20. Avery
20
AVERY
T hese past few weeks have been so good.
Too good, even.
My ex and I are still on the same continent, but he hasn’t tried to contact me at all yet. Madge says he’s in Vegas, but that’s still far enough away that I’m only nervous instead of in full-blown panic mode.
I’ve struck a good balance between my personal and professional lives. I spend enough time at work to get the bills paid, am ahead in my classes, and get to spend a solid amount of quality time with both Leo and my men.
The fact that they’re my teachers definitely helps that balance, but that’s neither here nor there.
They’ve even started coming over before Leo’s bedtime to spend time with the both of us. Things are strictly platonic in front of my son, of course.
Leo’s even started asking me if they could come over to play with him more.
Just thinking about the way they interact with him boosts my confidence as a parent.
It’s not that they’re bad men. I wouldn’t be with them if they were—been there, done that already. Even if it’s just temporary, it’s nice to see Leo be exposed to more examples of healthy masculinity than just my father.
It’s more that it takes three of them to accomplish what I can easily do myself.
Two nights ago at dinner, they decided to help me by getting Leo into his high chair. They barely managed it. Wesley scooped him up but couldn’t buckle him in with how much Leo was wiggling, so Jamie came over to click the little belt over his lap.
Neither of them were able to snap the tray back in place, so Phillip had to jump in and help. By that point, I was laughing so hard I nearly let the food burn.
Last week was even better, though. Leo insisted they be the ones to read him the bedtime stories.
I tried to warn them that he tries to stall going to bed, but they “knew what they were doing”, so I backed off.
That little booger suckered them into reading him nine books instead of three.
“Why didn’t you stop us?” Phillip demands.
“I tried to warn you, but you said you had a degree in understanding the brain and were an expert.” I glance over at Jamie. “And I think you said something like, how much trouble could a two-year-old really be?” I shift my gaze to Wesley. “That leaves me with Mr. ‘I manage a staff of over fifty if you include servers, so one little boy won’t be any trouble.’ Honestly, yours was my favorite of the three.”
I cover my mouth so I don’t wake Leo up with my laughter.
“I think she’s earned herself a spanking with all that sass, don’t you agree, Gentlemen?” he asks.
“I think one for every extra book she let us read will be more than sufficient.” Jamie says cooly.
I look at Phillip, but he just says, “Don’t even try it. I would have doubled that number. You’re getting off easy with just six.”
My stomach collides roughly with the handles of the stroller.
Damn, that hurts.
I was so distracted by the memory of that night that I just ran my stroller into a trash can.
At least it’s empty.
The moment Leo saw my father at the zoo entrance, he’d insisted on being carried around on his Opa’s shoulders. At first, I’d been annoyed because I’d finally gotten him to sit still in it, but now I’m grateful he wasn’t a victim to my distraction.
A lot of people are giving me weird looks as they pass me, and I’m starting to feel exposed.
I look down at my chest anxiously since that's where most people are looking.
Apparently, my collision with the handles managed to yank my shirt down by a significant amount.
Not only am I showing the entire zoo way too much cleavage for a family outing, but they're also getting to see half of my bra, and it's not even a cute one.
What’s even worse is that the three love bites just above my bra—one from each of my men—are on full display.
I shoot a worried look over at my parents. Fortunately, Dad and Leo are too busy gawking at the zebras to notice my mishap, but the look in my mother’s eyes tells me she hasn’t missed a damn thing.
Great. Just great.
“Ma! Ma!” Leo shouts, turning back toward me. “A cow!”
“A cow?”
My brows knit in confusion.
I’m pretty sure the cows are in the children’s section, not the Serengeti exhibit.
Leo starts mooing in delight, trying to get the attention of—well I’m not sure what it is. I’m too short to see.
I use the stroller to help me part some of the crowd so I can get a good look at whatever animal he’s decided is a cow.
Leo makes note of my presence next to him with an affectionate moo and a blown kiss.
“Now, where is this cow?” I ask.
“I’m not sure, but I think he’s talking about those brown animals there,” Dad says, gesturing toward the beast in question.
“Moo!”
“Little bug, I don’t think that’s a cow.”
“Not a cow?” His face falls and his little lip trembles.
“How about we all look in the guidebook we got on the way in? Can you help Ma and Opa find it in there?”
He nods enthusiastically, all sunshine once again.
I wish I knew how to be happy that easily. Maybe one day, I’ll figure out what his secret is.
On that happy note, I flip through the guidebook to the Serengeti section. I point to the zebra.
“Is this the one you saw?”
He smiles and shakes his head “No, Ma.”
I flip to the next page and my dad puts his finger on the rhino.
“It has to be this one for sure. I just know it.”
“No, Opa.” Leo giggles.
“Darn.” He snaps his fingers. “I really thought we had it that time.”
“Okay, okay, I know this animal is the one we’re looking at,” I say, showing him the leopard.
“You’re so silly.”
I poke him in the belly. “No, you’re silly.”
“No, you.” He laughs.
“Alright, for real this time, Leo. Take a good look at that animal out there. Okay, now look at this picture. Are they the same?”
“Yes.” He beams.
“Do you want Ma to read it to you or Opa?”
“Actually, Ma’s going to have to read it, or Oma.” Dad shifts guiltily. “Opa forgot his reading glasses at home.”
“So, who will it be, Little Bug? Ma or Oma?” I ask.
“Oma,” he says decidedly.
“The boss has spoken,” I say, handing the book to my mom with a smile.
“Let’s see here,” she says, clearing her throat. “It looks like what we’re looking at is called a wildebeest, but the native people call them the gnu.”
“Gnu. Moo.”
“That’s right, my little rockstar. Gnu and moo are rhyming words,” she praises. “It also says that they’re related to antelope and cows. So you were super close. How did you get to be such a good watcher?”
“I’m smart.”
She reaches up to pinch his cheek affectionately. “Yes, you are. Did you want to know any more about them?”
“Yes.”
“Yes, what?” I butt in.
“Yes, peas, Oma.”
“Very good.”
He squirms happily at my praise, and I’m pretty sure it’s going to make my heart explode.
“Alright, since we used our very best manners, I’ll tell you some more. The gnu are herbivores.”
“Herby. Herby.” Leo scrunches his face up in concentration. “Herby vore.”
“Very good, Leo. Do you know what that means?” she asks.
He shakes his head.
“It means they eat plants.”
Leo gasps. “I eat plants.”
“Do you?” Mom plants her hands on her hips. “Prove it. What plants do you eat?”
“I have let is, spitch, peas,” he says proudly.
“Wow, lettuce, spinach, and peas? Your mom must love you a lot if she’s giving you all that good stuff to eat.”
“Yes. Ma love me this much,” he says, flinging his arms as wide as they can go.
The confidence and surety with which he says it makes my vision blur with tears.
I turn and take a few steps away so I can pull myself back together without him noticing.
There are some days where I feel like I'm drowning in an inescapable whirlpool of tantrums, potty accidents, and constant demands for attention.
On those days, I worry I'm doing a bad job and that I'm an even worse mother for needing at least five minutes where nobody needs anything from me.
Then there are days like this where I'm reminded of all the good things about parenting my awesome little guy.
I got to hear his cute little giggle when we were being silly together. I got to see his eyes grow wide with wonder as we saw each new animal.
When he saw my parents at the gate—a planned surprise by the three of us—the love and adoration he felt for them was so clear it was like I could feel it too.
All of that was already almost too much to take in, and now he's just shouting to the world how much he's loved?
Damn it, Avery, you're supposed to be stopping the tears, not making them worse.
A warm arm wraps around my shoulders, and I smell my mother's signature floral perfume.
“Everyone tells you that their hurts will make you hurt too. You can prepare for that one. What they never seem to mention—or at least no one mentioned it to me—is how awe-inspiring and heart wrenching it is to realize your baby knows how much they're loved. You're doing such a good job with him, Sweetheart.”
I swipe vainly at my eyes with the back of my hand. “Thank you.”
“You know I love you, right?”
“I do know that, maybe even more so now that I'm a mother myself. I love him more intensely than I ever could have imagined. I know everyone says it, but feeling it is so different from just knowing. And I know you know this already, but I love you too.”
Mom kisses the side of my head. “I know.”
Somehow, that little smooch was enough to set the world right side up again.
I take a slow breath and then head back to the other half of the group arm in arm with my mother.
The rest of the exhibits pass with very little excitement—well, for me, at least.
Leo decided he's far too excited to just sit around on Opa's shoulders. Instead, he's going as fast as his little legs will take him holding tightly to my father's hand.
Those two are inseparable and I wouldn't want it any other way.
“Do you think the two of them will sleep well tonight?”
“There might be a chance of that,” I say, rolling my eyes.
“Speaking of sleeping well, I happened to notice?—”
“Ma! Oma! The snake house!” Leo squeals as he runs back to us.
There is a lot that I'll do for my son. I'd kill for him. I'd die for him. I'll even touch a worm for him, but I will never willingly go into an enclosure full of snakes and other scaly things.
That is a good part of the reason I asked my parents to come along. My father never misses an opportunity to admire reptiles.
Dad even asked me once, and only once, if he could give Leo a lizard or a snake when he gets old enough to have a pet.
I'd told him if it was kept anywhere other than his house, I'd be kicking him out of the family.
I wouldn't really do it and he knows that, but he did get the message loud and clear.
There will be absolutely no snakes in my home.
Ever.
“Let's go.” He puts his hands on his hips impatiently.
“Actually, Little Bug, your mom and I are going to rest our feet on that bench right by the reptile house.”
“You scared like Ma?” he asks.
“No.” My mother smiles. “I just want to keep her company, that's all. I feel like we'll have lots to talk about while you and Opa are in there.”
And here I thought I'd avoided that conversation.
Once Leo and Dad disappear into the reptile house, my mother wastes no time starting in on me.
“I know what I saw when you crashed into the trashcan and I know that you know I saw it. What's going on? Have things gotten serious with the man from the club? If they have, why didn't you tell me? If they aren't, you're being safe, right? The last thing I want is for you or Leo to get hurt.
“And who are these men that Leo’s started talking about? Are they new friends from the Academy? Did you meet them at work? Or is one of them the person you've been seeing?”
The questions come one after the other so fast, I'm not sure how she's managing to breathe.
Maybe I should have braved the reptile house after all.
“I promise I will answer all your questions, but I need you to try and keep an open mind, okay?”
“I can do that.” She nods.
It's clear as I tell her the G-rated version of how things unfolded with my teachers that this wasn't even close to what she was expecting me to say.
I search her face for any sign of disappointment or disgust, but all I see is worry.
“And they're actually okay with you seeing all three of them?”
“They were the ones who suggested it, actually.”
“Okay, so all four of you are, uh, together sometimes?”
“Do you actually want the answer to that question?” I ask, raising an eyebrow.
“No, not really. You're all consenting adults and it's not my business. I just—It's irrational, but I feel like if I know everything, I can protect you better. There are some things that are better left private. The question just slipped out. It was rude. I'm sorry.”
“I forgive you, especially since I know it's because you care about me,” I say, giving her hand a squeeze.
“Avery, I really am worried. After everything that went on with Kyle, and now this thing with three men? Are you sure you know what you're doing? I mean, one of them is only five years younger than your father. I don't know what's in your mind or in your heart, but from the outside, it looks extremely reckless.”
I feel a prickle of anger under my skin, but her concerns are reasonable. If Leo came and told me all of this one day, I'm sure I'd react the same way.
So instead of snapping at her, I count to ten and get myself settled before answering her.
“It wasn't something I'd planned. It just happened. We have an undeniable connection. They respect my boundaries and understand that for me, Leo always comes first. They build up my confidence and treat me like I'm a whole person. How they treat me versus the way Kyle did is like night and day. I don't know how serious things will get or if it will ever become more than just exclusively dating, but right now, I'm happier than I've been in a while. Could you and Dad just give us the benefit of the doubt? They're good people.”
She sighs. “I suppose that's not too much to ask. I just?—”
“Worry. I know, but this isn't like it was with Kyle. I know if you just met them, you'd understand—or start to, anyway,” I say.
“Alright, we’ll do it.”
“Do what?”
“What you just said. Your father and I will meet them and see for ourselves. You pick a time and a place, and we'll show up.”
“I'll talk to them about it tonight.”
“Wonderful.” She smiles.
This is probably the best outcome that could have happened, so why am I feeling so nervous?
I guess I really should have braved the reptile house…