Chapter 8 #2
‘But… so much of it is still there. It’s like my conscious brain wants to know what all the fuss is about, feels angry about having missed out on so much, even.
But my subconscious is still carrying around all that weight and guilt, and I catch myself making assumptions sometimes without even having been aware of making them.
Like, sex should be an act of love. Or it should be with a faithful partner.
Or that wanting anything outside of that is dirty.
Wrong. Or… I’m diminishing myself slightly by even considering something like this place. ’
I suppose one of the nice things about speaking to someone who runs a sex club is that they’ve presumably seen it all.
Just as Genevieve presumably doesn’t judge people who want to sleep with anything that moves, she doesn’t seem to be judging my own judgemental, prudish baggage.
She just nods and wrinkles up her nose like she gets it, and she knows it’s rough.
‘I’m not a psychotherapist,’ she says, ‘but I can imagine that when you’ve had such a clear message reinforced by every adult in your life, for the entirety of your childhood and adolescence, it’s incredibly difficult to throw off those shackles.
But I can also see that you’re a smart, thoughtful young woman. ’
She takes a sip of her coffee before continuing.
‘Belle, the only person whose viewpoint matters here is yours. Not your parents, not your former teachers, not the Church. Not anyone you might meet here. You have your own moral compass, and you are allowed to consider all the opinions around you and treat them as only that. Opinions. You get to decide for yourself what to do with your body.’
I laugh. ‘I’m pretty sure that last line is the antithesis of everything the Catholic church teaches.’
‘Well, that makes me angry,’ she says quietly, before visibly collecting herself.
‘But let’s look forwards, not backwards.
What brings you here? What do you hope to get out of the Unfurl programme?
Use whatever language you feel comfortable with.
If speaking more broadly is easier for you, go for it. ’
I squirm on the sofa. Because some of the issues at hand, some of my hopes and dreams, are concepts I feel uneasy articulating in my head, let alone out loud with crude, sexual language.
When I’m in my rational state, at least.
When I’m under my covers with my fingers between my legs, the language the faceless strangers whisper to me is as crude, as graphic, as it is terrifying.
And I love it.
But I’m not about to admit any of that to Genevieve here, in the middle of the day, over a civilised oat milk latte.
So broad brush-strokes it is.
‘I’m sick of not knowing what all the fuss is about,’ I tell her.
‘I made a New Year’s resolution this January to lose my virginity, but I haven’t found anyone I’m attracted enough to, and who I trust enough to help me with it.
’ Except for your sex-god colleague, who I can’t stop fantasising about, but he terrifies me far too much, and I know he’d never go for someone as clueless as me.
‘Also, I don’t want it to be really crap. ’
Genevieve laughs. ‘Yep. That’s a valid fear.’
‘Exactly. I know it’ll be painful, but I don’t want it to be awkward and horrifying.
I want to be… in the moment, you know? There are things that…
do it for me, and I want to find someone who can turn me on.
’ I sigh in frustration at both my situation and my inability to articulate what I need in this context.
I wave my hand dismissively. ‘I just want someone to blow my mind and make me feel desirable instead of totally useless. Now I’ve waited this long, I think I owe it to myself to make it good.’
She’s smiling and nodding at me like she wholeheartedly approves of my answer.
‘Exactly. Exactly. Yeah, you can find someone in a bar, and date them, and allow them to take your virginity off your hands, and it might be nice, it might be meh, or it might be excruciating. Here, in the Unfurl programme, it’s all about you.
You’re in the driving seat. You don’t have to worry about impressing anyone.
It’s just about what you want and need. Does that sound good? ’
I bite my lip. ‘Yeah.’
Her grin broadens. ‘Excellent. Now, you mentioned a second ago that you’re already aware of some of the things that turn you on. You don’t have to share what those are right now, unless you want to?’
I shake my head vigorously. No bloody way.
‘Got it. But I want you to think about what those things are, because those are the very fantasies we can make a reality for you.’
My face must be betraying my apprehension, because she hesitates and licks her lips.
‘Look, Belle. You’re female. It’s highly unlikely you’re going to walk into a room, take off your clothes for a complete stranger you have no connection with, and have spontaneous orgasms left, right and centre. Am I right?’
I let out a laugh of relief. ‘Yeah. Exactly.’
‘Especially since you may still have some legacy hang-ups that have you feeling a little—guilty about all of this, maybe? Or apprehensive, at least?’
‘Yes.’ The word comes out more forcefully than I intend.
‘Totally normal. Totally. Listen carefully. This is where your fantasies and your own particular kinks, no matter how mild or extreme they are, will come into play, because if we know what you’re into, that will help to get you out of your head.
It will transcend what’s actually happening. Does that make sense?’
‘Yeah—I suppose so.’ Truthfully, it makes total sense.
Because the vague pleasure I felt at the hands of my two main exes was nothing compared to the feverish, sweaty desperation I feel at my own hands when I give my imagination permission to override everything I’ve been taught and go along with the X-rated movies in my mind.
‘That will be an important tool for you,’ she says.
She pats the iPad between us. ‘I have an idea. There are a few more fields I’d like to include in your questionnaire, now that I’ve chatted with you.
How do you feel about me emailing it over to you later?
I’d encourage you to carve out some time to do it, maybe have a glass of wine, or put on some nice underwear.
Do whatever it takes for you to feel aroused and sexy and in control.
And then listen to your body and take its responses to the questions into account. Does that make sense?’
I nod meekly and hum an affirmative.
She smiles mischievously. ‘Touch yourself before you get started, if that helps. But don’t allow yourself to come before you finish it. You’ll be truer to your desires if you answer those questions from a place of arousal.’
I nod again and press my lips together.
I cannot believe I’m having this conversation with a woman I’ve only just met.
I cannot believe I’m considering putting any of this stuff into practice.
Maddy is going to absolutely die when I fill her in.
As I pick up my bag, and Genevieve walks me to the door, I have a thought. ‘Can I ask about cost? Rafe didn’t mention it.’
‘Of course,’ she says. ‘I should have brought it up. My apologies.’ She names a sum so cursory I blink.
‘How is that possible?’ I ask. I have no idea about these things, but I’m sure somewhere like this must cost five or six figures a year for a full membership. What she’s quoting me would buy me a couple of spa days, max.
Genevieve stops and turns to face me. She’s smiling.
‘Firstly, consider it a kind of trial run. We’d love to see you as a full-time member after you’ve been through the programme.
And secondly—I’m not sure how to put this delicately.
You may have some misguided theory that we’re doing you a favour here.
But a young woman like you, as stunning and desirable as you are, who’s never been properly touched?
Do you have any idea how much of a turn-on that is for our members? ’
I stare at her. The flash of red streaks up my neck and heats both cheeks.
It’s instantaneous. We haven’t discussed the actual machinations of how the course might proceed.
Apparently, that all comes after they’ve processed my interview and questionnaire.
Obviously, I’ve wondered about who these men might be.
The ones who help me. Who put their hands and mouths on me, as Rafe suggested.
But not once has it occurred to me that I’m a draw. That having some willing virgin lay herself out like fresh meat and submit to their desires might be something these unknown, carnal men may appreciate.
May pay through the nose for.
‘Oh,’ I say dumbly.
‘Don’t worry.’ She puts a hand on my arm.
‘We handpick everyone who interacts with you in this programme with the utmost care. Your wellbeing and satisfaction are our priority. Make no mistake about it. But if you do this, you’ll be every fantasy come to life for whomever is lucky enough to get chosen to take you on this journey.
’ She winks. ‘Believe me, they’ll get just as much out of it as you will.
Participation in the Unfurl programme is one of the greatest thrills we can possibly give our members. ’