Chapter 29 #5
Elethenn was bone-white, his skin matte.
The light coming in from the windows behind him was soft, and that contrast – the lovely day outside, thanks to the ward's climate controls, and the ugliness in this room and the ugliness of what Elethenn had done and the absolute devastation written across his features – made my stomach clench, my pulse pounding. How dare he look so fucking ruined.
"I –" Elethenn's black eyes were wide, gleaming with tears.
He still held Araxis's plant to his chest, and I could hear the shrill subvocal shivering in his pale throat, could watch the line of his jaw as it shook.
"It was – It was atonement, and by the time I realized I – that I did not wish to atone, that I did not wish to return to Nime's side, I had already – I had already betrayed Araxis and I had betrayed you.
And I could not violate the trust of my former creche and I could not be worthy of my place in Creche Thiel and – But it does not matter, I know, none of it does, because – Because I have been cowardly.
I have failed in every – In all – By any possible measurement –"
I'd given up packing and had ended up sitting on the floor, staring furiously at him, my pulse thundering against my ears as Elethenn started to cry in earnest. He tipped his chin down, fingers spasming around the plant, but he didn’t move away.
Even though his shoulders were shaking, even though he could barely breathe.
I bore witness to it, unwilling to offer comfort. I sat there and I watched him cry, my jaw tight.
He'd fucked us over, he really had. And yet – and fucking yet – I also knew that he could have made things even worse.
He hadn't told Creche Naival about the Unbound, although that would have been the nail in our proverbial coffin.
He'd tried to keep me safe from the assault.
And, stars, what the fuck did I really understand about atonement?
What did I understand about what it was like to be exiled and then offered a chance to go back?
I'd never wanted to go back to Seraphim; it had to be different, being sent away instead of running away.
And who even knew what was allowed to be shared or talked about, given all those cultural layers of privacy and secrecy?
I waited until he'd stopped sounding like he was choking before I asked the question I really needed an answer to, which would determine what, exactly, I was going to do next.
"Did you know that Creche Naival was gunning for us last night?" The question was quiet when I asked it, hushed, as if knowing how dangerous it was made it harder to say. "Did you know that this was going to happen, when it became clear they'd failed?" Because that might actually be unforgivable.
When Elethenn finally met my stare, his eyes were glossy and wet.
He swallowed several times; I could tell he wanted to press a hand to his chest, to try and calm himself, but he was still holding the plant – and maybe he didn't think he deserved that comfort.
I wasn't sure he was wrong. "I think," Elethenn finally said, voice hoarse and unsteady, "I think Rodil suspected that my loyalty was…
shifting. That it – it had. They told me nothing.
They asked me about the Unbound and I said nothing, Sashen.
I did not tell them when the meeting was.
I did not tell them there was a meeting.
They demanded to know why I was – why I was so distressed after Tamcer was killed, and again after – after I was threatened in Core Ward.
I refused their order. But I should have acted when Crozani came to the creche; I should have – It is my role to defend.
Here that has been my role. But – Rodil had the children in hand so quickly and I thought – Sashen, I thought that if I could persuade them to keep only Talvi as leverage, I would be able to assure they were well treated.
I was certain Nime would wish to bring a virra into his household, although they are a child.
I was certain I could… convince him. The others were all meant to be unharmed, if they cooperated, but our – your Avelthe –"
And maybe it was because my friendship with Elethenn had meant so much to me, or because I hated to see the shame written across every line of his face, alive in every muscle of his body.
Maybe it was empathy, or maybe I was just fucking tired.
But whatever the reason, I heard how he said Avelthe's name – like it was sacred, like he didn't deserve to speak it – and something in me gave, like an exhale that was somewhere between relief and resignation.
"Our Avelthe," I corrected, gentle, as Elethenn's features spasmed again. He turned abruptly, as if he couldn't stand for me to watch him break like this, not again.
"Our Avelthe was afraid to go into the shipping container to be detained," he gasped out, and my chest ached at the thought. "He struggled and Crozani –"
I didn't need Elethenn to tell me. I could imagine what had happened.
"Okay," I murmured, finally pushing myself to my feet. "Well, you came through when it mattered, I guess."
"I did not." His voice was like broken glass, nothing but sharp edges and the taste of blood. "You – you must tell our – your Araxis of my – failure, my – betrayal. He will – He will know how best to hold me to account for what I have done."
Oh, I was definitely telling Araxis. He was going to get a full account, and Elethenn was going to be the one to tell him – but if anyone understood that people could do awful things and still deserve a chance, it was Araxis. There was no one kinder. We both knew that.
"You can start by helping me pack a few things for everyone," I said, quiet but firm.
I looked around the closet again, scooping up Araxis's swords before grabbing a zippered bag from my crate that I'd put there for safe keeping.
I threw it into my pack, wedging the swords under my arm as Elethenn drifted out of the doorway to hover in the middle of the room.
"When I first met you, I would have done anything Nime asked of me without a second thought," said Elethenn as he stared toward the windows, his voice a thousand light-years away.
I studied the line of his broad shoulders, which were still trembling; his dark crest, tied hastily into a knot.
I couldn't see his face, but I knew it well: his mismatched eyes, that startling scar, and the unseen shadows behind it all.
"But – but Nime is not kind, and I should have refused him.
It would have been better to be crecheless for the rest of my life than to do what he tasked me with.
It is better to be alone than to return to him. "
Elathe, I thought distantly, knowing the shape of that word well.
I chewed it over, looping off the ties of the bag and hefting it up.
I still didn't understand the relationships that abaya had with their head of house, or branch, but that didn't just sound like the usual type of fealty.
"So, Nime of Creche Hanalthi," I said carefully, remembering what Elethenn had said about the person he'd seen before, in a relationship that had been casual to him – but not to Elethenn. "Would he be... your beloved?"
Elethenn nearly flinched when I said the word. "He would not say so, I am certain," he murmured, which was all I needed to know about that.
In the end, it wasn't easy to hate Elethenn, especially not after he'd helped me take our creche back, and I didn't want to anyway.
Maybe forgiveness was like a muscle: you got better at it the more you used it.
Then again, I hadn't forgiven him. Maybe I just pitied him instead.
That was certainly easy; it was like feeling bad for a dog who'd been beaten and still nosed around the household, hoping for the gentle hand rather than the cruel one, but taking either just the same.
"Well, I'm glad you decided to develop a massive crush on Araxis instead so that you could finally see that Nime –" the name tasted bitter in my mouth, "fucking sucks.
I mean, don't expect it to go anywhere, but clearly Araxis is the better choice.
" Elethenn turned to look at me, startled, but I ignored the particular panic in his features and instead held out Araxis's swords for him to carry.
"So, like, obviously, fuck you for what you did, but Nime of Creche Hanalthi should just go die in a hole somewhere and we could all count that as a general improvement in the state of the galaxy. Now are you going to take these?"
His face was a mask, tense and tremulous all at once, the line of his mouth still unsteady as he stared at me, eyes shiny.
I didn't want to see him cry again. I wanted to go pick a few things from the suite and then get the fuck out of here, and I definitely didn't want to continue to have heartfelt fucking conversations in a room with two corpses.
So I wiggled the swords where they hovered between us.
"Look, I can't carry everything. I told you: I got stabbed yesterday, and you know I just got shot with a blaster.
A few times, even. Come on, sinnenthi: step up. "
I watched the change in him, as if he was being poured into a new shape – still liquid, still becoming, but...
changing. He straightened carefully, chin rising just a fraction of an inch.
Elethenn took Araxis's gleaming swords, setting the plant carefully aside first before strapping the belt around his hips.
He then offered a hand for my bag – which, fair, was really fucking heavy, the seams complaining at how much I'd crammed into it – which I reluctantly gave to him.