Chapter 24 #4
Vivith was quiet for a long moment. They reached out and finally took their cold tea from the table, fingers tapping on the edge of the cup. “Perhaps... you will tell me,” they said in the end.
It was the right thing to say. I could see Araxis soften immediately. And I couldn't say that I disagreed. Despite what Vivith had said about me, despite what they thought I was doing, I did believe them when they said they wanted what was best for Creche Thiel and for Araxis.
It's just that they didn't believe that I had any part in that future.
"If something were to happen to me, I would see you as head of house," Araxis said. "But I am not yet satisfied with your atonement. I understand that this transition has been difficult. You have made it more so."
"Yes, I am aware."
"Then I propose this," said Araxis. "To all others in Creche Thiel, we will say that you have completed your atonement. You will assume duties as I dictate them. As you demonstrate that you can follow my leadership and that your judgment is sound, I will expand what you are permitted to do. Is this acceptable?”
"Yes, Araxis," said Vivith, head bowed.
"When we arrive in Xitera where we have some safety, you will undertake additional tasks in order to fulfill your atonement. It will become, eventually, part of our creche's history. Do you agree?"
"If you think that is best. I would demonstrate to the children that atonement is an honourable and worthy undertaking. It is not unforgivable to have fallen short."
"Yes," said Araxis, fingers tightening against my hip.
"How well I know that. And Sashen is right, we must assure our focus remains on what there is to accomplish.
We must guard ourselves against the dangers Xitera presents.
I would have your help in this, Vivith. And I would challenge you to act with greater delicacy and sensitivity than you have so far. "
"I will do so," murmured Vivith. "You are generous with your forgiveness, though I'm undeserving. I would make a proper apology to you, once we are through all of this. I thought – I thought I might have lost forever the respect and affection you once had for me. I have felt – Have you not felt that there is something broken between us now? I do not want that, Araxis.”
Araxis studied Vivith, his sibling and his only real peer in his entire fucking life, the one person who understood what he’d lived through and what he’d lost. The person he’d been willing to put everything on the line for, including his integrity and honour; I felt him shiver against me under the weight of so much emotion, as he was torn in so many directions.
“Yes, Vivith, I have felt it too. I think this... is a way forward. But as much as I wish for us to find accord again, I am head of house; I am not simply your Araxis any more. There are things I cannot tolerate, you understand that. It would be to corrupt the foundation before we lay the first stone. We must build Creche Thiel back properly.”
Vivith nodded deeply, a hand drifting to the centre of their chest where they rubbed the skin through the puff of gauzy black fabric. “Yes,” they said seriously, “I could not agree more. I will do better, Araxis, I swear it to you. We must – We must all work as one in this, yes?"
We left the meeting and Vivith trailed off, uncertain, to go see the children in their nest, while Araxis went and spoke with our creche-mates about Vivith's atonement.
And as he did that, I found myself hovering in front of the mirror in the hygiene room.
I planted my hands on the counter and studied my own reflection in the murky evening light.
Creche Naival was coming for Araxis. I thought of Crozani's sharp stare, her wicked smile; I thought of her presence here in Verdant Ward.
She'd called me unguarded. My hands flexed on the counter as I looked hard into my own eyes, which in the darkness appeared not green but black: little voids, puncturing through to the shadows inside of me.
If Naival thought they were going to come for Araxis, if they thought it would be easy, if they thought they'd catch him off guard, or unguarded, they would soon discover the error of their fucking ways.
That night, when we crawled into bed, I pushed myself up so that I was looking down at Araxis from above.
It was too dark to make out the expression on his face, but I could see the gentle quiver of his pale eyelids, a flicker of barely-suppressed emotion.
"You're head of house," I said, quiet and firm.
"You're making the decisions. You're in charge.
No matter what Vivith thinks, Thalidi chose you, Araxis. I hope Vivith heard you this time."
Beneath me, he exhaled, soft. "Did – Was that handled well?"
I heard the unasked question. Did I do a good job?
"Yes," I murmured, leaning down and pressing my mouth against his. "You were clear and strong and firm." Then, because I thought he needed to hear it, "My perfect sinnenthi."
He nuzzled his mouth against my neck, wrapping himself around me as we settled in for the night, his skin familiar against mine, his breathing as necessary as the beating of my heart.
Mine, like I was his.