9. Audra
Chapter 9
Audra
My heart is pounding in my chest. Every breath sets my lungs on fire. Tyler keeps a tight grip on my upper arm, hauling me toward the pond. If I thought for a second I could outrun him, I’d book it. If I thought I could get away with it I’d pick up my phone and call someone. I’d call Roman. Everything is wrong, my world is on fire and I know I’d call Roman. I don’t know when it happened, I don’t know what it means, but I know the second I can, he’s the first call I will make.
There’s nothing particularly aggressive about his actions, he’s just rambling, telling me how lost he is without me and how he’s so glad to have me back. I know how fast that switch can be flipped, how fast it can go south with him.
Every word out of his mouth is frantic, just another reason for me to be cautious. He goes on and on, spewing a long confession about how much he loves me and how he is so glad to have me back. I think I’m going to be sick.
It’s weird how things change so much in such little time. Just a few months ago it would have been so easy for me to go back. The idea wasn’t sickening, it was comforting. Now the thought of being back in that relationship makes my stomach turn. I can’t imagine myself back in a position where I have to sweep things under the rug and miss out on the lives of the people I love because I wasn’t allowed to keep those relationships closer than arms length. The thought is suffocating. I can’t do it, I won’t do it.
“I just need some air,” I say, turning away from him and heading closer to the water. The look on his face will be burned into my brain for years to come. I know tomorrow I have to wake up and add this to the list of things to heal from. A haunting mix of confusion and anger fill his face.
“We’re outside, don’t fucking lie. Stop running from me!” he says, grabbing my arm, turning me to face him. Tears brimmed my eyes. Fear burns red hot in my chest. The contents of my stomach churn and threaten to come up. I swallow it down and take a deep breath. I drop myself to the ground, sitting in the wet grass.
One second at a time. I’ll get through this one second at a time I remind myself. I remember Roman’s words in the kitchen, the way he walked me through my breathing. I follow the steps and I find myself trying to be somewhere else mentally and for the first time, somewhere else, is in his arms. It’s wrong, I know it is, to sit hunched down in the grass, crying in front of your abusive ex and picture yourself with someone else while he confesses his love to you.
“I won’t leave here without you tonight, Audra,” he says, as he runs his hand down my hair. Still standing above me, towering over me.
“You have to,” I choke out as I sob into my knees, squeezing them to my chest.
“I have to? What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” he spits. His hand pulls away from my hair and relief fills me. This isn’t love. It can’t be.
I look up past him and a person is walking our way, if I could just play it cool until this person is close enough, I’ll call for help. After all this time of staying silent out of fear, I promise, I swear to myself, I’ll scream for help. I flick my eyes back to Tyler attempting to keep him from looking behind him. If I play into this just for a little while, I can scream for help. So I pull myself up off the ground to be ready to run if I get the chance.
“I’m sorry. I just didn’t expect this. My mom is expecting me home tonight,” I lie. She knows where I’m at and I don’t think she would be surprised at all if I spent the night at Ares house.
The body approaching is familiar but not familiar enough. I plead with whatever higher power exists that whoever it is, is observant enough to come ask if I’m okay and I promise myself that for once I won’t lie and I’ll get help.
As if my prayers are answered, it’s more than I could have wished for. It’s Roman’s face I see emerging from the slightly foggy path. As Roman makes his way down the long stretch of grass it becomes clearer and clearer that it’s him. I find it in myself to peel my eyes away so Tyler won’t turn around and it works.
Before Tyler is even aware that someone is coming, Roman grabs him by the shoulder, spins him around and punches him once in the face, then twice. All I can do is stand there, mouth hanging open. I don’t know what I expected him to do, but it wasn’t this. He lands a third and final punch when Tyler hits the ground.
Holy. Shit. I’m equal parts terrified, turned on, and shocked. The kind of mix of emotions where the only thing left to do is cry. So I do. Not a cute, teary-eyed cry. No. I let out a gut wrenching sob, and fall to my knees. It’s everything. It’s that leaving the relationship didn’t free me from this. It’s that I was so scared minutes ago that I couldn’t even let my tears fall. It’s that Roman brings me so much comfort that I know without a doubt I’m safe to fall apart.
“What can I do?” Roman asks, his voice dripping with sympathy.
“Please just take me home. Don’t bother with him. I want to go.” He hesitates for a moment, looking over to Tyler. Temporarily I consider if I would find satisfaction in seeing him a little more bruised and bloodied. I decide it isn’t worth the risk of being here when he wakes up. Roman wraps an arm around my shoulders, helping me up and walking me to his car.
* * *
The humid air and sweat mixed together has my baby hairs plastered to my forehead, the damp grass sticking to my feet through my sandals, and the burning feeling in my chest is just about sending me over the edge. My thoughts are a whirlwind of sensations in my body and analyzing what just happened. I come to a dead halt and let out a sob—more of a wail really. The look on Roman’s face will be burned into my brain forever because I had never seen someone look so pained over someone else’s pain.
“My feet are wet,” I choke out between sobs. I’m not sure why that’s the first thing out of my mouth, then again I guess it is the only problem that can be fixed at the moment.
“What?” he asks simply but his voice cracks. Oh, he’s really never seen someone lose their shit. His face studies mine intently waiting on an answer or a sign that I’m going to be okay but right now it does not feel like I am.
“The grass is wet. It’s sticking to my feet. I can’t take it anymore,” I say through forced breaths. Okay, pull it together before you give this poor man a heart attack. I take a few deep breaths but there is nothing refreshing about sucking in the humid, South Carolina air.
“Please take my sandals off,” I say quieter, letting tears pour down my already soaked cheeks. He just nods and immediately starts unbuckling the sandals, slipping them off my damp feet. He wraps an arm around me before picking me up bridal style.
“I’m going to carry you, okay Auds? What can I do to help?” The question comes out frantic, like he’s begging me for a solution, not just asking me for one. All I can do is shake my head because nothing can be done.
Everyone tells you if you just leave you’ll be safe. All you have to do is leave. Tonight was proof that that isn’t the case. I’m not quite sure what to do with that other than throw myself a pity party for the night.
“I’m going to have to carry you through the fair. It’s the only way to the car from here,” he says softly. I nod hesitantly because it’s the last fucking thing I want but if it’s the way home, I’d do just about anything.
I tuck my head into his chest to avoid anyone seeing me or making eye contact with me. Hardly any time passes before I hear a voice I know all too well… Ares .
“What the hell. Is that Audra? I’ve been looking for her ever since you asked where she was.” I wonder briefly what the conversation they had consisted of but I’m too wrapped up in what had happened and the conversation happening here, now.
“The camp grounds,” Roman says coldly. Oh no.
“With Tyler? What happened? Is she okay? Put her down,” Ares demands and I feel him tug at Roman’s arm. In the same breath Roman yanks me away from Ares.
“She’s sleeping. Probably tired herself out crying in my arms out there. Just her and Tyler. Who the fuck let that happen?” Roman says in a tone low enough that only Ares and I could have heard which I appreciated but I know the words stung Ares. It isn’t his fault really at all. I made the decision to keep the whole thing from him so he didn’t know to protect me from him.
“Oh my God. He didn’t hur—” his voice breaks and he chooses not to finish the sentence. Or maybe he can’t finish it. “Let me take her home,” Ares offers.
“I’ve got it,” Roman says dryly and walks past him. I want to ask a million questions, maybe even give a pointer or two on how I wish he had handled that but for the first time tonight I feel safe. I decide not to say anything because in his arms, everything feels a little more bearable. I let him carry me to the car.
“C’mon, we’re here,” he says, opening the Jeep door and lowering me carefully to my feet. I plop down on the seat and he hands me my sandals. I think about everything between Roman and I since that first night I went looking for Ares. I think about all the ways he’s shown up for me and all the ways he has grabbed my hand and walked through the darkest parts of my life with me. I think about how sexy he looked walking into my work a couple of weeks ago.
“Can we just sit for a minute?” I ask, turning to face him in the driver’s seat. It’s the last thing in the world that should be on my mind. I should be thinking about what just happened. Or what will come next. But instead, all I can find within myself to do is look at his lips and think about how they might feel on mine and how much I should not be thinking that. I wonder briefly when that happened, when he stopped being just Ares’ brother. When he stopped being just my friend.
“All I can think about is kissing you,” I admit, turning back to face straight, looking anywhere but at him. I don’t know if it’s the adrenaline, the conversation I had with Maryanne a couple weeks ago, or watching him lay someone out for me but it takes just about everything in me to keep my hands to myself. Maybe it’s the fact that for the first time in a long time, I don’t have an inherent fear of Tyler breathing down my neck because for once instead of dreaming about being protected, I am.
“The first time I kiss you can’t be like this,” he says, with a deep sigh, like it physically pains him to say. I nod. I nod because I know, I know right now would be an insane time for us to kiss.
“I know,” I confirm.
“I should get you home.” The words come out strained. All I can do is nod in agreement and he does, he drives me home.
When we arrive at my house he walks around the side of the Jeep and picks me up bridal style again. As he carries me up the front porch steps and unlocks the door I realize how much someone has to care, to let you ugly cry into their chest in an open field, sitting in wet grass. To carry you a half mile to their car. To have already thought about you not wanting to put your sandals back on and made the decision to carry you again. To wipe your tears on their hoodie sleeve.
“Stay with me, please,” I plead as he walks us in the front door. A smile creeps to the edges of his mouth.
“Like I was going to leave you here alone.” He gives a dry laugh more like a scoff, setting me to my feet. “Let’s go get you cleaned up,” He suggests, placing a hand at the base of my spine, guiding me up to my room.
“I just want to go to bed,” I whine, pulling my damp hair from my neck.
“You have to shower, pretty girl,” he says softly, pushing my hair from my face. Just his voice and his presence is such a comfort I don’t want to go sit in the bathroom by myself for a half hour getting cleaned up. Everything feels so overwhelming, it feels like my whole body is an exposed nerve. Tears well in my eyes at the thought of all that needs to be done before I can go to sleep and move on from this day.
“I can’t,” I cry out, letting the tears fall. The whole night has been a nightmare I can’t wake up from and I don’t know how a night at the fair turned into this. I just want to go to sleep and try again in the morning.
“Come on, I’ll clean you up,” he offers, walking to the bathroom and I follow close behind. When I walk in the room he puts me on the bathroom counter carefully.
“What are you doing?” I question him. He leans down, turning the faucet on.
“I’m running you a bath,” he says, standing back up and walking back over to me. “Can I undress you?” he asks, standing between my thighs. I should absolutely say no. In fact it’s the only thing I should say. I should not let him get me naked in this bathroom tonight. However, all I do is nod, keeping my eyes on his.
He offers me a hand, helping me off the counter. He grabs the hem of my T-shirt, lifting it, I assist him, raising my arms above my head. My heart is thrumming in my chest, so hard I almost wonder if he can see it. He reaches behind my back putting our bodies impossibly close.
It’s a miracle I find it in myself to keep breathing when he unclasps my bra and it falls between us as he steps back. The bigger miracle? That he doesn’t even for a second look at my chest. His eyes are locked with mine the entire time, making a point to not make this something it isn’t. Lastly, he undoes the button of my jean-shorts and slides them down my legs, leaving me in just my underwear.
It’s when he slips a thumb into each side, sliding them down that he finally shows some emotion. He twists his eyes shut, rolling his head back as he takes them off of me. And that’s when I know without a doubt that even though he is showing this much restraint, he feels it too.
“Come on, get in,” he orders, turning the water off. I follow his direction and step into the hot water. It’s just hot enough that it stings. Hot enough that it feels like I might actually be able to wash this night off of me.
Roman finds a seat on the floor just the other side of the porcelain tub. He reaches for the shampoo bottle sitting on the ledge and pours it into his hands.
“Let me,” he whispers, leaning over the edge close to my ear. I nod. I’m not exaggerating when I say this is the most intimate moment of my life. Getting undressed by someone who has become one of my best friends, sitting in a tub and letting him wash my hair because I was too weak and tired to do it. I’ve had sex, I’ve done all of it, but this by far is the most intimate.
Roman washes my hair, then conditions it, then washes my entire body. He washes my makeup on my face and wraps me in a towel when he’s done and once again all I can think about is kissing him. I can think of all the reasons I shouldn’t be thinking about it, between Ares, Tyler, the healing process, but still it’s the only thing at the forefront of my mind.
He takes me to my room and dresses me, one piece of clothing at a time. It’s the closest I’ve ever felt to another person. The entire time I’m biting back words I should not be saying to him.
Finally he tucks me into my bed, leaving a kiss on my forehead. He takes the couch and it takes all I’ve got not to beg him to sleep with me, get in this bed with me, and hold me all night. Instead I let my mind race until I finally fall asleep.