Chapter 14
14
T his is not real. It’s a very vivid, strange dream. There’s no way I’m stupid enough to offer to train Grace as a submissive, and there’s no way she’d agree to that.
I couldn’t help myself when she started going on about how terrible and traumatic her first experience was. The visceral anger I felt at the damage done to her psyche by her ex-husband is still coursing through me. I wish I knew where he lived. I’d pay him back for making this breathtaking, brilliant woman feel like she’s anything less than perfection. She’d never even have to know.
God, there’s something seriously wrong with me. That’s twice tonight that I’ve wanted to murder someone for hurting her. I’m losing control. I need to figure out a way to take the offer back. I need to…
My racing thoughts go fuzzy as Grace beams at me, genuine excitement sparkling in her icy blue eyes. She’s looking at me like I offered her the world.
Fuck.
I can’t take that away from her.
Grace grins. “So, when do we start? Now?”
I almost choke on my tongue, sending myself into a coughing fit. “N-no.” I clear my throat. “Not right now. If I’m going to teach you, we need to set boundaries between the time we spend together as friends and any scenes we do.”
“Right. Don’t want to ruin our friendship.” Grace’s smile drops slightly. “No matter what happens, we’ll still be friends? I don’t want to fuck that up because I’m curious about kink and too messed up to try it with anyone else.”
This is where I should tell her it’s a bad idea.
I can’t. The words refuse to come out. The monster inside me practically sings with pleasure at the prospect of dominating Grace.
I fight to keep my fangs retracted and nod. “I promise nothing that happens between us while you’re learning will ruin our friendship.” I don’t know how the fuck I’m going to keep that promise when she’s going to be placing herself in my hands so willingly, but I have to. “It’s impossible to keep this kind of relationship completely separate, but we’ll make it work.”
Her smile falls back into place. “Hell yeah, we will.”
We sit in silence for a while, and the entire time my mind is bouncing between terror and elation. Grace squirms around on the couch, repositioning the heating pad draped over her shoulder a few times.
She notices me watching her and gives me a sheepish smile. “Sooo…. Have you watched any good shows lately?”
I don’t watch TV. She knows this. “No. You?”
“Nah. I’m waiting for the new season of In the Stars to come out. We should watch it together. You’ll love it.”
I scowl, and she laughs at my reaction. “Okay, more like you’ll love to hate it. But isn’t that the point of trashy reality shows?”
“I wouldn’t know,” I say drolly. The exasperated look I get in return makes my chest squeeze with amused affection. Teasing Grace has quickly become one of my favorite things, and she never fails to fall for the bait.
“Come on! Please? It’ll be fun.” She bats her eyelashes at me, and I struggle to keep my face placid. “Plus, if we’re going to be doing… other stuff, it’ll give us something to do that’s reserved friendship time. I bet I could convince Mona to come too.”
I do my best to ignore her mention of “other stuff” even though it makes me ache with the need to start right now. She continues to give me puppy dog eyes, and I pretend to think about it for a while. I don’t want her to know that if she asks me for something, I can’t say no.
Grace pouts. “Don’t make me beg, Blair. I’ll do it.”
God, the thought of her begging causes a spike of arousal and hunger, and I fake a frown in a poor attempt to hide my reaction. “Fine.”
“Yes! Okay, stay right there. I’m going to heat this up again and then we’re watching some of last season to prepare you.” Grace eases herself up off the couch and heads into her kitchen to put her heat pad in the microwave.
“I didn’t agree to that,” I call out to her.
She holds her hand up to her ear dramatically and shouts, “I can’t hear you”, even though the microwave isn’t loud and she’s less than 15 feet away from me.
I roll my eyes and cross my arms over my chest. Grace giggles and turns back to the microwave, her hand coming up to her neck to rub at it. When she thinks I’m not looking, some of her bubbly energy fizzles away, and I can see the discomfort and tension in her posture.
It makes me realize how good she is at masking it. Looking at her, you’d never know she’s struggling.
When she returns to the couch, she gives me a sheepish smile. “Would it be okay if I lie down while we watch the show? It feels rude to do that, but it hurts less when I’m not sitting.”
“It’s not rude to take care of yourself. You don’t have to hide your pain from me.”
She sighs. “People don’t like it when you complain or act uncomfortable.”
I return her ridiculous words with a glare, though the truth of them is far too familiar to me. “People are assholes. You don’t have to worry about that with me. You can be yourself—whatever that means at any given time.”
Her eyes grow glassy and I worry that I’ve made her cry. She swallows heavily, then gives me a weak smile. “Okay. The same goes for you, you know.”
“You don’t want me to be my true self all the time. I’m a bloodsucking monster,” I say dismissively.
“I’m not saying I want you to give into dark urges and drain all my blood,” Grace scoffs. “I’m saying that you don’t have to hide your feelings from me. They won’t scare me away.”
Yes, they will.
When she says it so earnestly, I almost believe her even knowing that she’s wrong. The urge to tell her I’m infatuated with her rise within me, but the words stick in my throat.
She’s being a good friend. She doesn’t mean those kinds of feelings.
“Thank you.”
Grace smiles at my acquiescence, then grabs the remote and turns on the television. “Let’s start with the first episode of last season, because I don’t want you to miss the fight between the Pisces guy and the Gemini dude.”
“Spoilers,” I say in a mock stern tone.
“Oops, sorry!” Grace giggles.
She settles in to watch the show, providing a running commentary that she interrupts with apologies and then attempts to be silent, only to go right back to joking or pointing things out thirty seconds later. As much as I hate to admit it, it’s fun. The show is absolute garbage, but Grace’s reactions and pithy quips are a delight. It’s even better when I let my guard down enough to attempt to joke back, because her bubbly laughter and amusement light me up inside.
We make it through three episodes before she starts to yawn, which I take as my signal to leave. I don’t want to. I’d stay here watching this awful show all night if it meant I could be around Grace.
“I should go,” I say, standing.
She lets out a groan of protest. “You don’t have to go yet! It’s still early.”
I check my phone. “It’s after midnight.” Early for me, but late for someone who has to work in the morning.
“I can watch one more. We’re at the episode where they do strip truth or dare. We can’t stop now! Don’t go.” Grace pushes herself up from where she’s nestled in on the couch and sucks in a sharp breath as she winces at the pain the movement caused.
Her pain draws me over to her side before I can stop myself. She startles at the speed of my movement, sucking in another breath. “Shit, you’re fast!”
I grimace. “Didn’t mean to startle you. I saw you in pain and wanted to help.”
“You’re sweet,” she says with a soft, slightly sleepy sigh. “Unless you have access to cybernetic spine technology or some really good pain killers, there’s not much you can do. Other than sit back down and watch one more episode with me,” she adds with a cheeky grin.
It takes a moment for me to process what she’s said, as I look down at her and get stuck on how fucking pretty she is right now, with her rumpled blonde hair and the sparkle of humor in her eyes that can’t quite disguise the pain she’s in.
“How do you feel about blood?” I ask.
“Uh, neutral?” she asks, confused by my non sequitur. “Why? Do you need some?”
This ridiculous, trusting woman extends her wrist to me in a clear offering. My fangs emerge and my senses heighten, focusing in on the thrum of her blood pumping through her veins. I make the mistake of breathing in, her sweet, tart scent slamming into me. I wasn’t hungry before, but it’s almost impossible to ignore my desire to take what she’s offering.
I press my lips together, digging my fangs into my lower lip to use the sting of pain to anchor me to sanity. “No. I can give you some of mine.”
Grace’s comical look of disgust helps snap me out of the fog of hunger. “No thanks. I’m good.” She shakes off a small shudder. “I hope that isn’t rude. It’s nice of you to offer,” she says, patting my arm while giving me a bemused look.
She must not remember how my blood was able to heal Max. Not that surprising given that was when she discovered monsters exist and I’m a vampire.
My lips twitch with a suppressed smile at her attempt to be polite. “It would help with your pain.”
“It would?” Her eyes widen. “Oh shit, I forgot about that.”
“It has healing properties. You wouldn’t need a lot for it to provide pain relief.”
I learned this trick by accident when an ex-girlfriend bit my lip while we were kissing and ingested some of my blood, then exclaimed that her cramps were gone. After that, she’d not so subtly beg me to give her some of my blood any time she was in even a little bit of discomfort. It’s one of the reasons we broke up. Not because I was against helping her, but towards the end of the relationship, I felt like I was nothing more than a means to an end for her.
I should be more careful. By giving Grace my blood, I’m placing myself right back into the same situation that made me feel used. But I hate seeing her in pain, and the foolish, hopeful part of me that I try to smother most of the time tells me she won’t treat me that way.
“I… No,” Grace says, shaking her head both in denial and like she’s trying to clear an unpleasant thought from her mind.
The rejection stings. “Why not?” I ask, before I can tamp down my reaction.
“It feels wrong.”
I flinch and I step backward, her words like a slap across the face. I’m being ridiculous, but I can’t stop the pain I feel from offering her something that could help and her refusing to take it. She doesn’t know that I don’t go around doling out my blood to anyone who wants it. She doesn’t know that it’s incredibly intimate for me to give it .
Grace grabs my wrist before I move any further away. My skin tingles at the contact. “Whoa! Not wrong, as in your blood is gross or me drinking it is objectionable. Wrong because I’m worried about what will happen if I take it and it helps.”
I furrow my brow, not understanding.
She sighs and continues. “If your blood helps, I’ll want it again. I’m worried that every time I’m in pain, I’ll ask you for it. I don’t want that… I don’t want to be a burden. I don’t want to use you.” Her thumb strokes my wrist absently as she speaks, her eyes shining with sincerity as she gazes up at me.
Her concern makes any remaining reticence I have about her using my blood vanish. “You wouldn’t be a burden,” I say, swallowing heavily and fighting the urge to pull my wrist away before I beg her to touch me more. “I’ll give you anything you need, Grace,” I add in a whisper. I don’t mean to say it aloud, but I’ve fallen under the spell of her touch and nearness.
“I’ll… Let me think about it.” Grace lets go, her voice so conflicted I can’t help wondering if she’s not just talking about using my blood.
I nod and step away. “You’re tired. I’m going to head out, but I’ll text you tomorrow night to see how you’re doing.”
She doesn’t argue. Her smile is weak when she escorts me to the door. I think I’ve royally fucked things up with our friendship, but then she reaches out and pulls me into a hug.
I stiffen in shock as her sinfully soft, warm body presses into mine. I blink up at her in surprise, and she lets out a chuckle before releasing me far too soon. “Thanks for coming over, and for your offer. Both of your offers. They mean so much to me.”
I stare up at her in a daze, head swimming from her embrace. “Of course.”
When I get back home, I head back out into the garden and pray for the strength to follow through with my agreement with Grace without ruining what we already have or giving in to my monstrous side.