Chapter 17
Cheap Taste
We settled into a new rhythm in Creche Thiel, Araxis carefully delegating Vivith's tasks to those who were best suited.
It quickly became clear how fortunate we were to have new creche-mates: Araxis sat with Inmadra shortly after the meeting with the entire creche to review each member's strengths, listening carefully to her suggestions for delegation.
He disagreed with her on several points, and Inmadra had looked pleased when he pushed back.
It was as if, by listening and then following his own judgment, by finding each creche-mate's capacity and ruthlessly carving up the tasks that he and Vivith usually shared to be newly divided among those who were suited, he had passed some sort of crucial test in Inmadra's eyes.
Which was good: I knew, based on the hours I still spent with her working on my language skills, that she didn't believe in taking it easy on anyone.
But if Araxis had been busy before, the week that followed was brutal.
Every minute of the day was brimming with things that needed to be done, and I'd crammed my own schedule full too.
Sometimes, it felt like we barely saw each other unless we were sitting in a meeting together, and often we were headed in different directions.
I travelled to so many corners of Sozamia, often with Inmadra or Elethenn in tow, that I was convinced I knew it better than I'd ever known Yellow Fin.
By the end of each day, I was exhausted, weary in a bone-deep way that felt familiar, even if it was also strange.
I hadn't realized that using my brain could also leave me wiped out, as if thinking took something out of my body.
I hadn't had to do much thinking in the den, not after I was fluent in Standard anyway.
Even though I was inevitably tired by the time the fake sky outside cycled to stars and moons, I still slipped out late at night to go for runs, happily wearing the headphones Araxis had given me and listening to songs I thought would make me run faster, trying to grind myself to an even deeper level of exhaustion because –
Well.
I'd eventually relented to my own need to know, and decided to just start asking Inmadra the questions I needed answers to, because who else could I talk to?
If I asked Araxis, he'd feel guilty and that was the last thing I wanted.
Which is why it was good to have a language and culture tutor who had a little more emotional distance from – things.
"So, in terms of a proper abayan courtship," I'd asked a couple of days after Vivith had left as we sat in an inter-ward shuttle that was queued up for the Central Ward docks, "what's the timeline?"
"It varies based on how traditional a creche is," Inmadra had said, deep into the documents we'd been sent by Ai'lun Industries, who were apparently keen on expanding their initial agreement with Araxis.
"In more conservative creches, a formal courtship can take several years.
Although that is not typical now. Perhaps closer to a single year. "
I'd tried not to react to that. A year. "And during a courtship, would there be any –" How did I put this in a way that would be sensitive to abayan… sensitivities?
She glanced up, mouth a thin line. "Sexual intimacy?
" she offered. "Sashen, do recall: I consulted with ketaar polities for years.
If anything, you seem less inclined to speak about these matters than my ketaari contacts did.
It varies: sometimes sexual contact is part of a courtship, but that is often considered in bad taste. A bit... tawdry."
"So why –" I caught myself in time. I couldn't just ask why Araxis and Vivith thought it was important for us to fuck on broadcast; Inmadra didn't know any of that, and it had to stay that way.
I pivoted. "Does that mean that abayan viewers thought that, when Araxis and I had sex at the Tournament, he wasn't behaving properly? Or honourably?"
I had to stop anticipating that I might fluster Inmadra, because she didn't even bat an eye.
She was unflappable. "The conventions for virra are different.
Sexual intimacy is one way that a sinnenthi might persuade a virra to declare, and a declaration was widely regarded as the best means to keep you safe.
Araxis conducted himself in a way that is considered honourable for that reason; the abayan broadcasters were less honourable in the amount of audio footage they chose to share, when by rights, it should have been private.
" Her mouth had thinned then, irritated on my behalf, which was kind of nice.
"Virra are unique in abayan culture," Inmadra continued.
"You know this, Sashen. And so a sinnenthi who courts a virra is held to different standards.
The caldathess can be a mark that indicates a virra is being courted, rather than a sign of an inelegant courtship.
Indeed, I recall some particularly sought-after virra in Adralne who would sometimes show up at events with a series of marks on them, to show they were being courted by many at once. This is expected conduct."
I had a lot of thoughts about all of that – virra got to bang their way through abayan court, but no one else could?
– but I'd kept them to myself because I had more pressing concerns.
I'd expected, since we'd scrapped the contract and since we'd been making out and also it had been many weeks since we'd last been together on Creche Athal's ship, that Araxis and I would start having sex again, but we hadn't.
We weren't. And I didn't know what to do with myself.
I had reached for Araxis that first night, and he'd kissed me, leveraging himself up so that he was on top of me, his mouth hungry, his teeth sharp as he plundered my mouth, but before things could go anywhere – although my dick definitely wanted to go somewhere – he'd rolled back over and said that we would be wise to get a good night's sleep.
"And –" he reiterated, voice hoarse, skin flushed, "I do mean to court you properly. "
Which, as far as I could tell, meant kissing me and then leaving me half-hard and frustrated. But if a proper courtship was important to Araxis, then it could be important to me, although I did need to understand what that meant first.
"So courting a virra is faster, " I'd tried, "but if there's a courtship without a virra, it takes more time and there's... less sex?"
"Yes, it is quite different," admitted Inmadra. "A longer courtship is to be expected in other cases, and little in the way of sexual intimacy until certain oaths are made, once each party has shown their devotion."
"Why is that?" I'd asked, curious. "I know that, culturally, you place a lot of weight on sex and that it has something to do with the reason there are hatcheries now and why everyone is sterilized.
I'm assuming a long courtship must have some connection with that, like – because it's dangerous to have children, you'd need longer to show it was worth the risk.
Could you explain?" Because no one knew anything about where that baggage had come from, and I bet it was exactly the kind of thing Perseus would be interested in.
Maybe there was medical tech they could offer to help, or –
But the look she had given me, then, was flinty, corrective. "No, I cannot explain," she'd said, flat. "You are not yet entitled to that knowledge. One day, you may gain access to the stories of our people, but it is not yours yet. It is not appropriate to pry."
"Oh," I'd said then, startled, guilt twisting deep in my stomach. "I'm sorry, I –"
She'd waved my apology away. "It is wise for you to ask me these things, Sashen. Be mindful that you do not make such inquiries more broadly." She'd paused, then offered to send me some materials on courtship; by then, she'd figured out that I liked to know as much as possible.
The materials, when they arrived on my wristband, weren't terribly helpful.
They were vague and seemed to mostly be etiquette guides for young abaya on how to initiate a courtship without getting ahead of one's self.
Which, I quickly learned, Araxis had, way back on the ship before we'd set foot on Thenat-6.
There was an entire chapter about exchanging quills and what might make a young abaya ready for such a serious step, but Araxis had given me one just before I left the ship to hide with my sword.
I might have written it off as manipulation, except that I hadn't known what it meant and Araxis knew I hadn't known and it was something I'd had to hide anyway, so it couldn't have been for the audience either.
I'd stared at that passage in the guide for a long time, skeptical, trying to think of another angle...
but I was eventually forced to admit that it could only mean that he'd really liked me, even then.
Enough to give me a token of his devotion, enough for him to want me to have that, even though I couldn't understand it.
Although I wondered if some part of me still had: how often had I run my fingers along the seam in my swords' sheath where I'd hidden the quill, feeling it under my fingernails when the rest of the universe seemed big and awful?
It had been a tender enough thought that I'd found myself kneeling in our closet, cradling my swords to my chest and pressing hard enough into the seam where his quill was still hidden that I left lines indented into my fingertips.
I'd also flipped to the section on sinnenthi and had again come across the phrase Crozani and the Zivanis sinnenthi had used at the museum, and which had made Araxis look a little stunned when I'd said it.
Which was curious enough that I'd written to Inmadra, despite the fact that I knew she was in a meeting with Araxis.
What does it mean to 'exert control'? I wrote, using the exact abayan phrase.