Chapter 41
41
F uck, I’ve missed her so much.
My heart hammers in my undead chest at her proximity, her scent wrapping around me like a welcoming hug, reminding me how utterly idiotic I’ve been. That Grace is my home and trying to give that up was as futile as trying to stop the sun from rising each day.
It takes all of my willpower to not reach out to her and fold her into my arms. To steal her away from the succubus, who is so obvious in her desire for Grace that it makes me want to paint the walls with her blood.
“What do you mean, you’re here for me?” Grace snaps, wrapping her arms around herself like she’s trying to protect herself from more damage I might inflict.
All the thoughts I had about how to approach my apology fly out of my head now that I’m actually standing before Grace. Every beseeching word, every explanation for my behavior, is gone and I’m left scrambling to say something before I ruin any chance I have.
“I’ll turn you,” I blurt.
Grace’s delicate golden brows shoot up to her hairline. “What?”
“I’ll turn you. If that’s what you want, I’ll do it. I don’t want to make you a vampire because it makes me sick to condemn you—the most brilliant, amazing person I’ve ever met—to an eternity of darkness. But if it means I can call you mine again, I’ll do it with a fucking smile on my face. Even if you decide afterwards that you want something besides me.”
A frown twists Grace’s lips, the pain and anger I’ve caused carved into her expression. I want to smooth out the wrinkles on her furrowed brow and use my mouth on hers to apologize in a way I’m clearly not capable of doing with words.
“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me. I don’t want to be a vampire! I only said I’d do it so we could be together. I don’t care about anything but being with you. Not what your blood can provide, not the power you could give me, not even the kink or the pleasure. I just wanted you .” Grace wipes at the water forming in her eyes and sniffs angrily. “You crushed me, Blair. You ruined me for anyone else. I’m sitting here with a goddamn succubus and all I can think about is how she’s not you. How I never should’ve let myself fall in love with you.”
I open my mouth to reply, but she keeps barreling forward, her anger gaining momentum. “And you couldn’t even be bothered to leave a fucking note with the blood you dropped off. Like I’m an obligation, not the woman you said you’d give everything to. Hell, even if I was just your submissive and not your lover, I deserved better.” She swipes at her tears, a streak of dark eyeliner smudging the back of her hand. “I deserved better,” she says again, more softly.
My heart aches for her. I want to lay myself at her feet and beg for forgiveness.
So I do.
Kneeling at Grace’s feet, I look up into her shocked eyes and hold them, begging her to see the sincerity of what I’m about to say. Someone nearby gasps, no doubt drawn by our raised voices and the sight of Mistress Bella on her knees. I don’t give a shit about what they think. Grace is the only person who matters.
“You deserve everything, Grace. I thought you wouldn’t want to hear from me, which is why I didn’t leave a note. What was I supposed to say? ‘I’m sorry I’m a coward and a monster, here’s some blood?’”
Grace huffs out a humorless laugh. “That would’ve been better than nothing!”
“I know that now. I’m sorry.”
Her lips flatten out into a line, and I continue before she tells me to stop. I have to tell her what she means to me, even if spilling it all out at her feet ends in her saying it’s not enough.
“I’m flawed, Grace. I’ve spent all of my life and most of my undeath fighting for a semblance of control. I thought I’d finally found it, and then I met you and none of it mattered because you made me feel things I’d locked away so I wouldn’t get hurt again.” I clasp my hands tightly behind my back so I won’t reach out and touch her. “And just when I let myself give into those feelings, someone visited me. Someone much older with more experience being immortal. I shouldn’t have listened to them, but they terrified me with the reminder of how painful the difference in our life spans will be. I let that fear control me, let myself be selfish enough to think that I could cut my losses before my love for you became inescapable.”
“Well, congratulations, you got what you wanted,” Grace says, shrinking back away from me.
“No,” I say, a choked sound erupting from me at how wrong she is. “There is no escaping my feelings for you, Grace. I started loving you the moment we met. Knowing you, being trusted with the real you, not the curated facade you let the rest of the world see, was more than I could’ve ever dreamed of experiencing. I feel the love for you in the core of my being and trying to reject that was more ruinous than being turned.”
Tears slide down my cheeks, but I don’t bother wiping them away. I’m shaking as I cast my eyes down, bowing my head before her. “I’m yours, Grace. Entirely yours to command. Give me whatever order you see fit and I’ll follow.”
“Wow.” I turn my head and glare at the succubus gawking at me and Grace. She flinches under my attention, then slaps her hands on her thighs and stands. “I’m gonna go, uh…find somewhere else to be. Unless you need me to stay,” she says to Grace, who silently shakes her head. “Right. Who wants to show off for a succubus?” she calls out to the small group of onlookers, expertly drawing them away from me and Grace.
There’s a long stretch of silence between us as I wait for a response. When I can’t stand it any longer, I risk looking up into Grace’s eyes. Her expression is a storm of emotions—anger, fear, pain, and hope all flashing across her face like lightning.
“What if I order you to leave me alone? What if I can’t accept what you’ve done?” she asks, scanning my face in search of something.
I can only hope that I show her what she wants as I reply. Please let it be enough. Let me be enough. “If that’s what you want, I’ll go.” Grace’s brow’s raise and I swallow down the lump in my throat. “I don’t know if I can promise I’ll be able to stay away, but if you ask for that, I’ll do my best to listen.”
“What if I order you to stay on your knees and grovel the rest of the night? What if I make you my submissive, who only gets to move or act when I allow it?” Grace asks. Her expression is closed off now, and I can’t tell if she’s serious or not, but I don’t care. I would walk out into the rising sun for her.
“Done.”
“Really?” Grace scoffs, eyes scanning the room before narrowing back at me. “That seems bad for your professional reputation.”
“Fuck my reputation. Submitting to the woman I love would be an honor.”
Grace’s eyes fill again at my mention of love, and this time I can’t stop from reaching out to take her hand between mine as I look up into her breathtaking, beautiful face. “I love you. I won’t hide from it again. However you need me to prove that to you, I will. Nothing else matters.”
Her lip wobbles and tears spill down her cheeks, but she doesn’t pull away. “What if I just want you to hold me?”
My heart leaps in my chest and I surge up to wrap my arms around her, gathering her against my chest. Grace sinks against me, burrowing her face into my shoulder as her breath shudders out, tears wetting my skin.
“I’m s-so mad at you,” she says between shaking breaths.
I hold her tighter. “I know. I’m sorry.”
There’s nothing else to say. My heart is in her hands. I haven’t believed in God or higher power since the night I was turned, but at this moment, I pray harder than I ever did when I was begging God to make me the daughter my parents wanted .
“You can’t do this to me e-ever again,” Grace whispers, the hurt in her voice like a knife in my stomach.
“I won’t.” It’s a promise I don’t have the right to expect her to trust, but I say it all the same.
She shudders, tension bleeding out of her warm, soft, perfect form as she lets me hold her. I want to resist when she finally pulls back, wiping at her face and gazing at me with longing and worry in her eyes.
“I get why you’re scared,” she says softly, then sighs, her breath catching slightly. “Fuck, when I wasn’t bawling my eyes out because you broke my heart, I was sobbing because the thought of you being alone and in pain was devastating. You’ve been hurt so many times. I don’t want to be the one that hurts you again. If being with me will…” Grace’s eyes grow watery again, and she swallows heavily. “If I’m only making things worse for you in the long run?—”
“No.” I shake my head adamantly, reaching out to cup her cheek. A heavy teardrop falls from her wet lashes and I wipe it away with my thumb, locking eyes with her. “ No , Grace.”
“Are you sure?” The concern in her shining eyes makes my chest ache. She’s looking at me like she’d do anything to keep me from being in pain again, despite how upset I made her.
My love for this compassionate, incredible woman threatens to overwhelm me. I nod, fighting back tears. “Avoiding grief isn’t worth missing a life with you. I’m still terrified, but I refuse to let fear control me again.”
Before I can stop myself, instinct kicks in and I’m kissing Grace with everything I have. She inhales sharply and I go to pull back, thinking I’ve gone too far, but then she’s grabbing my head and kissing me back, hard and desperate. My hands rove her body, needing to remap every swell and dip of her form. Her arms, back, breasts, stomach, and hips. Everything I can reach in our tangled position as her tongue slides against mine and she lets out little breathy sounds of need.
When she pulls back to catch her breath, her cheeks and chest are flushed the same pink as her dress. Even with the tear tracks and smeared lipstick from our kiss, she’s stunning. “Take me home,” Grace whispers.
“Are you sure?” I ask. “I don’t expect you to go back to the way things were right away. I’ll wait as long as you need.”
She shakes her head. “No, I’m not sure. I’m scared and hurt. But I’m so tired of being sad, Blair. I know you are, too. Please. Take me home.”
When we get to the intersection where we’d turn one way to go to my condo and the other to go to Blair’s place, Blair hesitates at the stop sign.
“I’m taking you to my house,” she says, and while it’s not a question, I can tell it’s her way of letting me correct her.
“Yes,” I confirm.
Maybe it’d be better for Blair to bring me back to my place. I shouldn’t let her back into my life right away. It’s reckless. But I’m scared that if I let her drop me off at home, I’ll wake up and this will all have been a cruel dream.
She nods, reaching out to grip my thigh as she looks back at the road. Her hand is shaking and I place mine atop hers to help steady her.
“I don’t want you to go home,” she says, still looking forward .
“We’re going to your place,” I say, confused.
“I mean when the sun rises. Please stay.” Her voice trembles. “I know I have no right to ask you that, but?—”
“Okay.” I swallow the surge of emotion that threatens to choke me when I hear the fear and vulnerability in her request. “I’ll stay.”
Blair squeezes my thigh, then flips her palm up to thread her fingers through mine. “Thank you.”
Neither one of us says anything for the rest of the drive, and though my thoughts race, the most important thing I keep coming back to is the anchor of her hand in mine. In the past, I would’ve worried that my palm was too sweaty and unpleasant, or if she was having a hard time driving with one hand, but now all that matters is that I’m touching her. That she’s real, and she’s squeezing me back as tightly as I am, like she can’t bear the thought of letting go.
When Blair pulls into her driveway and cuts the engine, I give her hand a reluctant squeeze before releasing it. She gets out of the car, using her supernatural speed to round to the passenger side by the time I’ve opened my door, and proffer a hand.
I take it, letting her steady me as I step out, but I still stumble forward on my shaky legs. She wraps her arm around my waist, bracing me against her smaller frame. We stare at each other for a heartbeat, neither one of us willing to move.
Blair clears her throat and steps back. “I’m sorry. I’m having a hard time not touching you,” she admits softly.
“Who said you have to stop?” I ask, closing the gap she made and pushing a strand of hair out of her face to tuck it behind her ear.
Her eyes close and she releases a shuddering breath before opening them to look up at me, her sad eyes glowing red in the moonlight. “I know you’re mad, and it will take time to forgive me. The monster in me doesn’t understand that. It only knows you’re nearby and keeps screaming at me to hold you. ”
Something about her phrasing makes me smile. For all that she hates her vampiric nature, and calls it her monster, it doesn’t sound that bad. “Such a mean, scary vampire, having a hard time controlling your need for hugs. Or is there more that it wants?”
Blair licks her lips, her eyes darting to my neck for a split second, where my pulse hammers in anticipation of what she might say. “Yes. There’s more,” she rasps.
“I shouldn’t forgive you so easily. I should make you wait,” I say, lowering my mouth so my lips ghost against hers.
“I’ll wait as long as you need,” she murmurs against mouth.
“What if I need you now?” I ask, lowering my mouth to her neck. She tilts her head to the side, offering me better access, and I scrape my teeth against her silky skin.
“Fuck,” she hisses. “Anything you need, it’s yours. I’m yours.”
“Then take me inside,” I say, kissing her neck.
“Yes,” she breathes.
“Bring me to your bedroom and undress me.” I press another kiss to her jaw.
“Yes.”
“Take control so we can both forget the pain,” I whisper, then mold my lips to hers.
Blair grips my hip to hold herself steady through the kiss, fingers sinking into my flesh hard enough to leave a bruise. “Yes,” she growls, before claiming my mouth again.
We stumble inside, Blair cursing each time she has to pull away to keep us from crashing into a wall or lamp. When we reach the stairs down to her basement, she hesitates.
“Give me five minutes?” she asks.
“Need to hide the bodies?”
Blair laughs, low and throaty. “No. But I wanted the first time you slept over to be special, so let me go make my bed and light some candles, okay?”
My heart flutters, then squeezes painfully as I remember the hopes I had for our first full night together as well. I swallow down the lump rising in my throat. “Okay.”
“I love you,” she says softly, like she knows exactly what I’m thinking. “I’m sorry I ruined it that night.”
I shake my head, even as a tear slides down my cheek. It hurts that things didn’t go as planned, but I don’t want to dwell on it. “We’re here now. Let’s focus on that.”