, I figured so,” he said, setting her down on the ground. “But you have to eat your eggs, too.”
“Daddy…”
“No eggs? No bacon. No cookies.”
I watched, utterly enamored as they stared off with one another until Charlie sighed. “Fine,” she huffed, before running off.
He turned toward me, widening his eyes. “Have kids, they said. It’ll be fun, they said.”
I wanted to smile, but I couldn’t find it within myself. Instead, I turned to the fridge and grabbed the eggs. “Do you—uh—do you want more kids? Or is it a one-and-done situation?”
“Oh man, I’d love another one,” he said.
I could tell he was smiling from the way he talked, and it flipped my stomach upside down.
“I used to be terrified of being a father. Mine was so great I was worried about fucking it up, but now that I have Charlie… I don’t know. She makes the fear worth it.”
My hands shook as I set the eggs down and braced myself on the counter. Grady came up behind me, caging me in. “Why? You're already thinking about trying? I’m game if you are.”
“I can’t have kids,” I whispered, the words coming out so quickly I wasn’t sure if he’d heard me at first. But when I felt his body tense, I knew he had.
“What do you mean?”
I sucked in a breath. “You know how much I wanted kids. I always thought my calling was to be a mother, but I knew there was a possibility I’d struggle to conceive.
When Thomas and I got married, I was already older than I wanted to be when I started trying.
I didn’t want to wait any longer. We tried for about a year before I became pregnant. I was so excited. Ecstatic even.”
I could feel the tension rolling off Grady before he spoke. “Did he—”
“No,” I said, quickly. “Thomas didn’t become physical until later.
Just like me, he wanted a baby so badly.
Because I’d been tracking, we had our first appointment early.
Eight weeks. Everything looked great. We took the sonogram pictures home and hung them on the fridge.
I looked at them every day, dreaming up all kinds of names for our little one.
” I didn’t realize I was crying until I felt the first tear land on the back of my hand.
“A few weeks later, I woke up cramping. I didn’t think much of it at first and decided to go to work.
I was halfway through my second class when it became so bad I ended up passing out.
Apparently, I was only out for a moment, but I don’t remember going to the hospital.
I just know when I woke up, the doctor told me I’d had a miscarriage, and I cried alone in the Emergency Room until Rachel showed up and brought me home.
We tried a few more times, but the doctors said my uterus was too much of a hostile environment for a child to survive.
They suggested IVF, but I was tired of having my heart broken.
I went into a deep depression that Thomas didn’t understand, going between mourning the lives I’d lost and hating myself for not being able to do the one thing I was supposed to. ”
“Jesus Christ, Cleo,” he muttered, wrapping his arms around me. “I’m so sorry, baby. I didn’t know—”
“How could you? It’s not like we had a reason to talk about it before, and I don’t offer it up.”
Grady squeezed me tighter. “I know it wouldn’t have made a difference, but I wish you’d been with me. You should’ve been with me. I just—god, bluebird—I’m so fucking sorry.”
“It was a long time ago.”
“Time doesn’t just make the pain stop. It may lessen, but it never goes away entirely.”
I wasn’t sure how long we stayed like that, with him holding me so tightly it felt like he was trying to keep me from falling apart. I welcomed the comfort, letting myself fully feel the pain from the wound I’d just ripped open.
“If this is a dealbreaker for you—”
“What?” Grady asked, jerking back like I’d just slapped him. “Are you serious?”
I turned in his arms, purposely keeping my space. “You said you wanted more. I could understand how it may change things for you.”
His crystal blue eyes flashed with anger.
He moved so fast, cupping my face and forcing me to look at him.
“You fucking listen to me, Cleo Hayes… I don’t give a shit if you can give me zero kids or one hundred.
What I care about is having you. If we decide later we want kids, then guess what?
We can adopt. If we decide we’re happy with just the three of us, that’s how we’ll stay.
You are what matters to me, not some hypothetical future which may or may not exist.”
The tears fell harder now. As much as I wanted to believe him, I understood the reality of the situation. Sure, he may feel that way now, but would it be the same in a year? Two years?
“What if you change your mind?”
“I won’t.” I tried to find a hint of hesitation or worry, but there was nothing in his face except utter honesty.
“Cleo, I’ve waited seventeen years to have you again.
There isn’t a goddamn thing that could fuck that up, okay?
” He leaned in, kissing me softly. I met him in earnest, giving back as good as I got.
“I love you,” I whispered between languid kisses. “I love you so much.”
He smiled against my lips. “That’s the only time you’ve said it first.”
“What?” I asked, pulling back. “Like ever?”
“Well, I don’t know about that, but in the last few days, yeah. I wasn’t going to say anything, because honestly, I didn’t care who said it first. I just cared that you said it, but…” he trailed off, eyes twinkling. “I think I like the way it rolls off your tongue.”