13. Alana
The problemwith having spent three days of being practically draped over Hudson, was now that his mom (his mom!!) was coming to visit, Alana had to once again pretend everything was super normal and nothing was weird, which was easier said than done. Hudson seemed entirely unconcerned about the fact that his mother was coming to visit, so either he was just clueless or his mother was not Judy Bruckner. Alana suspected it was the latter. And it wasn’t like Hudson’s mom knew they were married, so Alana wasn’t going to have to pretend to be in love with him. Which was good, because Alana was not great at pretending to be in love with Hudson.
At least, that”s what she told herself, because it would be a lot weirder if she found the whole ”pretend to be in love” thing easy.
She had other things she could and would concern herself with that did not involve contemplating how good it had felt to have Hudson there while she had her period. That was a thought for a different Alana to worry about.
“I am overthinking Hudson”s mom coming to visit, right?” She texted the girls.
“Absolutely,” Ophelia replied. “It”s not like she”s moving in or anything. She”s just visiting her kid. Who you happen to live with.”
“And am legally bound to.” Alana said.
“But she doesn”t know that,” Matilda pointed out.
“But I do.”
“Alana, she”s not your mom. JP says she”s his favorite mom, which, considering he only has dads, may not hold the same weight, but still. Not. Your. Mom.” Shannon texted.
Alana leaned gingerly back in her office chair. “Ugh, I know. And I pay Lane so much money to remind me that not everyone has my mom as a parent.”
“Then possibly listen when Lane tells you things?” Matilda said. “He seems to know what he”s talking about.”
“Ugh, I hate when all of you are reasonable.”
“That”s the first time someone”s called me reasonable in MONTHS,” Ophelia said. “I”m marking this day on my calendar.”
Hudson”s eyes nearly fell out of his head when he came into the kitchen later that evening and found Alana on her hands and knees, scrubbing the front of the cabinets. “Alana, what the fuck are you doing?”
“Cleaning.”
“For Passover? That”s not for months.”
“No, for your mom.”
Hudson crouched down next to her, and gently removed the rag from her hand. “If my mom found out that you had been scrubbing a cabinet three days after you almost passed out from pain, she will not only kick your ass, but kick mine as well.”
“Why yours?”
“Because I didn”t stop you. This is not me being selfless and a good person. This is entirely self preservation.”
Alana leaned back against the counter and tried not to wince. “She”s not gonna find out, because when she comes over, we lie and apologize for not having time to clean the apartment.”
Hudson sat down next to her, looking utterly bewildered. “Okay, so first, I don”t lie to my mom. Sure, I will conveniently forget to tell her things, or leave important details out of stories, or just not necessarily give her a day to day rundown of my life. Namely, the fact that I got married to you. But I don”t actively lie to her. And second, you think she”ll believe that we ”didn”t have time to clean” if the entire apartment smells like Fabuloso?”
“That”s why you start baking a cake or put up a simmer pot before, to mask the smell of freshly cleaned floors,” Alana said.
Hudson sighed. “God, your mom sounds exhausting.”
“Where do you think I got it from?” Alana joked, although there were times she wasn”t sure how much of a joke it was.
“We are gonna unpack that statement on a couch and not the kitchen floor,” Hudson said, standing up and reaching a hand down to her.
“Nothing to unpack,” Alana said as she took his hand and tried not to think about how nice it was to be touching him again. “It was a joke.” She stood up, and let go of his hand. She was not going to make things weird.
It was entirely possible things had already gotten weird, but that was a little too late now. “Fine, we don’t have to bleach the whole apartment or anything. But at the very least, we can have this place looking like I wasn”t just sick for three days.”
“But you were,” Hudson argued. “It”s not like she”s at work. She doesn”t expect to be able to eat off the floors.”
“What was it like to grow up with a regular mom?” Alana asked, settling gingerly onto the couch. “That was only sort of a joke question.”
Hudson shrugged. “It”s the only childhood I had,” he said. “But it was weird. That was more to do with all the heart related things than my mom being my mom. Although the sex talk I had was probably a little more thorough and scientific than most peoples” were. And I got a full sex ed chat for any genders. We all did.”
“Would it be weird if I adopted myself into your family?”
“From an incest standpoint, probably.”
Alana began to laugh almost hysterically. “I almost forgot we were married. For like, a half a second I was wondering what you meant about incest.” She shook her head. “I hate to say it, but maybe JP is right.”
“Shhh,” Hudson hushed her, slapping his hand over her mouth. “He might hear you.”
“He already sent me a Google Calendar invite called ‘Marriage Boot Camp’, so what else can he possibly do?”
Hudson raised a single eyebrow. “Are you really asking that?”
“Very much not,” Alana mumbled. Was the thought of Hudson covering her mouth one she was going to use later for nefarious purposes? Normally, yes, but he was home and when it came to thinking about him, Alana was...well, she wasn”t that quiet.
“It”s just your mom,” she said. “It”ll be fine.”
It was not fine.
Hudson”s mom was a delight, and Alana was both equally terrified of her and wanted to change her whole life to do whatever it took to become a woman like that.
“Oh, it”s my favorite youngest child!” she exclaimed when Hudson opened the door for her the next evening. “Although the title is pending, considering you moved and didn”t even bother telling anyone.”
“It”s okay, JP can be your favorite,” Hudson said, hugging his mom.
“Pfft, he didn”t tell me anything either.” She bustled into the apartment. “As much as I”d like to stay here for the next six to twelve hours and hear about every single thing that”s going on in your life, Sarah”s daughter”s engagement party is tonight and I am working tomorrow.”
“Wow, nice to know where I fall on your priority list, Mom.”
“Hudson!” Alana gasped. If she ever would say anything like that to her mom, she’d first have to listen to a lecture from both parents about disrespecting her mother, and then she’d have to endure months of her mother bringing it up at the slightest non-issue. There was nothing her mother loved than taking anything that Alana said, twisting it up until it didn’t even remotely resemble the original statement, and then use it as ammunition for as long as she got use out of it, or until Alana slipped up and said something else her mom could use.
Hudson looked entirely unbothered, as did his mom. “Am I wrong, though?” Hudson asked.
His mom laughed. “Always such a dramatic baby. Almost like we encouraged it or something. Can”t imagine what we were thinking.”
“That I had a hole in my heart, and that I was a delicate little angel baby?”
“Possibly,” his mom agreed. “You look good, honey. Well rested.” She peered up at him. “Are you drinking enough water?”
Hudson rolled his eyes. “Yes, Ma, I am hydrating appropriately.”
She grinned. “I know. I trained you well.”
What the fuck was going on? Sure, Alana had seen people with good relationships with their parents, but this was baffling.
Was this how people who liked their parents acted?
God, she was going to be unpacking this shit with Lane. Not the part where she was maybe going to spend a little time moping later that Mrs. Miller wasn”t going to be her mother-in-law forever.
Holy shit, she had a mother-in-law.
What was one supposed to do with those?
Well, technically it didn”t matter, it wasn”t like she was actually married to Hudson. This was purely a temporary solution.
And fuck, if that reminder didn”t depress the shit out of her.
Having her period really fucked a lot of things up for Alana. Primarily, her feelings.
“Alana,” Mrs. Miller greeted her cheerfully. “So wonderful to meet you. Hudson”s told me so much about you.”
So this was how she died. From a heart attack.
Hudson shook his head frantically from behind his mom.
“I”m sure it was a lot of pretty lies,” Alana said. “It”s great to meet you, too.”
“Nah, if he had been complaining about you, I wouldn”t have said anything,” Mrs. Miller said.
The doorbell rang before Alana could insert both of her feet directly into her mouth.
“It”s probably JP,” Hudson said, going to check. “He felt your presence.”
“That”s both flattering and nightmarish,” Mrs. Miller replied. The door opened, and there was not only JP, but Jazmine Currant.
Holy shit, Jazmine Currant was walking into her apartment? Alana was going to be so chill about all of this, she really was. Sure, Jaz and JP had been working together for a few years, but it wasn”t like Alana was ever at their former apartment. Not just because of her weird relationship with Hudson, but she wasn”t friends with JP like that.
Which had been changing, especially now that he lived downstairs from her, and she was now living with his old roommate.
But Jazmine Currant? Current chart topping musical icon in the making? In her apartment?
Honestly, she probably would have freaked out more if not for the fact that Jaz was currently hugging Alana”s mother-in-law. Almost as if they knew each other already.
“Now your real favorite youngest child has arrived,” Hudson said, closing the door behind JP.
“I would never say that,” Mrs. Miller said, holding Jaz in her arms, leaning back to get a good look at her. “I like the new hair, honey.”
“Thanks, Mrs. M.” Jaz beamed at her. “JP mentioned you were here and I insisted on crashing your party. When was the last time I saw you? Rosh HaShanah?” She turned to Alana, stuck a hand out. “Alana, right? Jazmine. So great to finally meet you! I”ve heard the best things about you.”
“Great to meet you,” Alana replied. “And I could say the same thing about you.”
“JP was saying nice shit about me?”
“Nah, it was Hudson.”
“Makes sense, he is my favorite.”
JP nodded. “Hudson is her favorite.”
Same, Alana almost said, and then remembered she wasn”t supposed to be pretending to be in love with Hudson. Except for how much pretending was really happening now that even though she knew Jazmine didn”t mean that Hudson was her favorite from a romantic standpoint, she still kind of hated her now?
God, Alana, just be normal. But that shit was a lot easier said than done.
Pretend your mom is here, she told herself, and shifted into what Shannon used to call Robot Hostess. “Come and make yourselves comfortable,” she offered, “instead of all of us clustered around the front door.”
Mrs. Miller sidled over to her. “How are you feeling?” she asked quietly.
“I”m fine,” Alana practically chirped. “Great.”
Mrs. Miller raised one eyebrow, and in that moment, Alana could see Hudson”s face plainly in his mother”s. Genetics were weird. “I”m trying not to overstep here, and I don”t want to complicate your relationship with my son–”
Alana was going to melt through the floor and she was going to die.
“But you do know he called me earlier in the week to ask if he had to take you to the hospital, right?”
“Sure,” Alana said, not knowing at all that Hudson had been doing that.
“From that capacity. Are you doing better?”
“I went into work today.”
Mrs. Miller laughed. “That only means so much.”
Alana shrugged. “You”re not wrong.” She paused, thought back to how Hudson seemed to always know what to do, anytime she needed him. “Thank you for all the advice you gave him. It was really helpful.”
“Oh, there wasn”t that much. Mostly I just told him to trust you when it came to you needing to go to the hospital.”
“That was all?”
“Yeah. And then reminded him that both of you should stay hydrated.” She grinned. “Not that he needed that reminder. If there”s one thing a Miller child knows, it”s the importance of hydration.”
So all of Hudson taking care of her had just been...him.
How the hell had he known what to do? How had he been so attuned to her and her body?
“So, who”s getting married?” JP asked as they all settled onto the couches. “Which one of Hudson”s eleven thousand cousins?”
“Oh, no, no cousins, my friend Sarah”s daughter. You remember Sarah?”
“She”s the one who dropped off potato latkes the first Hanukkah we lived in the last apartment?” JP asked.
“Yes.”
“Aren”t all her kids married? I played at one of the weddings.” JP looked perplexed.
“Her youngest.”
“But she”s a baby!”
“Because you are fossilizing as we speak.”
“Well, it”s not like I”m married or anything,” JP said. “That would be a terrible idea.”
Alana was going to murder him, and she was maybe not going to wait until Hudson”s mom had left.
“There are worse things that can happen than you getting married,” Mrs. Miller pointed out. “Like murder.”
Alana tried and failed to contain her laughter.
“And this was why when I found out Mrs. M. was here we had to come crash,” Jazmine whispered to her. “She”s the best.”
“I didn”t know you could be a mom like that,” Alana whispered back.
“Same,” Jazmine agreed. “Also, is it weird if I tell you that I follow you on Instagram with my finsta?”
“Uh, no, I would be so incredibly flattered but also confused?”
“Your nails are great. I”m working up the courage to slide into Ophelia”s DMs,” Jazmine said.
“Courage?” Alana gaped at her. “Jaz, you know that Ophelia”s friends with JP, right?”
“Yeah, but I don”t want to make it weird.”
“Make what weird?”
Jazmine sighed. “Sometimes your friends have friends who are nice and well meaning until they get a whiff of fame.”
“Ophelia was a child prodigy,” Alana said. “She”s one of those kids who started college at eleven.”
“Holy shit, for real?” Jazmine”s mouth dropped open. “That”s a career pivot if I”ve ever heard one.”
“Seventeen years in academia and research was enough for her.” Alana shrugged. “So she”s got her own baggage to carry. You can definitely slide into her DMs. Or just let me know when you”re around next and we”ll try to overlap that with my next nail appointment.”
“Awww, the girlies are becoming friends,” JP cooed.
Jazmine rolled her eyes. “It”s a good thing you”re a genius, JP, because you are a pain in my ass.”
“He”s just trying to rile me up in front of Hudson”s mom,” Alana replied, unbothered by JP being JP, as long as he kept his fucking mouth shut about the whole marriage situation. ”It brings him joy.”
”I would never,” he protested. ”Never would I do anything as underhanded to make you look bad so I can continue to be Mrs. M”s favorite child by proxy.”
”I feel flattered,” she deadpanned. Her phone buzzed. ”And there”s Becky.”
”Aunt Becky”s also coming over?” Hudson asked.
Another relative? Dear God. It was Hudson with the heart issues, but Alana was going to be the one who keeled over.
”No, she doesn”t have time. But she sends her love and she says she misses you and you should go visit her and Uncle Shimon soon.”
“Mom, she lives in Brooklyn. That’s so far.”
“Oh, my sweet little city child,” Mrs. Miller said. “Forgetting your roots.”
“Great Grandpa Irving lived on the Lower East Side,” Hudson protested.
“He also lived in Russia, where you also didn’t live.”
“And if Aunt Becky lived there, I’d also complain about how far it took to get there.”
“A Long Island boy through and through, bub. You and Billy Joel.” Mrs. Miller tapped a quick text on her phone. “Dad sends his love, and says he might have a new place for you to pick up supplies. I told him he should text you but he said I was seeing you tonight anyway so I should be the one to tell you.” She shook her head. “Not that he told me where it was or anything, so you can call him and he can tell you himself. I think it’s near Patchogue somewhere?”
“Patchogue is a real place?” Jazmine asked.
“We’ve been failing you, if you don’t know Patchogue is real. When the weather’s nice, Hudson, bring your friends to visit again.”
“We’re not going to go to Patchogue just because Jaz doesn’t believe it’s real.”
“Jessica can take her.”
JP snickered. “Are you ever going to give up your quest in setting up Jessie and Jazmine?”
“I think they’d be friends,” Mrs. Miller protested.
“Yeah, what kind of friends?”
“That is not my business, John Paul,” she replied.
“What if Jessie wanted to date me?” JP asked.
“I can assure you she wouldn’t.”
“Maybe she’ll change her mind. But not in the ‘won’t be a lesbian anymore’ kind of way.”
“What other way is left?” Hudson asked.
“I dunno, haven’t you ever…done things with a person who was a gender you weren’t attracted to just because you were bored?” JP paused, looked at Hudson. “Actually…”
“Bro.”
Alana stifled a giggle. Hudson’s accent thickened dramatically when he was talking with his mom, and she wasn’t sure that he noticed. But that ‘bro’ flung at JP sounded like every SantaCon dude, drunk in Penn Station, waiting for the LIRR.
“Yeah, you haven’t met a gender you’re not attracted to,” JP continued.
“Thank you, JP, for stating the obvious,” Hudson deadpanned. “And stop hoping my sister will one day wake up and feel the urge to sleep with you. That will not be happening.”
“And we can change the topic from the two of you talking about the sex lives of my children,” Mrs. Miller said. “And don’t say I started, JP, because I did not.”
Alana tried to keep her snickering to a minimum, and failed miserably.
Maybe other people’s moms weren’t all the worst.