Chapter 12 #6
I could just forget it all, I thought drunkenly. I could pretend nothing bad had ever happened. I could just be his. "Araxis –" I said his name like it was a ragged and holy thing, like I never wanted to have another name on my tongue, my hips shifting against him, needy.
With a startled breath, Araxis pulled away, untangling his fingers from my hair and, instead, pressing his hand to my chest. He was breathing rapidly, and even in the dim lights of the moon gardens, I could see that he was flushed a pretty colour, his eyes gone glassy, his mouth clearly well-kissed.
His hand in the middle of my chest felt simultaneously like a tether connecting us and a wall he was putting up to keep me at bay. "I believe," Araxis said, voice strained and hoarse, "that it is acceptable to kiss and touch like this on a third date. But –"
"I told you not to get any ideas," I murmured, still straddling his lap, my heart trembling in my throat, skin buzzing where he'd touched me. Where I'd imagined he might touch me.
He trilled then, low enough it was almost a rumble.
His eyes angled thoughtfully, sly, as he looked up at me.
"I don't think I was the one getting ideas, Sashen.
" And then his stare dragged deliberately down the lines of my body, coming to rest at the bulge in my pants, before raking back upwards.
His tongue flicked against his lower lip, which gleamed in the softly glowing lights around us.
"I can't help it," I said, low. "I'm virra."
"And I would prove myself to be a sinnenthi worthy of you by –" I shifted in his lap, adjusting my weight, and his words died immediately in a half-choked sound of desire.
The look of nearly delirious want that caught his perfect features was almost enough to make me fuck him right there.
But Araxis cleared his throat, struggling to compose himself, and finished, "I would prove myself worthy of you by doing this properly.
If – if that is something you might like, Sashen.
Understanding that you might change your mind at any time. "
I knew I could. I could decide anything. I had the credits he was paying me. I was improving my skills. I was working with Silver Sea to invest some of my earnings. I had a contract with Araxis, and months to go before we reviewed it. I had a way out if I needed it.
I could do anything I wanted, and that included changing my mind about Araxis – now or later.
But right then, in that moment, what I wanted was to give this a chance.
To try, like we'd talked about back on the ship before we'd arrived in the Thenat Cluster.
"I'd like that," I said slowly, gradually easing off of him and sliding back to the bench at his side, although I made sure to keep my thigh pressed against his.
"I would. And –" because he never seemed able to say it himself, and I didn't want him to forget, "you don't need to be sinnenthi for me.
I like all of you. I want all of you – sinnenthi and entinn.
I think maybe… maybe that's some of where things went wrong before, don't you?
You were all sinnenthi, the protector of your creche, and you didn't stop to think like an entinn.
What might this choice do to the person on the other end? "
Araxis looked abruptly away, into the distance of the gardens beyond, and I could see his thoughts racing down twisting avenues and alleyways as he considered that.
So while he wandered, I just reached and touched the back of one hand, gentle and familiar; he turned it upwards, and I tangled my fingers with his, stroking his skin with my thumb.
Gradually, he seemed to come to some resolution and he looked back at me.
"I have much to think about still," he admitted.
"And much yet to reckon with. I wish – Hm.
How I wish Inniral were still living. I would give almost anything for their guidance.
There is nothing quite like a wizened old entinn to put you in your place when you need it most, and to make you feel grateful for the correction.
" A smile flickered across his features, edged in sadness.
I couldn't understand what he had lost, but I did know that spending time with Nilli of Creche Athal had made me feel like I'd been turned inside out, but in a good way. Like she'd seen me in a way that very few people ever did.
It was how I had so often felt about Araxis, too.
I was about to say as much when Araxis's wristband buzzed.
I saw the irritation that caught his features, just as I heard the hard, fluting sigh that tore from him.
"I set it to silence all notifications unless certain conditions were met," he said, thinly.
"I presume creche business is intruding –"
As he was speaking, mine started buzzing too. My stomach twisted with immediate concern, and I let go of his hand to flick at the display. "Do you think something bad –" I started as Araxis also tapped his wristband to life.
Waiting for me was a note from Vivith. I can only presume you are together, because there is no other reason Araxis would make himself unavailable except that he is indulging you.
Please remind him he has many responsibilities to attend to.
Then, a moment later, another message flashed up.
I understand that 'personal days' are important to your human constitution, but I fail to see why you are forcing them upon your sinnenthi as well. Your frailty –
I tapped the message closed, my eyes falling shut as I inhaled deeply. "They're mad," I said distantly, finally opening my eyes. "Unless this is just an unhappy coincidence in timing?"
Next to me, Araxis's expression was flat. "No, it is Vivith," he said. "They have completed their task. I see that their approach has not changed greatly in the time they've been away."
I snorted, eyebrows inching up. "Oh, were you expecting that?"
He cut me a sideways look. "Would you think I was very naive if I said that I'd hoped that might happen?"
"I'd say that you're hopeful, and that I like that about you.
They've asked me to let you know," I pulled up the message and put on my best impression, "You have many responsibilities to attend to.
Did you know that? That you have things to do?
Considering that I only ever see you lounging about, staring idly out the window and thinking about cosmic clouds, I'm sure this is a rude awakening and an all-round startling revelation. "