32. The Past
The Past
TJ
“Do you love her?”my therapist asks.
I shrug. “I don’t know. Never been in love before.”
“But you have feelings for her.”
“I do.”
Merritt Adams is the first woman I’ve ever developed feelings for. Twenty-five years of my life and she’s the first one. I knew it from the first moment she walked into my gym.
Tanner brought her to me. Said she was drinking a lot and couldn’t stop. After everything she’d been through, I couldn’t blame the girl for wanting to numb the pain. Her mother abandoned her when Merritt was thirteen. When she turned twenty, her father committed suicide. Slit his wrists in the bathtub. That’s how she found him.
For two months, I’ve trained her.
And for two months, I’ve wanted to make her mine.
“Has she given you the impression that she has feelings for you?”
I shake my head. “But she broke up with her boyfriend.”
“The one in California?”
“That would be the one.” The selfish man that stayed in California to pursue his dream of becoming a rock star, while his girlfriend got drunk every night to try to escape her demons. The same selfish man who let her leave California, alone, at her lowest point, so he could continue living the high life without her.
“What are your thoughts on that?”
He’s a stupid fucking idiot. “Don’t have many thoughts about their relationship. But I want to talk to her now that it’s over. Tell her how I feel.”
“Do you think a former addict like yourself should be with someone who’s still recovering from her own addiction?”
I shrug. “You’re the shrink. I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing. That’s why I’m here. I need your advice.”
He chuckles and slips off his glasses. “You know I can’t tell you what to do, TJ. I offer counseling. Make you ask yourself important questions, see things from different perspectives.”
“But if I want your professional opinion on the matter?”
“Ms. Adams is an alcoholic. I understand why you’re drawn to her. You’ve both experienced the loss of a parent. You’ve both been deeply hurt by the other parent. You see a lot of yourself in her. You share a connection that goes deeper than most. But I’d be worried about your stability if you entered into a relationship with her.”
“And why is that?” I ask.
“I’ve known you for several years now. I’ve learned many things about you. But one thing that sticks out the most is your passion for helping people. You’re a fixer. This stems from the guilt you harbor for not being able to save your mother. Naturally, you’re going to be attracted to people who need help. Damsels in distress, if you will.
“But just because you’re attracted to someone doesn’t necessarily mean you should be with her. It doesn’t mean she’s right for you. The person you should be looking for is someone who doesn’t need your help. Someone who stands strong on her own, and who pushes you to be a better version of yourself.”
I laugh. “Not sure that’s in the cards for me, doc.”
“It might not be. But you owe it to yourself to try.”
Tonight’s a big night.
Merritt recently reconnected with her mother after almost eight years. The first time they talked, Merritt fell off the wagon—got wasted alone in her apartment. Tonight, they’re attempting to talk again. And I’m going to be here to make sure nothing bad happens.
I’m also going to tell Merritt how I feel about her.
My therapist doesn’t think it’s a smart idea. To be honest, I’m not sure it is either. But I feel something I’ve never felt before, and I’d be a fool not to try and see where it could go.
I’m sitting on the steps that lead to Merritt’s apartment, waiting for her mother to leave. I don’t hear any screaming, so I take that as a good sign. An hour passes, and I don’t mind. It gives me time to think about what I want to say.
The door cracks open and her mother steps outside. She pauses when she sees me, probably wondering who the scary man with all the tattoos is. I stand and step aside to let her pass.
Merritt’s head peers out of the doorway, her face twisting in confusion. “How long have you been sitting out here?”
I shrug and shove my shaking hands into my pockets. “It’s a nice night. I wasn’t keeping track of the time.”
She joins me in the brisk air and sits on the top landing, patting the space beside her.
“How did it go?”
“It actually went really well.” Merritt recounts their conversation, and I’m overcome with pride. Instead of slipping into old habits, she sounds stronger. Happier. I can’t help but feel like I had something to do with it. Who knows where she’d be if Tanner hadn’t come to me for help.
Merritt rests her elbows on her knees, propping her head up with her hands. “My mother made me think twice about breaking up with Chase. Now I’m left with this feeling like I don’t know if I made the right choice or not.”
My heart drops down the flight of stairs below. I watch as it tumbles, cracking a little more with each concrete step it hits.
I can’t tell her how I feel. Not if she’s still in love with her ex.
So I do the right thing and say, “To me, the choice is crystal clear. You have to ask yourself one question: Do you love him?”
“Of course I do.”
My chest clenches, nothing but a gaping hole now. “Then you need to fight for what you love. You’re a warrior, remember?”
A smile spreads across her face. The smile that makes my stomach ache whenever I look at her. “Thanks for coming to check on me,” she says.
“Any time, doll face.”
“You wouldn’t be here if you had a life, you know.” She leans in and nudges me with her shoulder, forever teasing me about not having a life outside of work.
“If it weren’t for Chase, you would be my life.” There. I said it. Now she knows. She knows how I feel and she can decide where to go from here.
Her jaw ticks open before she catches it and clamps it shut. Her big brown eyes are wide, locked on mine.
Normally, I tell people to fight for what they want. But judging by the look on her face, she doesn’t feel the same about me. She loves him. The only time you can’t fight for what you love is when she’s in love with someone else.
“I didn’t know,” she says.
“I didn’t want you to know.”
“I’m so sorry. I can’t—”
“I know.” I cut her off because I know what she’s going to say, and it will only hurt more to hear her say it. “I know.”
“You have done so much for me, TJ. I don’t know how I can ever repay you.”
I stand and stretch, attempting to seem nonchalant about this whole thing. “You can repay me by staying sober. Stop running away from your feelings. Your avoidance is your downfall.”
She nods, rising with me. “So, we’re cool? I’ll see you tomorrow at the gym?”
“You will.” I wink and trot down the stairs, collecting the pieces of my heart as I go.
Maybe love isn’t meant for me. After everything I’ve been through, how could I think otherwise?
I’m still a statistic, after all.