Chapter 19 #3
"You haven't failed me," I said, insistent.
And then, because his eyes were a little glossy and I didn't think we needed someone else crying tonight, I said, "Really, Araxis, it's okay.
Well, tonight was fucked up and definitely not okay, but that's not because of you.
Pour us some tea, and let's figure this out. "
"You must be tired," Araxis tried.
I shook my head, although I was. "Do you know the number of all-nighters I pulled back at the den?
There were times when we'd have these ridiculous special events for important guests and they'd run for a few days.
A few endless days. And you know I needed the credits, so I'd work as much as I could.
I might sleep for an hour or two, but mostly I was working.
" I shrugged as Araxis drifted to the low table and poured us two fragrant cups of tea.
As he did, I turned it over in my mind. Nizanin had information that was more or less a grenade. What could we do about that? Vivith had handed them a weapon, and that put us in an absolutely shit negotiating position.
Why would Vivith do that?
To put Araxis on the back foot, in case they needed to tug on the reins a bit more firmly.
To make inroads with a group whose help the creche needed, even if they were volatile.
To persuade Nizanin to remove me from the equation, if things went Vivith's way.
It was a gamble. It was a stupid gamble, and Vivith was a lot of things, but they absolutely weren't stupid.
"Who knows?" I asked suddenly as Araxis passed me the cup, settling down again by my side.
"Who knows what?"
"About me?" At his blank look, I continued, "About paying to release the debt claim so I'd have to enter the Tournament." Araxis flinched, and I reached for him. "Sorry, I know. But you can tell I'm not upset when I say it, right? I'm not upset now."
Araxis looked at me, a distressed whine vibrating in his throat. "Yes. I can tell. And I am upset for you." He swallowed, tongue flicking out to his lower lip. "Hm. Vivith and I know. Alet Trident knows. You know, and the justiciar and translator, I suppose."
I leaned back, staring up at the ceiling as I tried to think through it all.
If someone went looking for intel, would Valerie share it?
Would Perseus? Not with an organization like the Unbound, surely; I didn't know much about them except that they weren't a fan of the big, bad galaxy and they certainly wouldn't be eager to make friends with a human organization from the other side of space.
We were safe from that angle, at least. "And what proof is there? "
"Proof?"
I nodded, tipping my head sideways so that I could look at Araxis. "Did you sign a contract of some sort? Is there a paper trail? Are there messages?"
Araxis shook his head. "The business was conducted in person."
The business. It was a funny way to think that, two months and change since I'd discovered what he'd done and how he'd used me, we were able to talk about what had been the most devastating discovery of my life in this detached way.
Like it might have been anything. Like it wasn't my entire life, my future, any hopes and dreams I might have had.
Although I could see now that Alet Trident's den was where hopes and dreams went to die. I'd been on my last legs there, even if it would have been nice to choose to leave instead of being shoved out the door and into arms waiting patiently to catch me for political purposes.
As the silence stretched between us – he could always tell what I was thinking about, so of course he could now too, or maybe he was just mapping entire realms onto my silence that were charted by the route of his own guilt – Araxis's throat hummed again with a sharp subvocal, and his stare dropped away to the floor, head ducking.
"It's okay," I stressed. "I'm not upset."
"That is even greater reason for my shame," he muttered. "Yours is a generous spirit, Sashen. Nizanin had my measure on that at least; I do not deserve your loyalty after such callous disregard. I used you horribly –"
"Stop it." Araxis fell to pointed silence, unable to look at me.
I didn't have it in me to do this now, not when we had to try and untangle what Vivith had been thinking and how to handle the Unbound and their writ.
But I knew that the more I put off hearing what Araxis had to say, the harder it would be.
Part of me wanted to forget the entire thing, but as much as the apology was for me, it wasn't entirely about me.
It was about us. It was about what we wanted to build together.
And, fuck, we were certainly going to need a strong foundation to face whatever was coming our way.
It was clear that Araxis was haunted by what he'd done, that it was always lurking just beneath the surface.
And as I was locked in an eternal battle against all the things I wanted to drown in the darkest corners of my soul, I could acknowledge that maybe it was important, sometimes, to try a different approach.
Maybe some things needed to be hauled out and looked at, so that they didn't rot instead.
He needed this. He needed absolution, which Vivith had said I'd been denying him. Maybe he couldn't be the head of house he needed to be without that.
"How about," I tried gently, "we do the apology in the morning?"
His stare flicked up, though his chin was still tilted downward, shoulders drawn up. "You would listen?"
"Yes," I stressed, and I would. And, because I felt all weird and vulnerable and a bit hurt and also very ashamed of how I'd been at the root of so much of the fuckery recently, I added, "And then maybe we can fool around. I think we've earned it."
Araxis jerked back, a startled trill loosing from his throat. "Hm, yes. You are right, I think. You did make a number of very interesting suggestions before our unintended meeting."
"Yeah, somehow I don't think we'll be going back to my little love shack in Radiant Ward," I joked, sipping on my tea as my heart pattered against my ribs.
"But we can stay up and figure out how we're going to deal with Vivith and the Unbound.
Let's talk leverage, and then we'll look over that…
agreement on the disc thing, and then we'll figure out what we're going to do if Vivith starts running their mouth to other people. "