Chapter 23 – Dead-End #2
My own answers at the panel were pretty spartan: yes, I planned to yield; no, I didn't want to kill anyone, but I sure would if they came at me; thanks to the clients who'd come to see me dance over the years and to Alet Trident for giving me a chance; thanks to my ketaari handler who'd helped me here at the village.
And, just because I might as well, I added that I was grateful to Grigor Spade in a way, because being afraid of him had finally given me the courage to kiss Araxis.
The crowd had tittered a little at the word kiss – by then, everyone had heard the extended cut of our hook-up down in the shuttle, so they were well aware that we were way past kissing – before moving on to the next set of questions for the feathered auvril at the other end of the table.
Next to me on the panel, Araxis remained unaffected, poised and pale, but his hand touched mine under the table briefly, so I knew he'd liked that.
It was when I had to step into the little dark booth to film my goodbye message that the gravity of what I was doing hit me yet again.
I was pretty good at not thinking about it most of the time.
We had a plan, Araxis and I. We had multiple plans.
Vivith had helped make them, and they were so brilliant that they made everyone else's lives difficult just by existing in close enough proximity.
That was the kind of genius you wanted on your side.
But I knew, as the director prompted me to speak my final words into the camera, that I could actually die tomorrow.
And then what? Then I'd be nothing but dust and a memory, and a lot of residuals for Silver Sea to claim. I was sure Talvi would remember me, and Adrathi and Sadin too. And that was good. That was… really good.
Despite myself, my eyes stung with tears as I squared myself and looked into the camera. I cleared my throat, taking a long, deep breath.
"I've never been afraid of dying," I said, looking into the blank lens of the camera.
Soft lights were glowing behind the camera, casting me in purples and pinks and creamy yellows.
Romantic and warm. I smiled, despite the tears prickling at the corners of my eyes.
"When I grew up on Seraphim, they told us that our lives didn't matter, except in how we could be of use to the Shepherds, and because our mortal lives determined what happened to us for eternity.
So it wasn't dying I was afraid of: it was what would come after, because I knew, deep down in my heart, that if what they said was true, I was bound for somewhere awful, just because of who I am. "
My teeth chewed on the inside of my lip for a moment and I looked away, blinking rapidly to clear away the tears.
When I looked back up, I couldn't see Nay'li's face, just the outline of her lanky body behind the camera, and others standing further back as well.
"I'm not afraid of dying because I think I've done a good job of living.
And when I die, I'm not going anywhere bad: I'll be dust in the cosmos, unimportant, drifting on the currents and eddies that curl through the galaxy.
It will happen one day, no matter what, and I'd rather go out on my terms. It's not…
the freedom, so much, that I want. It's to be free from the shame and fear I grew up with.
If my child self could see me now, I think he'd be amazed.
" Imagining myself as a child made me think, of course, of the children of Creche Thiel – and if I did die out there, I wanted to soften the blow.
So I added, throat tight, "Maybe some day other kids will see that even though I had a hard start, I set my own path and followed it with my head held high.
I got to decide who I am and what I want, and I'm…
proud of what I've done and who I've become.
Yeah, I guess I am proud. No matter what. "
I fell silent, and Nay'li waved me along.
As I slid out of the booth, I felt a hand clasp around my forearm.
I jerked, glancing behind me, my vision a bit blurry with tears, and saw Araxis.
He tugged me off to the side and took my face in both of his hands.
"You should be proud," he said, firm. His thumb ran across the skin beneath my lower eyelid, gentle.
"I am proud to know you, Sashen Solar." And then he pressed the softest kiss against my mouth before releasing me and following after his purple ketaari handler as she tapped her wristband impatiently.
Silver Sea found me a few moments later, once I'd finished scrubbing my face with one of my sleeves.
She led me to my fitting for the arena, which was really pulling on some base layers and then being strapped into some thin and flexible armour.
It wasn't enough to stop a blade, but it did deflect any poorly aimed blows and so prolonged the conflict.
It felt very similar to wearing a slightly stiff sweater, and the team had me run a few laps of the room with it on.
They even gave me blunted practice blades so I could run through a few sequences; they stopped me a couple of times to tweak the fit so that, by the time they were done, it really felt as though I were wearing just my base layer and nothing else.
All the while, Silver Sea sat off on the side, flicking furiously through documents that flashed up from her wristband.
Once, she vanished from the room entirely, and when she came back, I saw that her eyes were milky, her second lids extended in surprise before they clicked back into place.
My gear was stowed and the armour team sent me on my way, so I sidled up to Silver Sea and glanced at the document she had glowing in front of her. It looked like a legal contract of some sort. "Are you okay?" I asked.
She stood and tipped her head to indicate I should follow, leading me out of this smaller staging ground and toward a low, square building I was unfamiliar with about halfway between the village and the media centre.
Beyond us, the arena towered over the complex, casting deep shadows across the sandy ground; I could feel it looming, an almost physical weight pressing at the edges of my peripheral vision and my consciousness.
I suppressed a shiver and tried not to look at it. Tomorrow, it would be filled with screaming spectators, massive hovering screens spinning around the open mouth and filled with images of panic and violence. Hopefully, I'd only be part of the panic, and I'd get to skip entirely over the violence.
"Isn't the tea ceremony starting soon?" I asked, still following Silver Sea's back, her robes fluttering behind her. She was being strangely silent, except for the jingling of her charms. I tapped at my wristband. We didn't have long for this detour, or we'd be late.
"I will make excuses," she said. "There is a meeting you must attend."
My eyebrows shot up, and I jogged to catch up to her. "Wait, another meeting? I thought –"
"I have received information that is of significance to you.
" Her mouth was pinched, drawn tight, and it looked like some of the colour had actually drained from her skin, which I didn't know was even possible.
"Come with me." She approached a low side door leading into the squat building and bustled inside.
I was a half-step behind, so it took me only a second to recognize who was sitting in the room, lying in wait.
Three low chairs sat around a round table, where a bowl of fruit was laid out, untouched. Sitting in one of the chairs was Adelaithe, the journalist from The Good News, her round, cheerful face angled toward us as we approached.
I stopped in the arched doorway as Silver Sea continued in and took a seat, her movements uncharacteristically stiff. "I said I didn't want to meet with Seraphim," I said accusingly.
Adelaithe beamed up at me and waved one pale hand. "We completely understand. But your ketaari friend here agrees that this is pretty important information for you to have, Alikander, before you hit those arena sands."
I looked at Silver Sea, whose mouth was a long, flat line. When our gazes met, she gave me the tiniest nod, her stare golden and sharp.
Whatever it was, she thought it was important…
and it had rattled her. I didn't believe she'd throw me to the wolves without a good reason.
I glanced back at Adelaithe, scowling. "You'd better not try to kidnap me," I said testily, pacing forward into the room and nudging the remaining chair away from the table so that I had more distance.
I might not be particularly good at fighting, but surely I could throw this woman off if she made a grab for me.
"We would never," Adelaithe insisted. "But what we would do is file an official claim for loss of credits due to deliberate damage to our corporate reputation.
You'll find that our claim has been approved by the Central Primus Economic Forum.
Here, I brought it on paper. I'm a bit old fashioned that way.
" She reached into a bag near her feet, drawing out of a sheaf of papers, which she slid across the table.
"I've gone ahead and highlighted the important bits for you, Alikander.
I've seen your scores in math, so I know the numbers can get a bit tricky for you. "
I reached forward, staring blankly at the sheets before me, and pulled them into my lap.
They rustled softly as I paged through them, my stare jumping between highlighted numbers.
With each new line, feeling left my limbs until, by the time I stared down at the final page, I was certain I’d begun hovering somewhere over my body, drifting away on violent cosmic winds.