26. The Past
The Past
TJ
“Please sitdown and try to relax.”
“Relax? You just told me you have cancer and you’re going to die—no, you’re choosing to die. How do you expect me to relax?”
Reggie drags his fingertips across his beard. “I knew you weren’t going to take this well.”
I stop pacing and whip around to face him. “Is there another way to take this? Any sane person would have the same reaction. You have cancer, but you’re not getting chemo. The doctors give you two months tops.” I tap my finger against my chin. “Don’t think there’s a happy reaction to this news.”
“Look, TJ. I know you’re scared—”
“Scared? Try fucking furious. How could you hide this from me? How could you not tell me? You always talk about staying away from situations that might trigger my old habits. Don’t you think death is a major fucking trigger?”
Reggie rubs his temples. “I know this is going to be difficult for you. But I am going to help you through it. You’re not going to fall off the wagon. Everything is going to be fine.”
“Everything is not going to be fine!” My voice cracks, throat trying to swallow around the boulder inside it. “You saved me. How can you turn your back on me like this? You always preach about fighting. Why aren’t you fighting? You’re just giving up. Throwing in the towel. That how it is now?”
“The doctors said the chemo would only prolong my life a little further. It wouldn’t cure me. And it would make those last few months miserable. I’d be sick and in pain. That’s not how I want to go out.”
Rage rips a fresh wound in my chest. I’m spiraling down a dark hole. The only person who had my back in this world is leaving me. I’m back to being alone. Back to a life with no purpose. No help. No love.
Reggie stands and steadies me, holding my face in his huge paws. “You’re going to be all right. You’ve been using me as your crutch for some time. I’ve gotten you this far. The training wheels are off now, and it’s up to you to keep pedaling the rest of the way.”
A flood blurs my vision. “I don’t want to ride without you.”
Reggie pulls me against his shoulder, holding the back of my head with his hand. “I’ll always be with you, son. Always.”
“What if I fuck up and I need you? What happens when you’re not here?”
“You’re not going to fuck up, you hear me?” His grip on me tightens. “Promise yourself you won’t fuck up, and you won’t.”
“How do you know?” I ask between sobs.
“Because I believe in you. Now it’s time you believe in yourself.”