Chapter 14 – A Waystation Awaits
Leaving was less dramatic that I'd feared it would be, although my chest was tight the whole time anyway, like my body knew it was the last time things would ever be this simple and this good.
I woke up; I showered and ate; I ran my clothes through the cleaner; I kissed Araxis maybe a hundred times; I sat my bag on my bed and packed only the things I needed.
I spent a long time staring at the jacket he'd loaned me, and ended up leaving it folded on my bed with my wristband. Maybe I'd get it back one day. I hoped I would.
He found me there, looking morose over a piece of his clothing like a real fucking loser. His face was carefully blank, empty.
"The kids said it smells like you," I supplied, scuffing my boot. "So I thought it would be pretty stupid to pack it."
He must have seen something in my face, because he moved to stand across from me.
"Wait a moment," he said, and then he lifted his hands to his crest. His quills rustled softly as his fingers ran along his scalp, gentle, and then in a sharp tug – with a short hiss of pain – he pulled a quill free.
"Here," he murmured, pressing it into my hand.
"If you tuck this into a seam, no one will know it's there. "
For some reason, holding that single quill, about as long as my forearm, made my throat tight and hot, pressure prickling up behind my eyes, so I just nodded silently, rolled it into one of my shirts in my bag, and walked away as fast as my two little feet would take me.
I don't know exactly what I was thinking: Araxis was the one piloting me to the waystation off of Thenat-2, so it wasn't like I could get away from him. I just needed a little space to swallow down the lump forming in my throat.
I made it about six steps onto the second deck before Talvi materialized at my side, reaching up to grab at the hem of my sweater with their small hand. "Don't go," they whined, a sharp, keening subvocalization bright under the words. "You can stay with me. We could go hide, Sashen."
I hated this. I hated it. This is why I hadn't said goodbye at the den, except…
was I certain anyone would really have cared?
Sure, I'd prepped messages for each of them.
How many replies would be waiting? Any? Khrelen missed me, at least I was sure of that, but would anyone else care?
Devala might grouse about the glittery blue marker I hadn't returned.
Farat Nel would promise to pray to the ancestors for me.
Besel would complain that I hadn't told them my bunk would be free.
Would they watch me in the Tournament? Would they make bets against me?
"I can't stay, Talvi," I said, voice hoarse. "Come here." I bent down and scooped them up, shifting their little body so that they could curl up against my chest as I carried them along with me toward the stairs to the cargo bay.
This close, I could hear the distressed whine more clearly, nearly shrill. Their hand grabbed my sweater, hard.
"It's going to be okay," I said. "Your Araxis and I have some work to do, but we'll take care of each other."
"And then you'll come back." Talvi's braided crest prickled against my neck, their words mumbled into my shoulder.
Would I? I didn't want to lie. These kids had been through enough, but I didn't want to scare them either.
"I will always be your friend, no matter what," I insisted, hiking them up before I took the stairs.
My arm ached, and their legs jostled awkwardly against the sheath for my swords, the hilts jutting out over my other shoulder – but it wasn't like we had far to go.
Talvi sniffled wetly against my shoulder. "Is it scary, being virra?" The words were quiet, and sounded hollow. Frightened.
I frowned, glad they couldn't see my face. Talvi squirmed a little as I carried them down the stairs, held tight against me. "Why?"
"Because everyone wants to take you." Their grip tightened, the back of my collar biting into my neck as they held me, desperate. "I don't want anyone to take me. I don't want to be virra."
We reached the broad doors into the cargo bay, and I crouched, setting Talvi carefully on the ground.
They whined a bit, grabbing at me, and finally slid on to their own feet.
I stayed crouching, looking into their black eyes, which were glossy with tears – tears that, as I knelt down before them, spilled over their eyelids and began tracking down their little cheeks.
"I'm going to tell you something," I said carefully, reaching to wipe away a silvery tear with my thumb. "And it's really important. Are you ready to listen?"
Their chin was trembling, but Talvi nodded.
"Alright. You are in charge of who you are.
You're the leader for yourself. So if you don't want to be virra, you don't have to be: you get to decide.
And if you are virra, and you want to be, no one is allowed to take you.
Because you get to decide who you are and where you go.
And if anyone ever gives you any trouble, Talvi of Creche Thiel, you tell me and I'll –" I didn't want to say stab them and then stomp on their throat, although I thought it.
"I'll make them go away, forever. I can be very scary.
" I waggled my eyebrows and bared my teeth, and that seemed to work because Talvi trilled, although the sound was wet and thick with tears.
Quiet footsteps sounded on the metal grating of the stairs behind me, and I wasn't surprised to see Araxis stepping down.
Talvi scrubbed at their face with the back of one wrist, ducking their head in embarrassment.
Araxis brushed past us, touching Talvi's shoulder briefly.
"Go on," he murmured. "You know you can't be down here when the shuttle leaves. "
I stood, slinging my pack over my shoulder again and followed him past Talvi and into the dim cargo bay beyond.
I didn't look back. I couldn't stand it.
I knew the child had gone when I heard the cargo bay doors hiss shut, and then the low thudding sound of the autolock engaging.
We tracked silently through the dingy space, back to the airlock where the shuttle was docked.
Araxis fussed at a blinking information panel for a few moments, and then the pressurization system whirred to life, metal screeching and squealing.
I winced, and he glanced at me. "It does work," Araxis said, mild. "Usually. We've only vented the cargo bay by accident twice." But the glint in his dark eyes told me he was joking, or at least he wasn't worried about these particular mechanical whines and groans.
"Yeah, and on purpose once or twice?"
He trilled while the lights in the airlock flickered, unsteady. "Yes, to make a debris field and throw off our pursuers."
"I think I've seen that film. Did you also blow up a moon, and then fake-marry a paledrian harem?"
His eyelashes fluttered. "Don't fret, Sashen. I have since had our marriage annulled. You will not need to battle six paledrian brides for my honour."
I snorted. Just when I thought he couldn't get any cuter…
"And here I was, thinking that I might just join your space pirate harem," I drawled. "Splitting dinner rotation and clean-up chores seven ways? A man can dream."
The lights on the panel brightened to an opalescent blue, and Araxis twisted the wheel to open the airlock door, careful to lock it behind us again.
Had it only been two weeks since we'd been on this shuttle, I wondered as I stepped inside and tossed my bag and swords on the bank of seats at the back.
I dropped into the teal seat next to Araxis while he called up the bright screens.
The airlock beyond the shuttle door starting hissing, its lights flickering unsteadily as the lock depressurized again and the shuttle prepared to launch.
I kept quiet while he finished the flight check and pulled us carefully away from the ship.
We were anchored outside the rings of a gas giant, an obscure little corner of an otherwise busy system, so Araxis was serious and focused while he nudged us through the dense field of rocks and ice, finally breaking free of the ring and setting us on a course toward the orbital waystation at Thenat-2.
He took a moment to plug in another chip Vivith had prepared, this one to give the shuttle a different docking signature.
That had been how they'd avoided detection for so long, Araxis had explained the day before.
Their shuttle was nondescript, and that made it easy to spoof registration data and ports of call – for short stays anyway.
At least if Vivith was going to make the creche's life difficult, they were a good hand at tech trickery. I admitted, begrudgingly and to myself only, that I probably could have learned a thing or two from them if they weren't so busy sneering at me.
"So," I said after he had finished his tasks, hands drifting away from the console and into his lap. "This is it, huh?"
I watched his profile, so I saw the line of tension firm his angular jaw. "Should we review our timeline again?" Araxis suggested without looking at me.
I reached my arms over my head and stretched against the chair with a long sigh. "I don't think so. We know it."
His head tilted in my direction, eyes narrowing in thought. His fingers drummed against his thighs. "We have some time. Did you want to –"
"Don't," I warned. "If you make the suggestion, I'm going to say yes, and I really don't want to be wandering around a waystation asking for a ride with a hard-on. I think that sends the wrong message."
He trilled and shrugged gracefully with one shoulder. "It was worth a try."
"And you'd better not make eyes at me when we see each other on Thenat-6. I'm weak. Who knows what I might be compelled to do?"