Chapter 12 #3
Moments like this reminded me that I did know a bit more about relationships than he did, because at least I knew how to talk to clients about themselves – and surely, that had to translate. So I asked, "When were you last in the empire?"
He looked up at me, surprised. "It has been nearly fourteen years."
We rounded a corner and came across a section of trees that weren't dead, although their leaves were a strange gold colour, their bark growing in angular scale-like segments. Overhead, the branches formed a tangled canopy. It was similar enough to the Tournament arena that it gave me the tiniest moment’s pause, before I gave my head a quick shake and set myself back on course.
"So you've been on the run even longer than me. "
He inclined his head. "I suppose that is true, yes."
"And was that when Creche Thiel was stricken from the – uh –" I reached for the term in abayan, "Hall of Records?"
"No, that was afterwards. Our head of house anticipated what might happen and split the creche to assure I was safe, and Vivith as well.
" He paused as I stopped to look at a particularly impressive lichen that was growing out of the heart of one tree, a gleam of metallic silver rising like spray up the bark.
"It was wise: those still on Thelessia when the word came through were forced to join other creches, if they were ishik. The ships had already arrived."
"And what happened to your head of house?" I asked, although I suspected I knew.
"She was executed. As were the other arkathi of any standing. This is customary when a creche is stricken. It is why it is so challenging to rebuild."
I turned to look at him, his hands still tucked behind his back, his posture upright, but I'd heard the tension in his voice when he recounted it.
"Did you know her well?" I asked, then, gently.
Because I knew that a creche could be massive: the Creche Athal ship had five hundred permanent residents, and that was just their flagship.
Some of the biggest creches might have thousands who claimed connection, split between branches and smaller creches that might have dedicated the entirety of their house into service.
Araxis looked past me, into the distance where sand dunes rippled out across the dome.
Beyond the undulating hills, the chatter of voices rose in a soft chorus as people walked the main path, segmented away from us.
"Yes," he said. "Thalidi was very present when I was growing up.
She was cinelaat, like Vivith. She was older than is customary for a cinelaat to raise hatchlings, but she gathered our eggs herself and saw us from our shells. "
My heart ached as I watched him – stoic and careful. "She was your parent," I murmured.
He nodded, and then continued to follow the path as it curved past the edge of the forest and toward the glinting door into the next region.
I jogged to catch up, reaching for his wrist and tugging him to a stop.
"You and Vivith talked about Thalidi, before they left," I said, the name familiar but the grief and respect with which he said it even more so.
My fingers stayed fastened around his cool skin.
Araxis nodded, but offered nothing else. I thought of the way Vivith had spoken to Araxis, of the way they'd been picking at him over these past weeks. The arguments, the digs at his gender, the way Vivith undercut his authority at every turn.
I sucked on the inside of my cheek. "Feel free to tell me it's none of my business –" I began.
"Everything is your business," Araxis corrected.
"It's not," I insisted. "I know how complicated these things can be.
The difference between us is that I ran as far away as I could from my family problems; you've chosen to stay put and work through yours.
" Araxis opened his mouth to protest, so I forged on, not wanting to lose my nerve.
I was prying and I knew it, but I wanted to understand.
"How did you decide that you would lead the creche?
Vivith is cinelaat; they're arkathi. They could have.
But – Was the plan always for you to lead, if things with Creche Thiel went… wrong?"
The light above us was bright, so I could track the movement of Araxis's black eyes, how they seemed to flicker over my features as he thought hard about what I’d been babbling about.
I could see the sudden tension, the flare of something tender; I'd prodded a bruise without meaning to. Maybe something worse than a bruise.
I let go of his wrist.
"I'm sorry," I said. "We don't have to talk about this.
" Vivith and Araxis had both been emotional when Thalidi's name came up at the suite, as if speaking about her made them raw and vulnerable.
Of course I couldn't just ask for Araxis to tell me all about his worst losses, his most painful experiences. What the fuck was I thinking?
"There is no need to apologize," Araxis murmured, his stare drifting away toward the door before us.
He began to walk toward it, and I followed, listening.
"In fact, they are connected. Thalidi selected me to be head of house.
She saw in me a – particular capacity for the burdens of leadership, whereas Thalidi considered Vivith's potential to be…
unclear. Vivith is arkathi, yes, but only just. Or so it was decided, and I therefore received special training.
Thalidi and I spent countless hours together.
Vivith has, perhaps, always been prone to…
jealousy. The root becomes clear when you consider how our paths diverged at such a young age, and why.
It is considered healthy for a child to spend time learning from an adult of the same gender when possible, but I monopolized our Thalidi's time. "
We stepped to the door, Araxis opening it for me, and crossed into the dimly lit space between worlds again. As if by some unspoken agreement, we lingered there.
"I don't get to speak of her very often now.
Our Thalidi was the kind of leader I aspire to be; she is the standard I will always fail to live up to, and yet will continue striving toward.
And I am certain she would have liked you a great deal, Sashen.
She was – quite radical in her beliefs, and unafraid to speak her mind in the Assembly.
She would have chosen death over compliance any day.
" He exhaled, then, and looked at me, his eyes bright and wet. "Much like you."
She would have been everything to Araxis when he was a child, and then she'd been killed for using her voice.
It was devastating, the kind of tragedy that left deep scars.
No wonder he hesitated to agitate in the way he believed she would have wanted; he'd lost everything, and yet she was the blueprint.
What did that leave him for a future? How courageous did he have to be to face it nonetheless?
My chest constricted, and I couldn't help myself: I closed the space between us, tugging Araxis close so that I could fold him into my arms. I pressed my mouth to his temple, not quite a kiss, and inhaled deeply, filling my lungs with the scent of him.
"I'm sorry," I repeated, holding him tight, his hands gently drifting to rest on my back, tentative.
"And, just to reiterate where I stand in all of this, fuck the Concord.
Point me at them, and I'll put all of what I've got into messing up every single one of their shitty plans.
I'm pretty good at getting in the way: I can be very annoying. "
He trilled, wet sounding, but when I released him, Araxis had composed his face to something neutral. I pushed open the next door, and we made our way into a thick and dark forest, the branches of the trees so dense that it felt like we were walking between two very green and fragrant walls.
Araxis's shoulder nudged mine as we strolled, the trees overhead creaking gently in the gardens' generated winds.
"Our creche was small when we left: Thalidi chose those she trusted most to be with her hatchlings.
Then, we were led by an entinn, Inniral, who took over the work of raising us.
I spent a great deal of time with them before they died. It is why –"
He stopped talking as we passed through a clearing, the boulders demarcating its boundaries draped in a brilliant tapestry of moss growing in colours I didn't know plants could even be – teal and lime and the startling black of the void.
Araxis stopped to stroke the plush surface of the moss, his stare distant.
"Why what?" I asked, standing close to him. Close enough that I could smell his skin, even with the fragrance of the trees and soil heavy in the air around us.
"Vivith said I was confused because I was so attached to Inniral," he said finally, still touching the moss. His hand drifted to the granite, which he also traced with his long fingers. "I had learned to be a leader from an entinn, and so I had gotten – muddled."
A second-hand outrage kicked my pulse into gear as I felt the impulse to track Vivith down and rip them a new one.
I'd suspected – I think I'd known – that it was Vivith who had made Araxis doubt himself.
They'd encouraged his shame instead of building his confidence.
For a cinelaat, who was meant to be a wayfinder, they had done a pretty shit job; they'd even done a shit job by the meagre measure of how to be a decent person.
"Fuck that, what a stupid thing to say," I said, chest tight.
"That's like – So on Seraphim, when I told my age group teacher that I had a crush on my best friend, Desmon, he said it was because my dad had died when I was young and now I wanted to be like my mom, which meant that I was modelling my desires on what she would want. "
Araxis's hand dropped away from the rock, and he turned to stare at me, bewildered. "What?"