17. Ford
17
Ford
I never thought I’d reach a point in my life where I’d actually be grateful to be sitting in a car next to Miles Bennett, yet here we are. Then again, it’s definitely better than the excruciating awkwardness at the Timberline tonight. It was obvious that Ronnie and Pete’s over-the-top affection was clearly a desperate attempt to make us believe everything was fine, but given the tense atmosphere, it was obvious that none of us were buying it.
From the driver’s seat, I glance in the rear-view mirror and catch a glimpse of Blair lost in thought, her gaze fixed out the window at the passing scenery, which given that we’re in Evergreen, isn’t anything special. Unfortunately, I have a pretty good idea what she’s thinking about, since I’m doing the same as we all sit quietly and half-heartedly pretend to listen to the song playing on the radio.
“Thanks for being the designated driver tonight,” Miles says, his voice cutting through the awkward silence as I pull into the parking lot of his apartment complex.
“No problem. I’ve never been a big drinker anyway, so it’s not a big deal. It’s kind of like my designated job anyway,” I ramble.
While I’ll have a drink or two every now and then, I still feel compelled to show Miles that I’m not some delinquent and that he should be glad his sister has someone like me. I hate that I’m still stuck in this perpetual cycle of needing to prove myself to him, but I just can’t seem to stop.
“On that note,” Miles says before clearing his throat, obviously eager to get out of my car as he swiftly unbuckles his seatbelt and opens the door just as quickly.
So much for my attempt at making a good impression. Then again, it’s not like I was trying to prove to Miles that I’m some well-spoken Casanova—nobody could ever accuse me of being that.
Having been so absorbed in Miles, even I startle when he taps the back window to get Blair’s attention. Looking through my mirror once more, she finally seems to come out of the trance she’s been lost in.
My brows furrow. “You okay?”
“Oh,” she starts, her eyes flickering with confusion as she blinks a few times before shaking her head to clear her thoughts as she brings herself back to reality. “Yeah, sorry. I think I just…” she trails off as Miles opens the car door.
“You coming?” he asks.
“Actually, I think I need a minute,” she tells her brother before meeting my eyes in the mirror once more. “Do you mind hanging around for a few minutes?”
“Yeah, sure. Of course.” I nod.
Miles seems to hesitate, concern etching his features, but he gives in with a firm nod. “See you in a few.” He shuts the door and sends us off with a small wave before heading up the stairs toward his apartment.
Taking initiative, I quickly maneuver the car into a nearby parking stall, figuring it best not to linger in the middle of the lot. “So what’s up? What’s going on in that head of yours?”
“I don’t even know. I’m just so worried, Ford,” she says, her face etched with a seemingly permanent frown, the lines of concern somehow deepening. “When I came home, I expected everything to be one way, and I wanted to believe that everything that’s happened, happened for a reason and that you were happy, and Ronnie was happy too. It didn’t matter that it felt like I was being left behind and you two were progressing while I stayed the same. To me, if you both were happy and living the dream, then it was fine. Instead, it’s been the opposite. You’re going through a divorce or separation”—she casually waves as she spins her hand in a small circle—“or whatever it is, and then to find Ronnie marrying a guy who’s taken away all the amazing and beautiful things that make her so special, it just…it sucks, and it hurts, and I hate this, and I feel so powerless to stop it.”
“I hate it too,” I assure her, my hand itching to reach out and offer comfort, but given our positions in the car, it isn’t it all that easy. Unable to bear it any longer, I propel myself out of my seat and clumsily shuffle into the back, plopping down beside her as I hastily adjust my glasses and settle in.
In the past, I probably would've felt stupid for doing this or pushed myself into overthinking and not doing it, but as I watch her lips curve upward into a smile, I know I made the right decision. “So yeah, maybe we should think about having some kind of intervention with Ronnie to make sure she’s happy, but if there’s one thing I unfortunately had to learn on my own, it was that I had to make my own choices and mistakes to learn what I truly wanted.”
“And did you actually find out?”
My brows pinch together in confusion. “What?”
“You said your mistakes led you to finding out what you really wanted, so did you do it? Do you finally know what you truly want?”
You . That’s what I want to say, but given the current strange and disordered state of things with Ronnie, it almost doesn’t feel right to say it just yet. “Maybe,” I lie instead. “If anything, I now know what I don’t want. It isn’t like I have everything figured out, but it finally feels like I’m heading in the right direction.”
“And you don’t think we can help Ronnie figure this out before she makes too huge of a mistake too?”
“Well, I can’t exactly say that you doing something similar on my actual wedding day helped me all that much.”
She lets out a frustrated breath and rolls her eyes. “Yeah, well, clearly I waited too long and was too late. Maybe if we sit her down before the actual wedding day, we can stop it before it goes too far.”
I hesitate. Would I have stopped the wedding from happening if Blair had told me earlier instead of waiting just minutes before I was supposed to walk down the aisle? “Maybe,” I concede. “But do we really think Ronnie is the type of person to be talked out of something she has her mind set on? You two are practically the same person, and I highly doubt you could be talked out of anything, especially when you felt like it was the right thing for you.”
“You’re probably right,” she agrees with another sigh. “But if there is one thing I’ve learned, it’s that there’s nothing worse than having regrets. While I still look at your wedding day as one of my most embarrassing and traumatizing moments, I’m glad I did it; otherwise I would’ve spent the last two years wondering ‘what if?’”
“Well, unfortunately for me, I’m now the one living in that ‘what if’ scenario. I still wonder how different our lives would’ve been if I’d actually done what I’d really wanted to do that day and called off the wedding and ran off with you instead of walking down that aisle.”
Her face goes pale as her eyes widen in surprise. “What you really wanted to do?” she repeats.
“Obviously. You had to have known that my feelings were mutual. I’ve always been in love with you, Blair,” I say. Without thinking, my hand reaches out as I place it on top of her own, my fingers falling perfectly between hers, almost like a missing piece of a puzzle that’s finally been solved. “It just felt like it was too late, and despite wanting to run, I couldn’t do that to Jenny, not on her wedding day,” I say, my voice softening into a regretful whisper.
Her eyes fall to our interlocked fingers as I brush my thumb against hers. “I loved you, too, and I want to say that I understand, but selfishly, I have to ask about me and my feelings. You say you couldn’t do that to Jenny, but what about me? Was I not worthy of any consideration?” she asks, her eyes slowly rising until they meet mine.
“That’s not fair and you know it,” I challenge as I feel her pulling her fingers away from mine, but instead of letting her off the hook, I reach for her hand and grip it tightly. “You waited too long, Blair. I would’ve chosen you had you truly given me the chance, but you left me first. You left Evergreen Grove and followed Max all around the country. So I wasn’t the only one that chose someone else. You did the same exact thing, and you did it first.”
She pulls her hand away from mine more forcefully. “Are you serious?” she scoffs. “Because that’s not how it went down and you know it ,” she echoes, repeating back the words I’d just used on her.
“What are you talking about?” I ask, my voice rising in frustration. Rewriting history is the last thing I’m going to let her do. “Of course, that’s exactly how it went down. We kissed on graduation night, then we left on our graduation trip the next day to that music festival, and it was like you couldn’t get away from me fast enough.”
She stares at me as if I’m the biggest idiot in the world, and maybe I am, but I remember everything about that trip. Watching her fling herself at that musician right after I’d finally started to believe that I was on the verge of having the person I’d always wanted left me utterly confused and emotionally shattered.
She scoffs. “Yeah, because you kissed me, and I thought that was it. I was finally going to be your person, and then Jenny showed up, and it was like I was once again your second choice.”
Now it’s my turn to stare at her. “My second choice?” I ask, throwing my hands into the air. “Blair. You’ve never been the second choice. Yes. I’ll be honest. I did love and care about Jenny, but she never held a candle to you. In fact, I think that’s why she finally ended things. She has, unfortunately, always known where she stood. Even with you not talking to me these past few years, you were always the main source of all of our big fights.”
I hate admitting this to her, since the last thing I want to do is blame my failed marriage on something Blair had no control over, but it’s the truth. Despite how hard I tried to move past my feelings for my old friend, it was impossible, and Jenny, unfortunately, knew that too.
Her head shakes, mouth slightly agape, as she tries to process what I’m saying. “I can’t do this. Not tonight,” she says, moving to turn toward the door as she reaches for the handle.
I should let her go. I should let her walk away once and for all. That would be the smartest decision here, but when it comes to Blair Bennett, I could never be accused of being a smart man. Instead, I reach for her arm one more time, pulling her into me and pressing my demanding lips to hers.
I fully anticipate her resistance, but she completely surrenders into my embrace, her body melting into mine. I would’ve even understood if she wanted to slap me, but instead, her hand lands gently on my cheek as her lips greedily press against mine.
I lose myself in the smell and taste of her. Her presence has always been accompanied by a heavenly aroma of vanilla and honey, but it’s nothing compared to the delicious taste of her lips. Sure, there is a slight hint of alcohol, but I can truthfully say that’s not what’s so intoxicating about her in this moment.
This isn’t our first kiss, as we did share one back in our teenage years. However, that sweet and innocent kiss pales in comparison to the passion and fiery intensity of this moment.
No longer hesitant like before, I fully embrace the moment and draw her closer to me, yearning for her heat and her touch. She seems to feel the same way as she easily crawls into my lap, her knees straddling my thighs while my hands tightly grip her waist.
Despite being in the middle of a parking lot with the risk of being seen, the passionate collision of our lips consumes my full attention. My hands are also on a mission of their own: one slides lower, giving her ass a light squeeze, while the other slowly slides up her back before cupping the nape of her neck.
My tongue caresses her bottom lip, silently pleading for entry, and she eagerly welcomes me, deepening our kiss. Her hand moves from my cheek up and into my hair, giving it a light tug. I try not to smile into the kiss, but ultimately fail.
She’s everything I’ve ever wanted, and this moment is a dream come true as I feel her body and hips grind into mine, where I’ve long since grown hard, as a soft panting moan escapes her lips. My eyes close, and I feel myself wanting to drift away.
I don’t want to stop. In fact, it almost feels impossible, but as I’m hit with an overwhelming feeling to do the right thing, I bring my hands back to her waist and carefully peel my lips away from hers. Despite the strong desire to delve into these suppressed emotions and experiences that I’ve been craving for way too long, I recognize that now is not the opportune time. Nor would it be appropriate for me to try in her current state. Not only has she been drinking tonight, but I know she’s extra emotional with everything going on with Ronnie.
“Wait one second,” I beg. If I don’t do this now, I’ll never be able to stop . “I’m not sure this is the best idea.”
I’m not sure what she was expecting me to say, but that clearly isn’t it, as her eyes go from glassy to dark in a matter of seconds and narrow. “You’re the one who kissed me,” she hisses.
“No, I know. I wanted to, and I still want to but I’m not sure…” I start as I reach a hand to adjust my glasses that had gone askew during the heat of the moment.
She interrupts. “Don’t worry. I get it,” she huffs, placing her hands on my chest as she pushes herself up and off me.
I reach for her once again, not willing to let her leave before we talk this out. “Blair, wait.”
“Don’t. Just don’t,” she says, lifting a hand to stop me as she reaches for the door and practically shoves it open.
“Blair. I don’t think you get it.” Now that the door is open, I probably shouldn’t be speaking so loudly, especially since I sound so incredibly desperate, but by all definitions, I am. This can’t be how this already shitty night ends. “This isn’t about me not wanting you.”
She waves me off as she steps out of the car and turns back to face me. “Oh, I get it. Believe me, I get it. If there’s anyone out there who gets it, it’s me.”
“No, you don’t,” I argue. This was not how I wanted this night to end. “Clearly, you don’t get it at all. I want to be with you, in every single way, but…”
“But nothing. There’s a reason we’ve never worked in the past, and I momentarily let myself get distracted, thinking we could somehow work, but we can’t. End of story!” she shouts before slamming the door in my face.
Maybe she’s right. Maybe we can’t work, but that is not what this is about, and it’s also why I refuse to let her walk away from me all over again. I waste no time opening my own door and chase after her as she hurries toward the stairs at record speed. “Blair, please. Just let me explain.”
“No, Ford. You need to stop,” she says, thankfully halting as she turns to look down at me from the steps above.
I open my mouth to speak, but the door above opens and Miles’ intimidating frame comes into view. “Everything okay out here?” he asks, a worried but protective glance moving back and forth between the two of us.
That guy could easily pummel me to death, but I’m willing to risk it. Clearly, I’m also not above begging. “Yes, or no…I don’t know, but Blair, can we please talk about this? You have it all wrong.”
Blair purses her lips as she looks at me for a few seconds before turning to look up at her brother. “No, I’m done with this conversation.”
My shoulders sink as I watch her walk the rest of the way up the stairs. The one upside is that instead of looking at me like he wants to kill me, Miles at least looks vaguely conflicted as he wraps an arm around his sister’s shoulder before leading her inside and shutting the door.
“Fuck!” I curse, my frustration at an all-time high as I lift my hands and place them behind my head and grab a fistful of hair in each hand. So much for trying to do the right thing. There’s nothing I would’ve loved more than to keep going, but there was something that hadn’t felt right. I love Blair way too much to ever put her in a position where I could somehow take advantage of her.
She deserves so much more from me than an emotional hookup in the back of my car. If we’re ever going to cross that line, I need her to be sure. I refuse to be yet another mistake in her life.
Then again, I’m pretty sure I just blew whatever chance I had for anything real to ever happen between us. Even so, I’d do what I just did a thousand times over. Blair deserves so much more, even if I inadvertently hurt her in the process. I just have to hope that when things settle down, she’ll give me a chance to explain myself.