27. Ellie
CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN
ellie
“I’D LIKE TO DO a few tests,” the doctor said.
I was ashamed to admit I’d already forgotten her name, and the tag woven into her white coat was currently covered by a stethoscope.
“We’ll draw some blood to check your HCG levels and also do a D-dimer to help identify if there is a concern of thrombosis, and if that might have anything to do with your symptoms, given your history. ”
My stomach roiled, filled to the brim with nerves as I nodded, listening to her explain the function of the D-dimer blood test, something I was more than familiar with. Still, I hung on her every word.
“But we can probably wait for the results of the D-dimer before we make a decision about an ultrasound to check for clots—”
“Or we can just do it now,” Sully interjected, moving closer to the side of my bed.
Actually, any closer, and he would be in it.
“We…could,” the doctor said, her mouth quirking. She looked from Sully back to me. “We could also do that. If you would prefer that, Ellie.”
Sully shifted on his feet next to me, impatient, anxious.
“We can do the ultrasound,” I said after a beat of silence.
“Her D-dimer blood test was negative,” Sully said on the tail end of my words, like he hadn’t been able to hold it in any longer.
“Excuse me?” The emergency physician cocked her head to the side.
“When she had the PE,” Sully explained. “Her D-dimer was negative, or like, didn’t show what it was supposed to. That she had clots. But she did. So, it was wrong. The D-dimer was wrong.”
I glanced at him, surprised he remembered a detail like that, something that had happened before he’d even gotten to the hospital back when I’d had my incident in college.
A detail that had only added to my wariness when it came to medicine and the little rule in my head that told me that I was always going to be the small percentage—that I’d always exist in the small margin of error whenever it was presented.
“Oh, really?”
She looked back to me, and I confirmed with a nod. “I had to push them to give me the D-dimer because I knew something wasn’t right. And then I had to push even harder for the CT since the D-dimer was negative or whatever.”
They’d wanted to send me away with a prescription for anxiety.
“Interesting,” she mused. “I’ll put an order in for the ultrasound, then. But you’re not experiencing any shortness of breath, chest pain, leg pain, correct?”
I nodded. “Correct. Just—” Just…pain everywhere else, it seemed. I shook my head. “Just yeah, no other symptoms.”
“Good.”
Good.
Good.
Good?
I didn’t feel good.
I’d never felt less good.
“In addition to the blood tests, we could also do a transvaginal ultrasound,” she continued.
“With being just under six weeks, you’re right on the cusp of when we might recommend imaging.
But it’s possible it could give you more answers instead of needing to wait a few days to follow up with another blood test.”
I looked to Sully, whose eyes were already focused on me. What I saw on his face, the agony there, made my bottom lip quiver, my breath vanish.
There was a part of me, the same part that had been avoiding the hospital, that longed to delay a moment that felt inevitable. As much as I wanted answers, they terrified me, too.
Something hard and heavy landed in my gut at the thought of a confirmation. Of lost hope.
But it wasn’t fair to either of us to string hope along, either.
“Whatever you want, El,” Sully croaked after a long pause where I couldn’t look away from the anguish in his gaze.
“I’ll do it,” I said, still staring at him. “The ultrasound.”
It was hard to tell for sure, but it looked as though he were holding his breath as he nodded in agreement.
“Sounds good.” She said the words quietly, as if she knew she was interrupting whatever silent conversation we were having. “I’ll go prepare for that.”
I forced my gaze away from Sully’s tormented one to look at the emergency physician, who shifted on her feet, not moving despite her words. And something about her stance made me brace myself for whenever she was about to say.
“Also, I did want to mention that if we do learn you are experiencing a miscarriage, and you’re wanting to try again…
” She looked between Sully and me, and I didn’t have the heart to tell her that our situation wasn’t what she thought it was.
“You might want to talk to your doctor about starting the Lovenox earlier, maybe even when you begin trying. Many tests have shown that doing so can reduce the risk of miscarriage in early pregnancy.”
My breath caught in my throat at her words, and all I could do was blink. Nod. Mumble some kind of acknowledgment that I’d heard what she’d said, and I understood.
I understood the implications of it all too fucking well.
She disappeared after that, and I retreated, raced, into some deep, dark hole in my mind, some make-believe land where I’d gone to the doctor earlier, taken the Lovenox earlier—last night or this morning. Would it have made a difference? Would it have—
“Eleanor, don’t.”
Sully’s deep voice brought me back to reality, but when I glanced up, it was to see Theo popping his head out from behind the drab blue-gray hospital curtain.
“How…?” he started, his words dying off as his eyes bounced between us.
Sully raked a hand through his hair, and I badly wanted to reach out, pull him to me, squeeze his hand, the one that was nervously fluttering. “Hey, man. Just waiting on some tests.”
His brother nodded, clearing his throat. “Is there anything I can do? Need anything?”
“Yeah, actually.” Sully crossed the space toward Theo and then lowered his voice, giving him instructions—something to do with his apartment that I couldn’t quite make out.
My brain went somewhere else, and before I knew it, Theo was clapping Sully on his back in a brief hug and giving my ankle a supportive squeeze before ducking back out of the room.
After his brother left, Sully dragged a chair closer to the hospital bed and sat beside me, resting his head near my shoulder.
“Everything’s going to be okay,” he whispered, but I wasn’t sure who he was trying to convince. “You’re going to be okay. It’s all going to be okay.”
But nothing felt okay.
No matter how many times he said that it would be.