Chapter 9
From the Jump
Vivith was gone. It is, I can admit, pretty embarrassing that it took me two days to realize that; then again, we were good at avoiding each other at the best of times, and it was decidedly not the best of times from the perspective of 'virra to cinelaat' relations.
After our fourth meeting without Vivith in attendance, I finally clued in to the fact that their absence was conspicuous.
"So – Vivith is somewhere else?" I asked after a very tense meeting with an entinn from Creche Arvas, who had been slightly more amenable to Araxis's argument that we didn't need to be aligned in politics to still work together after I'd done my level best to act like the universe's biggest airhead who sometimes made very silly decisions, which my sinnenthi – strong and protective – indulged because he loved me very much.
"Yes," said Araxis, standing at his permanent post in front of the display in our room, black eyes taking in lines of text from what looked like a series of legal documents.
He was holding a datapad as well, making rapid-fire notes, but he clipped the stylus to the top and looked at me as I shrugged out of my gauzy top and into my usual worn and slightly dishevelled clothes for my trek down to Radiant Ward.
"I thought it would be prudent to give us all some…
space. They're still on Sozamia, completing the work I've tasked them with, but they will not be back with the creche for some days yet.
" He fluted out a breath. "Even Vivith cannot work that quickly. "
So Vivith had been sent somewhere on station to do some sort of work for the creche.
It was all very mysterious – or maybe Araxis thought that the less I knew about where Vivith was, the less likely I was to accidentally provoke them.
"But I'm good for the afternoon?" I asked, bending back down to lace up my sneakers.
Araxis inclined his head, turning his attention back to the display. Then, as I was heading out the door, he cleared his throat softly. I hesitated, looking over my shoulder. "I – My schedule is a bit tight at the moment, but I would like to take you on another date, Sashen."
My heart pattered against my ribs, a gentle jog. "You know me," I said breezily with a wink I knew he'd appreciate. "I'm good at getting into –"
He trilled. "Tight places, yes. I… recall.
" I didn't have time to do the calculation on whether he meant he remembered my accidental innuendo or if he was thinking about the times that I'd fucked him, my body moving inside of his, because he rushed ahead and added, "When you come home tonight, perhaps we can look at our schedules? "
"Yeah, I'd like that." We'd barely been able to find time to set aside for sword-dancing – we'd had to look days into the future, and even then it had required that we move around a couple of appointments – so the idea of trying to find time for another outing was daunting, but when had I ever been the type of person to give up?
On impulse, I stepped in closer and grabbed his free hand; his hand was cool, his skin familiar under my fingertips. "I'll see you tonight."
"Enjoy your time," he murmured as I let him go, and I tried not to notice the flicker of something that was strangely close to sadness on his face as I drifted away and made my way to Radiant Ward.
Tam ran me through a brutal series of drills before he'd so much as start warming himself up. "You're slowing down," Tam observed idly as I jabbed furiously at the holo targets hovering in front of my face. "Trouble in paradise?"
"Shut up," I wheezed, staggering back after I'd failed to clear yet another level in the simulator.
I grabbed one of the towels I was pretty sure was clean and mopped up the sweat beading my neck.
Dreyko, who'd been fiddling with the settings on a machine that was out of order, tossed me an electrolyte drink as he passed by, which I tipped back as I gasped for breath.
"It's – There's a lot going on. I might have – caused some drama. "
Tam's eyes crinkled happily at that. "With your little jailbreak?" His laugh boomed through the empty gym. "Yeah, even I caught wind of that, kid. Your prince upset about it?"
"No," I panted, draining more of the cool liquid. "He was pretty fucking pleased, actually. Araxis is great."
Tam tilted his head, his ear spines flexing, tail flicking slightly.
His muscular arms were folded hard across his chest as he took me in carefully, and then he shrugged his massive shoulders.
"If he's so great, why are you down here by yourself?
You could bring him along, you know. He's okay, but I could still teach him a thing or two. "
Something adjacent to irritation tightened my jaw. I wiped at my cheek with the back of one hand, weighing my options. I could give him some bullshit, or I could try something like the truth. And I was pretty sick of lying.
"I – I don't want to just be a person who exists in relation to Araxis," I said after putting my thoughts in some sort of order.
"I want to be myself. You said that I could choose to hide behind his jacket.
Well, I don't want to: I want to be able to stand up for myself, to take care of myself.
I'm doing this for me. I love him, and that doesn't make me…
less of a person. So it's not bad that I do some things on my own. "
Tam actually leaned forward, eyes narrowing as he stared at me. "Of course loving someone doesn't make you less of a person. What kind of fucked up shit do they teach you in your human space cult? Or is that some abayan garbage they're trying to get you to believe?"
"Well –" I started, and then I stopped, frowning. Why did I think that?
I wasn't sure I wanted to be talking about it when I could, instead, be getting my ass handed to me in the way I was paying quite a lot for. "Stop asking me to think about deep stuff!" I cried, throwing the towel at him. "Just make me bleed a little!"
Tam chuckled, shaking his head. "Yeah, yeah, I'll do my best to beat some sense into that thick skull of yours. But seriously, kid: you should think more about that, and if that's what he's making you feel –"
"It's not him," I insisted. Then I smiled at him, sympathetic, and said in the sweetest voice I could muster, "It's so good of you to care. I know at your age, your love life is as barren as a blast zone so you need to fret all about mine to feel a shadow of your youth, but –"
Tam stood up and proceeded to trounce me, as requested, although I was pretty sure that no amount of brain rattling would ever make something as helpful as sense or wisdom shake loose.
I practically staggered my way back to my apartment, where Rodil and Elethenn were waiting.
I tapped my wristband against the new security panel and then pressed my thumb against the biometric scanner – a whole second layer of security that my landlord had added after Elethenn had apparently been rather stern; I had a hard time imagining it, but the malat had been apologetic and a little flustered by the whole interaction, so I guess it had to be true – before sitting down heavily on a chair and hauling off my sweater.
Rodil made their customary disapproving sounds while Elethenn put on tea.
"I'll, uh, go clean up first," I said, grimacing as I looked down at the spray of blood on my tank top.
"It looks more dramatic than it is. Turns out lips bleed like a motherfucker.
" My bottom lip was currently making all my words clumsy, otherwise I'd have tried it in abayan.
I'd convinced Celravi to teach me several ways to swear when I'd been chatting with her on the balcony outside after a quick lesson the day before.
Philosophically, I am in opposition to the notion that words can be good or bad, she'd explained and then proceeded to arm me with a list I was sure would peel paint.
I tottered to the hygiene room and winced at my own reflection, working hard to get the blood off my face and neck and hands.
"Jesus fucking Christ," I muttered in English.
Then again, I'd asked for it – and it was amazing these days what I could take without getting too fazed.
Tam had even said by the end that I wasn't hesitating now.
Even though I knew Tam, even though I liked him, I didn't pull my punches, and I'd gotten him good twice before we called it.
I even had a spatter of his gleaming blood on my shirt, which shimmered in the flickering light above the sink.
"You should rest," Rodil insisted, after dealing with the worst of the bruises and fixing up the cut on my lip.
They even got the swelling down entirely, which was a relief: I wasn't sure Araxis would like my face when it looked like this, and I kind of wanted him to like my face.
I could admit, to myself at least, that I wanted him to like all of me.
It felt like we were getting somewhere, maybe. It felt like we could.
"Can't," I said, stretching my back and hissing with pain.
Tomorrow morning, we were going to go train at a gym near our suite – he'd reserved the facility for us.
He'd told me in the green messages, which meant it wasn't a date, but I was still excited.
I didn't want to be slow. I'd told him I'd show him how much better I was.
"In fact, is there anything you could give me that would maybe take the edge off of the pain?
I've got –" I needed a better reason than, I want to impress my sinnenthi when we sword-dance tomorrow, "I promised to do some sword-dancing for some guests tomorrow.
I don't want to let anyone down by being less than perfect.
" That sounded right; it sounded appropriately virra.