Chapter 33
I just wanted a cup of coffee.
Hazel
I stretch as I wake up. Nothing can compare to a few good rounds of sex for a good night’s sleep. I reach for Miles but the bed next to me is empty.
My stomach dips but I place a hand on it. No need to freak out. I’m in Miles’s house. He wouldn’t run away with me still in his bed. He’d kick me out of bed first.
Except…Miles has never kicked me out of his bed. He’s been extremely uncomfortable. He’s rushed off to shower. He’s even faked phone calls to avoid conversation. But he’s never kicked me out.
Good reminder. Miles might have avoided me for the most part since returning home from Hawaii, but he hasn’t always been a complete jerk.
Which is good. Since I love him. I’d hate to be in love with a complete jerk.
I need to figure out a way to tell him. A hand on my stomach doesn’t stand a mermaid’s chance on land of helping me from spiraling out now.
Tell Miles I love him? What a stupid idea.
He’s enjoying chasing me. What happens when the chase is over?
Will the fun be over, too? Will the excitement have died?
I hate this doubt. I never used to question Miles and his feelings. I knew he loved me. I was secure in our relationship. Until he blew my security to smithereens.
Ugh! I pound a fist on the mattress. I hate being this insecure woman. It’s not me. I know what I want and I go get it.
I love Miles. It’s a fact. An undeniable fact. And the smugglers know I tried to deny it. For years.
It’s time to tell him I love him. And face whatever consequences may come.
I’m a grown woman. I can handle consequences. My heart contracts and I clutch my chest as fear slithers its way into my veins.
I grit my teeth and roll out of bed. I am not letting fear rule me. Not anymore.
I snag Miles’s sweatshirt from the floor and put it on. It’s long enough to be a skirt on me. I stumble to the kitchen.
Miles smiles at me from his seat at the kitchen table. “Good morning, Blaze.”
“You’re up early.”
He chuckles as he stands and kisses my forehead. “Sit. I’ll make you a coffee.”
I don’t argue. If Miles wants to make me coffee, he can make me coffee.
I stare outside at the view as he prepares my drink. It’s an awesome view. The beach is visible beyond the copse of trees. Beyond the beach is the sea.
“I could sit here and stare at the water all day,” I murmur as Miles hands me a mug.
He squeezes my shoulder. “Sit for as long as you want. If I had my way, you’d never leave.”
Never leave? Does he want me to move in with him? Despite my recent decision to tell him I love him, I hold up a hand. “It’s too early for that kind of talk.”
You may now refer to me as Hazel, the big fat chicken. Or scaredy-cat. Either way is unfortunately accurate.
“It’s a good thing you’re not a surfer. You’d miss all the good waves.”
I motion to the water. “Go ahead. Knock yourself out. I have no intention of being eaten by a shark at this time of the morning.”
“But in the afternoon is okay?”
I glare at him. “You know what I meant.”
He drags my chair closer until we’re touching and kisses my nose. “You’re grumpy this morning.”
“I didn’t get much sleep. Someone…” I poke his chest, “kept me awake most of the night.”
He waggles his eyebrows. “I heard no complaints.”
And he won’t either. I’ll take being tired every morning if I can spend every night with Miles getting sweaty in the sheets.
But being tired is not why I’m grumpy. Nope. My whirling mind is to blame for any grumpiness. I can practically hear the ping pong back and forth in my mind. Tell Miles I love him. No, don’t tell him. Yes, tell him. No, don’t.
It’s enough to give anyone a migraine.
“Listen, I…,” I begin but then pause since I have no idea where I’m going with this sentence.
“You what?”
I clear my throat in an attempt to buy some time. Lie, Hazel. Lie your pants off. Shit. I’m not wearing any pants.
“I… um…” Way to sound graceful. “Never mind.”
“Nope.” Miles pinches my chin. “I want to hear what has your mind spinning out of control this morning.”
“My mind isn’t spinning out of control.”
“And there isn’t steam coming out of your ears either.”
“Fine. I—”
My phone rings and relief slams into me at the interruption.
I start to stand but Miles pushes me back down. “I’ve got it.”
He swaggers to the kitchen counter, where my phone is plugged in next to his. Huh. I don’t remember plugging in my phone. And I certainly didn’t bring my charger with me.
“I bought an extra charger for your phone in case you ever needed it,” Miles answers my unasked question as he hands me my phone.
“You bought a charger?”
He taps my phone. “Don’t you need to answer?”
I glance at the display. Major Phillips is calling. I quickly hit ignore.
Miles frowns at my phone. “Why are you getting calls from a major?”
“He’s in charge of the physical therapy unit at the VA hospital.”
“Still trying to recruit you after you told him no?”
“I didn’t tell him no.”
Miles freezes. “What?”
“I haven’t turned down his offer yet.”
He rears back. “What?”
My brow wrinkles. “Why are you confused?”
“I thought you turned down the offer from the VA hospital.”
“Why would you think I turned it down? I haven’t made up my mind yet.”
He scowls. “You’ve been lying to me.”
“Hold on. I haven’t lied to you.”
“You led me on. You made me think you were staying.” He pushes to his feet and retreats to a corner of the kitchen.
I stand and follow him. “I haven’t been lying to you.”
He lifts an eyebrow. “You haven’t? You refuse to tell me you love me.”
My heart pounds in my chest. This is not the way I intended to tell him. During an argument about whether I’m staying on the island.
“I…” I trail off. I don’t know what to say.
“This is exactly what I’m talking about. I’ve told you I love you over and over again, but you won’t say the words to me. Even though I know you feel them.”
How dare he decide how I feel! I cross my arms over my chest. “You know I feel them?”
He ignores the anger emanating from me. “I know you love me. I know you’re worried. I’ve done everything I can to prove to you I’m here to stay. But you won’t believe me.”
I want to tell him I believe him, but I’m not there yet. I’m ninety-nine percent sure. But the last one percent is holding on for dear life.
“I promise to support whatever decision you make about your job but you won’t even discuss the options with me.”
Because I need to figure this out for myself. I don’t want my decision to be based on a man. It’s bad enough I went to a local college to stay near Miles. Especially when he left my junior year for Hawaii. But not before dumping his boring high school girlfriend.
“This is my decision. It has nothing to do with you.”
He growls. “Wrong. Whatever decision you make has everything to do with me. I love you.” He pounds his chest. “I want to be wherever you are. Hell, if you want to be the physical therapist for the Antarctica mission, I’ll go with you.”
“You’d freeze your ass off and complain about it all the time.”
He cups my cheek. “But I’d be with you. Being with you is all that matters.”
I want to reach for him but I still don’t trust him. “Is it? I’m all that matters?”
“Yes, Blaze, you are all that matters.”
“And if you suddenly get an offer to coach the US surfing team in California? What then?”
He drops his hand. “Not even a remote possibility.”
“Bullshit. You’d flee the island so fast there’d be skid marks on the bridge.”
“This is what you think?” Pain flashes in his eyes. Pain I caused.
I ignore his pain and plow on. “You’ve done it before. You were in such a hurry to get to Hawaii to compete in the pro circuit, you couldn’t dump me fast enough.”
“Because I was an idiot!”
“How do I know you won’t be an idiot again?”
“I’m sorry. I never should have dumped you. I was young and dumb. And I didn’t want you to put your life on hold for me.”
I pound my chest with my fist. “It was my choice to go to college nearby. My choice to wait for you. But you stole that choice from me.”
“And now it’s my choice to stick around. To stay on the island.”
“I find that hard to believe.”
He shakes his head. “I thought you were smarter than this.”
He grabs his keys and marches toward the door.
“You’re leaving? This is why I can’t trust you. You run away whenever things get tough.”
He halts with his hands on his hips and his head bent forward. “I don’t want to leave, but I’m terrified I’ll say something stupid. Something you’ll use against me in every argument we have in the future.”
I want to tell him he’s wrong but I’d be a liar. I’m the queen of holding grudges.
“My phone is on for you night and day if you need me.”
“Where are you going? This is your house.”
“Which kind of proves I’m not running away, doesn’t it?” He doesn’t wait for me to respond before opening the door and walking out.
My heart shatters as I watch him leave. What the hell am I doing? Why am I pushing him away? I really screwed up this time. I rush to the door but he’s already driving away.
What did I do? I was so worried about Miles leaving me that I pushed him away.
But instead of ending us, he asked for time to cool down. Miles is not the boy who threw me away years ago. He’s a man trying to prove how much he cares for me. And I keep on making him jump higher fences.
No more. It’s my turn to make the jump.