Chapter 42 Cleo
cleo
. . .
I drove home in silence, letting only the creaking of the seat and rumble of the diesel engine fill the cab as I drove over the rough gravel road.
Whatever happened back there wasn’t my finest moment; I probably should have blasted something to drown out the overwhelming noise in my head, but for the first time in ages, I didn’t want to.
Meeting Grady’s ex-wife was inevitable. It was going to happen sooner rather than later.
They had a kid, for crying out loud. So, why was I surprised when she showed up at Grady’s door with a smile, arms laden with breakfast and coffee?
Sure, it’d been unannounced, but she shouldn’t need to make an announcement to visit her family.
After all, I was the one who was an outsider.
Except, I wasn’t really, was I? I loved him first. He was mine before he was ever hers.
Not that it was a competition. The thought was stupid, and I didn’t really feel that way.
If anything, I was glad he wasn’t alone for the half of his life I wasn’t a part of.
I was grateful for the happiness he experienced, the success he’d achieved, and the life he’d built.
If it hadn’t been for Liv and their relationship, regardless of what forces brought them together, they wouldn’t have Charlie.
I wouldn’t have Charlie.
Regardless of my relatively logical reasoning, for some reason, when I saw her standing there looking like a freaking supermodel, I panicked.
My fight or flight response kicked in, and I was all flight.
Suddenly, my clothes had felt too tight, and my skin itched with the need to get out of there.
It was selfish, but I panicked. I just needed a moment to compose myself, and I’d be fine.
I did hope Grady realized I wasn’t running away, even though I gave him no indication otherwise.
As I pulled up to the house, I put the truck in park and let my head fall against the steering wheel.
God, Cleo. How do you have such a talent for complicating things?
It wasn’t like I meant to, but sometimes I struggled to properly articulate what was going on in my head, which made matters worse.
The only choice I had left was to retreat.
Rachel called it turtling. I called it spiraling.
The rumble of the engine centered me, and after a few minutes, I felt strong enough to step outside.
I was sure either one or both of my parents would be waiting to jump on me the moment I walked through the door.
And Lennox wouldn’t be far behind. Maybe I could just take a shower, grab some fresh clothes, and drive back into town before anyone noticed I was here.
Yeah, fat chance.
Turning the ignition, I grabbed my bag and hopped out of the truck.
It was quiet, which wasn’t too unusual for a Sunday morning, seeing as most of the cowboys spent their Saturday nights in town at the Lone Star.
I braced myself for an attack the moment I opened the door, but was met with the eerie silence of an empty room.
Mom was usually at the table with her coffee, reading a book while Dad made breakfast. There wasn’t even the lingering scent of coffee to comfort me.
As I crept to the back door and peeked outside, I was surprised to see Mom tending to her garden.
For a moment, I wondered why she hadn’t heard my truck and come running, but then it hit me.
She wouldn’t have batted an eye at the sound of a diesel engine.
It was a necessity out here. Most, if not all, of our cowboys drove loud vehicles.
She likely thought one of them was headed up to the barn and didn’t realize I’d come home.
Maybe I could pull this off after all.
Heading back to my room, I was startled when I saw a figure sitting on the ottoman at the end of my bed. “Jesus, Dad! You scared me.”
He turned over his shoulder, giving me a warm smile. “Last time I checked, I live here too, ya know.”
“To be honest, I didn’t realize anyone was in the house. It’s too quiet,” I said, setting my bag down.
“Different, huh?” he joked. “I’m not used to it myself, but I think I’ll be able to get used to it eventually.”
I padded across the floor to my bed, climbing on top and hugging one of the pillows to my chest. I didn’t know how long he’d been here or why. Something about it was both comforting and made me uneasy at the same time.
“What’re you doing in here?” I asked, drumming my fingers against my pillowcase.
He looked back toward the bookshelf that had pictures dating back to high school, and old academic trophies that probably should’ve been thrown out by now.
“Don’t mind me. I was just feeling a little nostalgic.
It’s been quite some time since your mother and I have been alone.
Seems like it’s gotten quiet overnight, especially with your sisters gone.
They could fill a whole house with their noise, but sometimes you’re so quiet I forget you’re here. ”
“Well, I’ll try to be as loud as possible from now on,” I joked, still confused as to this sudden sense of sentimentality. “You’re almost empty nesters.”
That made his smile a little bit brighter. “Only took damn near forty years—”
“Hey! I’m not forty yet,” I said, squeezing the pillow. “I still have four years to go before I get the distinction.”
Dad shook his head. “Stop trying to age me, dammit. I already feel old as hell. I don’t need the reminder that my baby girl is all grown up.”
“Ah, Lennox has been grown, Daddy. For quite some time now.”
His large, bushy eyebrows drew together. “She may be the baby of the family, but I’m not talkin’ about your sister, Cleo. I’m talking about you. You’re my baby girl. My firstborn.”
I wasn’t sure why his words had emotions clogging up my throat, but I couldn’t speak.
I’d just assumed he was talking about Lennox because, while he’s always had a soft spot for all his daughters, I felt the bond between them had always been the strongest. She had him wrapped around her finger in a way neither Josie nor I ever had.
“Well, don’t remind me of my age then,” I muttered, not knowing what to say. “Seems rude to remind a woman of that kind of thing, you know?”
Dad looked around the room, and I wondered if he was judging the way I never redecorated when I came home.
How my childhood bedroom and the one he was sitting in now would be nearly indistinguishable if you examined them side by side.
“Your mom and I gave your sisters their own plots when they turned twenty-one. We offered the same to you once upon a time, and the offer still stands if you’re looking to plant your roots. You know we’d love to have you nearby.”
Once upon a time, I’d been happy for their offer.
I’d been over the damn moon at the prospect of creating my own little haven right here where I grew up.
But then Grady and I broke up, and it never felt right to live here with Thomas.
I couldn’t explain it, but I think some part of me subconsciously knew he would destroy any happy memories this land once held.
“I appreciate the offer, Dad. Really, I do, but—”
“But I think we both know your roots weren’t meant to be planted here.
” I blinked back my shock, forcing my face to stay as neutral as possible.
There was the smallest hint of sadness in his voice, but I couldn’t focus on that.
If I did, I’d have accepted the offer here and now, regardless of what I really wanted.
But how could he know that? I hadn’t even begun feeling that way until recently, until Grady.
“I get it, and I want you to find the place that feels like home. After what you went through…” he trailed off, clearing his throat before continuing.
“Well, you deserve to do whatever makes you happy. Just know your mom and I will support you no matter what.”
Oh, my heart. My stupid, badly beaten, scared and cautious heart finally felt like it was breaking in two at the thought of upsetting my dad, even for a second.
Before I could get up, he crossed the room and met me for a hug.
He didn’t hesitate to wrap his arms around me, squeezing tightly.
The faint scent of his cologne still clung to his clothes from the morning, and I inhaled deeply, trying to keep the tears at bay.
“I love you, honey,” he mumbled against my hair. “And I’m just so sorry.”
Even if he didn’t say it, I knew what his apology was for.
None of us had talked about Thomas since the night I told my family the truth about our relationship.
It wasn’t that anyone was purposely avoiding the topic, but we’d all been so busy I let it get swept under the rug.
Part of me hoped that was where it would stay, but I think another part of me wanted to talk about it to someone other than Laura or Rachel.
I wanted comfort from my sisters and safety from my parents.
I wish I’d felt like I could turn to them sooner, that I could’ve confided in them the moment that first alarm bell rang.
The first-time verbal spars turned black and blue.
But I’d been too stubborn, too afraid of being anything less than the perfect, dutiful daughter I tried to morph myself into.
I worried I would be seen as too weak, too fragile, too damn pathetic.
I heard the whispers of strangers when they gossiped, asking why victims of domestic violence didn’t leave earlier.
Their ignorance doused my fear and shame in gasoline while I lit the match and watched my life go up in flames.
“I am too, Daddy,” I whispered. My words were muffled against his old cotton T-shirt, but I couldn’t bring myself to move. It felt safe. It felt like home to be here with my father, letting him see a part of me I didn’t let anyone else ever see.
“Oh, Cleo… You have nothing to be sorry about, honey. I should’ve known, I should’ve seen the signs. You’ve always been quiet. Much more reserved than your sisters,” he said, rubbing small circles on my back. “But I should’ve known something was wrong.”
“You couldn’t have known.”
Dad sucked in a breath, voice starting to crack as he spoke. “You’re my baby, my daughter, my firstborn… I should have known, Cleo. And maybe I did on some level. Maybe that’s why I’ve been so goddamn torn up about it since you told us.”
I pulled back, looking up into his weary eyes. They were so consumed by regret that I couldn’t bear it. “Dad…”
“You’ve always had this special light in your eyes.
Even as a kid, and despite all the pressure and responsibility your mom and I put on you, it was there.
And that light only grew as you got older and went off to college.
That's why I didn’t make you attend a small-town school, so you’d be close to us.
I wanted you to go out there and feed that spark, even if it meant you leaving.
” He shook his head. “But when you came back from college, there was something different about you. I thought it was just about the breakup. I told myself it was normal, that it would’ve been strange if you hadn’t been torn up about it because you and that boy were so tangled up in one another, but then it never came back.
Each time I saw you, it was like looking at a damn ghost, and I—” Tears fell down his cheeks, but he didn’t wipe them away.
He let me see, and I forced myself to watch.
It was the cruelest form of torture. “I was too stupid to speak up. To ask you if you were alright. I thought you’d come to me if you needed me, like you did when you were a little girl and believed there were monsters beneath your bed. ”
“It wasn’t that simple,” I whispered. “I wish it was.”
“I know, and I’ve hated myself for my silence. I could’ve saved you so much pain if I’d just spoken up. If I’d just talked to you.”
This time, I did reach up and wipe his tears away.
“I get it. I really do. Sometimes I wish I’d spoken to someone sooner about what was happening behind closed doors.
But if therapy has taught me anything, it’s that I needed to learn how to save myself.
I’d been saving others for so long I’d forgotten to advocate for myself, to be able to recognize that I stayed in situations that were not good for me just for the sake of someone else’s comfort.
” I paused, blinking back tears. “Daddy, I needed to know I could rely on myself for once.”
He gave me a watery smile. “I haven’t told you this enough, but I’m proud of the woman you’ve become. Your mom and I made you grow up too fast. We relied on you too much.”
I reached for his hand and gave it a squeeze.
His skin was softer than it was a year ago, the byproduct of being forced into retirement earlier than he wanted.
If it were his choice, he would’ve worked this land until the day he died.
“You both did the best you could. I don’t hold any grudges about that,” I said honestly.
“But I am finally at a point in my life where I need to focus on what’s best for me versus what’s best for this family. ”
“I know, and I want that for you, sugar. After so many years of looking defeated, I finally see a glimpse of your light again. Whatever, or whoever, is contributing to that, I want you to chase it,” Dad said, voice breaking. “Even if it means your journey takes you off this ranch.”
I didn’t know what to say, so I just let him pull me into his arms and hold me like he used to when I was a little girl.
Weeks ago, this kind of intimacy would’ve made me feel uncomfortable.
It still did on some level. I would’ve batted Dad’s concerns away and downplayed my past to appease whatever guilt he might have felt—whether it was warranted or not.
But as crazy as it sounded, I wasn’t the same woman I was prior to Grady and Charlie showing up like a hellish tornado. They ripped the roof off my self-imposed martyrdom and forced me into a state of vulnerability I otherwise never would’ve experienced.
“I love you, Daddy,” I whispered, letting the steady beat of his heart ground me.
He pressed a kiss to the top of my head. “I love you, too, sugar. You’ll always be my little girl.”
I wasn’t sure how long we stayed like that. It was long enough I was nearly asleep when a knock sounded on the door. We both turned to look as Mom stood in the doorway, hand resting over her chest. “I hate to interrupt, but there is someone here asking to see you.”
I groaned into Dad’s chest. “Tell Lennox I’ll deal with her later.”
Mom rolled her eyes. “While I’m sure your sister would be thrilled to hear, she’s not the one asking to see you.”
“Who is it?” I asked with a yawn.
The soft cadence of boots on the hardwood floor caught my attention as a deep voice I knew better than my own said, “Me.”