Chapter 3
Chapter Three
January 2025 - Nantucket Island
N ever in her wildest dreams would Jackie have guessed at the happily ever after of Victor and Esme Sutton. But so many years after Joel’s death, Victor’s affair, and Esme’s second marriage, Victor and Esme were at Jackie and Josh’s dining room table, laughing together like the old days.
“You’ve outdone yourself, Jackie,” Esme said of the chicken a la orange. “You have to give me the recipe.”
“But Rebecca cooks everything for us these days,” Victor joked, tapping his napkin across his mouth, his mannerisms similar to Dana Sutton’s from so long ago. “We’re spoiled by our personal chef.”
Rebecca, of course, was their eldest daughter—a daughter who’d spent most of her adult life in Maine not talking to either of them. But Rebecca had lost her husband last year and subsequently followed Victor to Nantucket. Esme had lost her husband, too. She needed them, or so Victor thought.
He’d been right. For the first time in his life.
Now, Jackie considered telling her brother that he resembled their mother, that it was as though her ghost had momentarily inhabited him, but she decided against it. Dana hadn’t been entirely kind to Victor during the latter years of her life. She didn’t come up much. Neither did Dad although Jackie guessed that was for different reasons. Victor hadn’t had a chance to say goodbye to their father. It was an ache that would never go away.
Josh raised a glass to the two of them. His eyes glinted with good humor. “It’s such a pleasure to host the two of you. What are the chances?” He laughed.
Jackie blushed, surprised that Josh had been so forthright.
“We’re just as surprised as you are,” Esme said, grinning.
“It was a road trip of a lifetime,” Victor affirmed.
“Maybe we should go on one of those,” Josh said, side-eyeing Jackie. “I’ve always wanted to see the country like that. What do you say, honey? You want to see the biggest ball of twine?”
Jackie, Victor, and Esme burst into giggles.
But internally, Jackie cursed Josh’s silly idea. He knew better than anyone that Jackie couldn’t just “get away.” She couldn’t leave the real estate office. They were struggling as it was.
This wasn’t anything she would ever share with Victor or Esme. It was private, something better left covered up until it healed. Maybe if she fixed the problem at hand, she could talk about it in a few years and mention it to Victor over Christmas. The agency struggled for a few years there, but we picked ourselves up by the bootstraps and kept it going . Of course, by then, she imagined herself very wealthy and retired. It seemed about as likely as going to the moon.
Josh mentioned to Victor that he’d picked up his most recent book and read it. (This, Jackie knew, was mostly a lie; Josh had read about a quarter of it and abandoned it for a sports memoir.)
“That’s a bunch of garbage.” Victor waved his fork.
“It’s not garbage, Victor,” Esme said. “You worked very hard on your books.”
“The next one is going to be a thousand times better,” Victor declared. “Valerie and I are writing it together. She’s putting me in my place.”
Valerie was Victor and Esme’s youngest daughter—an event planner who’d spent the better part of her adult life out in San Francisco and had even gotten married without telling them.
At least I attended my son’s wedding , Jackie thought, then cursed herself for thinking it.
“But book writing is no good these days. Neither is psychiatry,” Victor said. “I really should have gotten into real estate when I had the chance. Tell me, sis. How’s selling houses to the rich and famous going?”
Jackie filled her mouth with wine, telling herself this was a perfectly reasonable conversation. In fact, it was nice that her brother was taking an interest in her work! But the reality was, she wanted to stand and scream at the top of her lungs, It’s awful! Help!
“Things are going really well,” she said with a slight shrug. “People always want houses in Nantucket.”
“The competition can be fierce, though,” Josh offered.
Jackie cast him a horrible look, one meant to stop him in his tracks. Was he really referring to my real estate competition? Was he really going to infer that I was failing because of the new, local competition?
But a split second later, Josh added, “Sometimes all the celebrities want the same house! They’re calling Jackie one after the other, offering more and more money.”
Oh. That was what he meant. Jackie’s cheeks were hot. She put too much chicken a la orange in her mouth and chewed and chewed while Josh told Esme and Victor more stories about what he called Jackie’s “illustrious real estate career.” He supported her in everything. He was her partner, her life, her love. He wouldn’t throw her under the bus like that. Why had she assumed he would?
I’m jumpy. I need a good night’s sleep , she thought.
After dinner, Victor and Esme stayed for a final glass of wine and ice cream. Jackie wanted them to go so desperately, if only so she could go back to worrying nonstop about everything going wrong in her life. Instead, she found herself asking after each of the girls—Rebecca, Bethany, and Valerie—as her heart burned with jealousy. Although Joel had died, they had their girls back. They’d gotten to know their grandchildren. Their hearts were bursting with love.
It had been fourteen years since Jackie and Josh had seen Ryan.
There was even another little boy in their family. Jackie didn’t know his name.
Esme and Victor held hands on the table and looked at each other, searching for an answer to Jackie’s question.
But rather than answer directly, Victor looked Jackie in the eye and said, “You really should reach out to him. Now that we have the girls back, I curse every day I went without calling them. I curse every hour I missed.” He swallowed, then lowered his gaze. “I’m sorry if that’s too forward.”
Jackie felt like she was going to burst into tears. She bit her tongue.
Josh seemed at a loss, too. A moment of silence passed. Jackie considered throwing Esme and Victor out—but then remembered that that kind of irrational anger came from her mother’s side of the family and was nothing she wanted to entertain.
“I’m sorry,” Victor said after a pause. “It wasn’t my place.”
After that, Esme and Victor finished their wine quickly and hurried out. Esme hugged Jackie tightly and whispered in her ear, “Call me if you want to.” But Jackie knew that she wouldn’t. She wasn’t sure she trusted them as a couple yet. Maybe Esme was already on her way out.
After Victor’s lights disappeared into the black night, Jackie put on her robe, took out her contact lenses, and sprawled on the sofa, watching Josh flick through channels. They were quiet for a long time. Josh seemed to sense she had a lot to process.
Finally, Jackie couldn’t help but say, “Everything seems to be going really great for them, huh?” Sarcasm hung heavy on her words.
Josh turned off the television and looked at her. “They’ve been through a lot. They deserve to be happy.”
Jackie felt a jolt of shame. “I know. I know that.”
Josh got up and walked around the back of the sofa. This way, he could take Jackie’s shoulders into his thick hands and massage them. Jackie let her eyelids drop.
“Things are going to turn around with the business,” Josh whispered. “They always do.”
Jackie bit her tongue again. What she wanted to say was, I’m sixty-three years old. I should be retiring. I can’t find my way out of this. I don’t know how.
Two summers ago, Jackie received what at the time felt like a windfall. Wealthy people asked her to sell their houses, and even wealthier people were in the market to buy them. Suddenly, she jumped from one earning bracket to the next. She dropped clients left and right to deal with the “upper echelon” of Nantucket society. It was a practical business decision. In her mind, she calculated what she needed to retire ASAP—and figured it was right around the corner. Tahiti, here I come , she’d thought.
What had happened? Suddenly, clients on the verge of signing dropped contract negotiations entirely. They stopped answering her calls. They didn’t even tell her why.
On top of that, a few clients decided they no longer wanted to sell their houses. When she’d asked, they’d claimed a change of heart. Some of them had sent frowny face emoji, which had felt particularly infuriating. It was as though this was all a game to them. And maybe for the mega-wealthy, it was.
The weird thing was that it all happened at once. Jackie was left with very few clients to her name. She was left with the sudden realization that the tremendous amount of money she’d thought was coming in very soon was no longer coming at all.
To add insult to industry, a business adviser had given her a fair amount of terrible advice. She’d subsequently plunged into debt. Of course, she’d canned the adviser. But the damage was done.
Now, as Josh massaged her shoulders, he whispered, “You’re going to get out of this. You always do.”
But what did Josh know? Jackie had always had a more lucrative career. Always for retirement, they’d been banking on what she could make rather than what Josh could put away. Josh had gotten injured a few years back and couldn’t work as often. Moreover, he was older than Jackie and probably more than ready to hang up his hat.
But Josh was in a better mood about all of it. Maybe it was because he didn’t feel quite as much pressure as she did. Perhaps he didn’t feel the guilt either.
Later that night, as Jackie and Josh cuddled up in bed, Jackie watched the snow whir past their bedroom window and thought about Ryan, what he was up to, and whether he was safe, happy, and warm. She hoped that his move to Chicago had been the right one. She hoped that one day, he would feel how much she still loved him and pick up the phone and call.
She hoped she’d be ready and wouldn’t feel too spiteful when it happened.
Under her breath, she said, “I don’t want to be like my mother.”
“What, honey?” Josh murmured, half asleep.
Jackie spread her palm out on Josh’s back and whispered, “Nothing, honey. I love you.”
Her love for Josh spread through every limb in her body. It lined her fingers. It defined her life.