18. The Past
The Past
TJ
Reggie’s apartment is sweet.
Well, he has a king-sized bed and his fridge is stocked with food. That’s about as far as I’ve gotten. What more do I need to see?
“Here’s the living room. There’s the kitchen. Bathroom’s down the hall by my bedroom. I don’t keep any money here and I don’t own anything valuable, so there’s nothing for you to steal.”
I open my mouth to respond but he stops me with a raised hand.
“You’re going to go through withdrawals. It’s going to be ugly and you’re going to feel like you’re dying. You’ll get desperate. There’s nothing more dangerous than an addict who’s detoxing.”
“You make it sound so fun.”
“I’ll never bullshit you. All I ask is that you don’t bullshit me.”
I nod.
“There’s clean towels in the bathroom. Go take a shower. You’re filthy and you smell like garbage.” Reggie turns and disappears into the kitchen.
Under the hot spray of the shower, I scrub my skin until it’s raw. No matter how many times I lather myself in soap, I never feel clean enough. I suppose it’s because I can’t wash the memories away. They’re forever burned into my skin like tattoos.
When I think about the events that led me here, it’s as if I’m watching someone else’s life play out. I was a good kid. I had a semi-normal life—lots of kids grow up with alcoholic parents and they end up just fine. Mom and I dealt with Dad as best as we could. I had friends. I got decent grades. I had a home. How did I end up here?
An addict.
Homeless.
What could I have done differently? I spend a long time searching for that answer, until tears sting my eyes. It’s a weird sensation. I haven’t cried since I watched Mom die. Maybe I’m crying now because I’m finally getting the help I need. Or maybe I’m terrified about the future and what’s to come. Nothing good has ever happened to me. How can I trust that this next phase will be any different?
I curl into a ball on the floor of the tub, the sobs racking my body.
I can’t do this. I’m not strong enough.
I have to do this. I don’t have any other options.
They say it doesn’t matter if you lose the battle as long as you win the war. I’ve lost many of the battles in my life. But this feels different. This feels bigger. I guess it’s time I prepare for war.