Six Years Ago
ELLIE
“I can’t believe how big she’s gotten,” I said in awe as Natalie walked toward me across the backyard. Behind her, Sully was pushing Chloe on a swing he’d personally installed, looping it over the massive tree branch that stretched across the yard, before his sister had flown home for a visit.
It was a rare visit. These days, Natalie rarely came home, but it wasn’t like I could blame her, given that she was busier than ever. I couldn’t imagine working toward becoming a surgeon while parenting a preschooler.
“I know, and God, is she active,” Natalie said with a tired sigh.
“Good,” I laughed. “They can wear each other out.”
I nodded toward Sully and his niece, who wore almost identical grins. Chloe’s giggling laugh floated across the yard, bringing warmth to the slight chill in the air, and Sully’s soft coos as he talked to her made me want to melt into a puddle.
“He’s such a natural with kids,” Nat said as she followed my gaze. “I don’t know if this is a weird thing to say, but he’s more of a natural than her own dad is.”
My eyes cut to Natalie because, yeah, actually, that was a weird thing to say.
And she seemed to realize it, immediately switching topics.
“So, senior year, huh? Graduation’s certainly speeding toward you.”
A knot formed in my gut, one I was familiar with. One I felt growing tighter anytime anyone brought up the future.
“It sure is,” I agreed.
It was speeding toward me way too fast.
“Any plans yet?” she asked.
I shook my head. “Just that I’ll stick around until Sully’s done, too, and then…” I shrugged. “There’s a few graduate programs I’ve been interested in, so we’ve talked about the idea of moving after he finishes his degree.”
“Oh my God, is one of them the MIT program?” she asked, her voice rising a half octave, eyes lighting up.
“That’s one of them,” I laughed. “But I’m not sure I’ll get in.”
“Oh, you’ll get in.” She waved away that worry. “And then we can be neighbors again.”
I smiled to myself. It was certainly a fun thought.
“Can you imagine that?” Natalie gasped, her gaze glassy like she was imagining it in her head. “And then our kids could grow up across the street just like we did. Ugh, I think that would make my whole life better.”
The knot in my gut tightened, even as I pushed out a breathy, unconvincing laugh.
Natalie seemed to catch wind that something wasn’t quite right because she sobered, rushing to say, “Not that there’s any hurry for kids, of course.
Or that I’m trying to guilt you into coming to Boston, but…
” She shrugged, and there was something about it that made me sad. “I miss you. Both of you.”
“I miss you, too, Nat,” I whispered, giving her a small, encouraging smile.
The thing was, I loved the picture that she was painting. I loved it so much that it hurt to think about.
And it hurt even more to doubt.
It was wretched and agonizing to doubt, actually.
My brain tormented me daily with it—the doubt, the indecision, the anxiety.
And for a second, I thought about saying the scary, quiet parts aloud to my best friend.
I thought about telling her how many doctors had said things to me about pregnancy since my PE, how frightening they made it seem, how careful they told me I needed to be.
I thought about asking her medical opinion, whether she’d ever learned about it or maybe encountered cases like mine.
But I was afraid of her answer, frankly.
And Natalie had handled pregnancy like it was nothing to worry over, like it had been a joy.
I felt such a twisting guilt that all I could summon was dread.
I wished now more than ever that my body hadn’t betrayed me, hadn’t reacted the way that it had.
I knew I was young still, but I’d never been more stressed at the idea that one day I wouldn’t be.
That years would go by, and I would still be this scared, and I’d never be fully ready to trust my body again.
So I’d rather just pretend. That we could have everything Natalie was describing one day. That I could give Sully the future he wanted. The future he deserved.
There was a loud, happy squeal as Chloe flew a little too high in the air, and Sully pulled her back to the ground and quickly unbuckled her from the swing as though it had terrified him a little to see her soar like that.
Then he was picking her up in his arms, making her laugh as he dipped and twirled with her in his arms instead.
It was the future he deserved.