Chapter 8
Blast Radius
The door to our bedroom slammed open, and I jolted awake. "Get up," hissed a voice. Vivith. I squinted, pulse pounding in my throat, taking in their angular form in the doorway.
My mouth went dry. I shoved myself up. Vivith was nothing more than a shadow before me, angular and tense, refusing to step into the room.
Had something happened to Araxis on the ship? On the way back? "Is Araxis –"
"Oh, he will have many words for you, I am certain," Vivith snarled. "Get up, Sashen. Put on clothes. Wait in the meeting room. I will address you shortly." And then the door slammed shut, so violently it felt like the whole wall rattled.
I sucked in a hard breath, head spinning, and a sudden shiver made my body convulse, an echo of a long time ago, too much feeling for my limbs and muscles to contain. This wasn't twelve years ago, I thought frantically. I wasn't being dragged out of bed to be held to account. I wasn't; I wasn't.
But I was in trouble. I gasped in another breath, fingers tangling in my hair, and I tried desperately to think – to have my thoughts cut through the sharp and jagged currents of terror coursing through my body.
Was this because of the fines yesterday?
Or – or was it because somehow, they'd figured out what I'd been doing for Perseus?
Had Vivith turned something up? What did they know?
And if Vivith knew – if they knew I'd been sharing information with a foreign political entity – then Araxis would know and –
And.
My throat was gummy and tight. I flicked on my wristband, stumbling out of bed and into the hygiene room to splash water on my face, dazed. Being hauled in for a meeting with Vivith. Might end up needing that ripcord sooner rather than later, I wrote frantically. I could be wrong. I hope I'm wrong.
I was partway through brushing my teeth when Val's response flared up.
Don't panic! If I don't hear from you again soon, I'll assume the worst and we'll get you out.
But these things often feel more ominous than they are.
I promise no one's going to whisk you away to a tribunal in Xitera.
Even if they did, I've broken a few people out of prison before.
That didn't make me feel any better. Could they really send me to an abayan work camp I'd need to be broken out of?
Or was Valerie just being dramatic? I looked at myself in the mirror, pale and washed out, my eyes bloodshot from another night of awful sleep.
I deleted Val's messages. I forced myself to get dressed, tugging on clothes without really looking.
My skin was over-sensitive, every brush of fabric like sandpaper against my skin.
I took a moment, there in the closet, to close my eyes and allow myself to shiver, the adrenaline so intense that it had to come out somehow.
Alright, I told myself, sucking in a long, deep breath before forcing it out through my nose. You're an adult. Vivith isn't a Shepherd. And if you've really fucked up – if they know – then Valerie will get you out.
And I'd never see Araxis again.
It was one of those thoughts I couldn't hold. I had to let it go, release it like a cloud of dust on cosmic winds. But my whole body was tight, as if flinching ahead of a blow, my thoughts spinning wild and untethered around me. I couldn't talk to them like this. I couldn't.
Five.
I was here, on Sozamia, and it was Vivith who was furious at me, who was dragging me out of bed while anger crackled through the air.
Vivith hated me; that wasn't new. They hated me and didn't trust me and thought I was corrupting Araxis in some way.
That I was a bad influence. They could join the long line of people in my life who'd thought that.
Four.
Araxis wasn't even here yet. He wouldn't let Vivith speak to me like that. He'd never speak to me like that, no matter what.
Three.
Probably it was the fines. And, honestly, I'd do that all over again. How could I not? If I was able to help, then of course I had to.
Two.
If it was the spying, then I had a way out.
And, sure, Araxis might hate me – I mean, he'd have to – but I thought he'd understand when I explained my reason.
And I wasn't sharing anything bad: it wasn't like I was trying to hurt anyone.
I was sharing worksheets, for fuck's sake, and maybe a little gossip that could help with trade.
It wasn't like state secrets. It wasn't the kind of stuff that threatened lives or hurt anyone. It was nothing.
One.
I had the right to take care of myself, especially after what had happened. I was responsible for myself. And while I did want to give this thing a try – I really thought I did – I wouldn't do it at the cost of my own well-being or safety. I wasn't going to cut off an escape route.
I'd learned that much.
Alright.
I opened my eyes, straightened my shoulders, and forcibly shrugged on an unaffected demeanour. And then I let myself into the meeting room and sat down, waiting for Vivith to arrive and for the complete picture to reveal itself.
They left me on my own for ages, which had to be some sort of strategy.
Why else wake me up at – I'd checked – too early in the morning, demand I get ready for a meeting, and then vanish?
But I was good and made myself sit in the familiar meeting room, ignoring how my stomach growled and pretending like I wouldn't murder someone for a cup of tea.
I wondered if I should write something to Araxis – but what could I say if I didn't know what this was about? Maybe sorry, depending?
Finally, after long enough that any of the calm I'd forcibly scraped together had started to disintegrate, strand by strand, the door into the hallway opened and Vivith entered. They had a tray of tea, which they set on the table before taking a seat across from me.
Ah, so we were sitting confrontationally.
I waited as Vivith, pointedly ignoring me, reached for the teapot and poured two cups. They took one and placed it in front of their seat and then folded their hands pointedly into their lap, black stare flicking up to watch me.
We were also doing tea confrontationally. I knew enough to understand that expecting someone to pick up their own cup after it had been poured was tantamount to insulting the hatchery they'd been grown in.
Thankfully, I had thick skin.
"Thanks for the tea," I said with an earnestness I'd gotten good at faking at Alet Trident's. I reached and scooped up the cup, taking a sip and pretending that the insult was entirely lost on me.
I watched Vivith watching me, their eyes flaring as they studied me, as if they'd be able to read something vital and revealing on my features.
Any time I felt the urge to start talking – I don't do awkward silences well – I made myself take another sip of tea.
Then, as my tea was growing worryingly scant, I gently bit the tip of my tongue, forcibly holding myself in place.
Finally, Vivith straightened from their usual curled-inward posture. They inhaled, deep, and set both hands flat on the table before them. "You have put us in a perilous position."
I said nothing, only working the flesh of my tongue a little more firmly between my teeth.
"You act as if your actions do not impact this creche," said Vivith, their voice low. "You wish to have the benefits and protections of belonging to Creche Thiel with none of the responsibilities. You wish to bank the fire and dance in its light. It means –"
I lost the battle with my tongue. "I know what it means," I said, the melodic words flattened by irritation and my human mouth.
"I am certain you believe you know many things. And yet I am left to wonder: how much of what you do is ignorance, hm? How much of it is deliberate? You have my hatch-mate fooled, of that I am certain – but you have not fooled me, Sashen Solar. I know what you are."
My heart stuttered in my chest, but I kept my face perfectly blank. "And what am I?" I asked, unwilling to back down as Vivith glared daggers at me.
Their fingers flexed on the table. Their eyes widened. The subvocal humming from their throat was like the edge of a bloodied knife, deadly and sharp. "You are self-interested and manipulative. You are poison. You are wicked."
The abayan word hit me like a blade pressed to an open wound.
Even in their language, it had the same connotation it did in my first language.
Hearing it made something twist hard beneath my ribs, a pain so familiar it was almost welcome.
Let not the wicked find shelter at your hearth.
How many times had I heard that in the place that was supposed to be home?
I swallowed hard, forcing my chin to rise, just slightly. I said nothing.
"Yarix News was the first of the home system broadcasters to reach out for comment, but they have not been the last. As they are a Creche Hanalthi affiliate, and Creche Hanalthi is invested heavily in the station guard on Sozamia, of course they would catch wind of your – your brazen actions.
I have taken the liberty of translating their article for you so that you might begin to understand the scope of what you have done.
" They stabbed a finger at their wristband, and my own beeped as it received the file.
I pulled it up, skimming the text and glancing through the pictures.
There was a photo of Araxis and me at the victory ceremony at the Tournament; another of the cultural centre in Radiant Ward; there was a grainy photograph of a pale abaya with an unbound crest – the leader of the Unbound who'd been speaking and who had, the caption informed me, evaded capture yet again; there was another as well of the marn officer who I'd been speaking with.
It looked like he was quoted. I tapped the little icon to the corner, and a video clip played.