Chapter 31 #5
"No one else on the ship could stand siezalal.
" Evreni wiped at her eyes. "After our Inniral died, Avelthe often complained that he did not have anyone to play with.
" She paused, mouth twisting with a spasm of grief before she forcibly smoothed it out.
"Elethenn played several games with our Avelthe.
He showed Avelthe a variation that made the game slightly quicker – which our Avelthe did not care for, and so Elethenn instead suggested they play a version accessible on wristbands, so that he might always make his next move whether he was in the creche or out on business.
Elethenn was kind to our Avelthe. He will be a good creche-mate once he has atoned.
He is patient. Avelthe said as much. He knew he...
He knew his condition made him difficult to be around. "
And then Evreni's glassy stare shifted to me. "He said much the same about you, Sashen." Her subvocal was quavering, unsteady, and next to her, Inmadra reached to press a hand to Evreni's shoulder. "He said that while you are inherently very loud, you worked diligently to accommodate –"
My chest ached, tight, and I nodded before looking away so that I didn't get too lost in the feeling.
Araxis's fingers tightened on my thigh, a comforting pulse.
I hadn't ever had someone to grieve before, not as an adult when the shape of the grief was clearer in my mind.
When my father had died, I'd been too young to understand.
And then the other children who hadn't made it out of the re-education camp – I knew, if I'd had time and space, I would have felt their loss in a way that might have destroyed me.
But I'd been so ground down, so firmly pressed under Seraphim's boot, that I'd barely been able to string any thoughts together.
I'd certainly been unable to feel anything.
Only the void, then. Only an eternal nothingness, preferable to the misery that had been all around me.
It was good, maybe, that I could be sad now, that I could find myself thinking about the hours I spent with Tamcer Temahura and miss him so fiercely that the pain was like a cracked rib; it was good that I could think about Avelthe and feel my throat get tight, even missing the way he loved to grouse about how loudly I breathed before turning up the volume on the drama we were watching; it was good that I could hate Rodil and be so angry on Elethenn's behalf, even as I was furious with him as well.
It was good, I thought as I watched Araxis speak gently with the other arkathi, his eyes gleaming and his hands fluttering to accentuate a point, that I had been able to be so mad at Araxis, and then to love him all the same.
Look at all that I could contain. Look at the capacity I had inside of me.
I'd worried, once, that the darkness in me might have choked out all the space I needed to feel anything bright and good. But sitting there, my hand tangled with Araxis's as Inmadra trilled, shocked, at something Vivith had said, I knew that I didn't have to fear that, not now.
The darkness was there, yes – but maybe if I stopped feeding it only the worst things about me, the worst things that had happened, maybe I could make it a little less dark. Maybe I could make it a little less awful.
At least I could try. I was ready to. I'd said months ago that I would have liked to try with Araxis too, and now – now I thought I could.
That night, our last night in Primus territory, Araxis rolled me onto my back in bed, propped up on one arm as he looked down at me.
"Are you ready for what awaits us? Tell me truthfully.
I know it is a great deal, all of this." He asked me seriously, like if I said no, he'd hit pause and we'd wait until I was ready.
One of his hands traced the length of my neck, a gentle touch as he stared down at me.
"I'm as ready as I can be," I said, shifting beneath the welcome weight of his body.
"I am. And what I don't know, you can tell me, or Inmadra can.
Vivith would probably love the chance to tell me I'm being stupid about something.
We've got a whole new dynamic to work out. I don't mind being put in my place."
His lips had twitched, then, as he studied me. His hand shifted, his thumb tracing the line of my jaw, the plush swell of my lip. "Hm, is that so? And what place do you wish to be in tonight?"
I caught his waist with my hands and rolled, reversing our positions so that he was arrayed beneath me, his dark eyes sparkling, his breath catching in his throat.
He did like it when I moved him forcibly, and while I knew he was strong enough that he didn't have to along with it – stars, I liked that he did.
I studied Araxis, the column of his throat, the halo of his unbound crest, the fan of his dark lashes.
I reached and tilted his chin to one side, dipping my head to press a kiss against his throat, to scrape my teeth against the skin there as a short moan slipped from his mouth.
"I'm exactly where I want to be," I murmured, hoarse, and when he caught my mouth with his, his tongue slick against mine as his hips ground up against me, I didn't have it in me to be afraid about going to Xitera.
I didn't have the space in my body for trepidation.
All I felt was certainty and the pleasant, tight twist of anticipation – of all we might accomplish, together.