Chapter 33 #2
It makes sense. Zach can’t possibly bear the burden for everyone else’s grief, even though I can’t imagine how awful it will be for his parents-in-law to find out their dead daughter’s husband has a new girlfriend.
God, it’s all so fucking brutal. But he’s right, of course.
He has to put on his own oxygen mask first, and I suppose him knowing that he deserves to be happy is a great place for him to have got to in his grieving process.
‘Do you think the girls will really be okay with it?’ I ask him. Because this is the big one. They have to come first. Before me. Before him, even. They’ve lost their mother. Having their dad wheel in some random new girlfriend could undo all the baby steps they’ve taken so far.
He sighs. ‘I honestly don’t know. It could go either way, really.
They adore you—you know that. They think you’re so fun.
But, you know, we’ve built up this little circle of three, and we’re tight.
I’m all they have, so I have to tread carefully.
But if you’re on board with it, I’ll have a chat with them. Sound them out.’
Our garlic bread arrives. It’s a huge pizza base, and it’s loaded with melted butter, fresh parsley and crispy garlicky shavings.
Oh my God. It is divine.
Zach watches in amusement as I dive right in. I grab a massive piece with both hands and shove the pointed end in my mouth before giving him a thumbs-up.
‘Is that for the bread or me talking to the girls?’
‘Both,’ I mutter through a mouthful of carbs. Uncouth, but worth it. My mouth is filled with the most incredible taste of garlic butter.
He takes a much more polite bite and chews before asking, ‘What else?’
I stare at him over my acre of garlic bread.
‘Come on, Mads. Out with it.’
I wash my mouthful down with some Tignanello before replying.
‘I’m wondering if you’re sure about this.
’ He raises his eyebrows, but I stumble on.
‘You’re still grieving—I know you are. And that’s okay.
But I’m wondering if I’m enough for you.
Look, I’m well aware I’m an extremely good fuck.
But that’s one thing. Having me as your girlfriend is, like, totally another. ’
‘Why?’ he asks, an intense look on his face.
I wave my hand around. ‘Because, come on. I might be in over my head here. I mean, I don’t know how to look after anyone but myself, and I’m still at the stage in my life where it all feels a bit like a game, really.
Like I’m playing. But your shit—that’s some serious stuff.
And I think maybe you need someone more… heavyweight.’
He opens his mouth to answer, and I hold up a hand to stop him. ‘One more thing. I’m just—this wasn’t part of the plan, you know? I was just supposed to fuck you till I got bored and you felt better, and clearly I’m very, very un-bored by you. But.’
‘But what, sweetheart?’ he asks softly.
I sigh. It’s possibly a little over-dramatic, just like what I’m about to say.
‘But, even though you’re being really sweet to me, I just—I’m worried you don’t really feel how you think you feel about me because of what you’ve gone through.
Like maybe I’m just a hot little distraction and you’re confused about your feelings.
‘And I also feel like I’m in way over my head and I have no fucking clue how to do any of this grownup stuff, like be with a guy like you who I want to make happy more than anything else, but I don’t know how to look after you and be what your girls need too, because I’m out of my depth, and maybe it’ll all be a total shitshow. ’
I ram the rest of my piece of garlic bread into my mouth before I can say a single other stupid thing and slump in my chair.
He’s staring at me, his bread suspended in mid-air. ‘Fucking hell, Mads.’
I roll my eyes. ‘I know.’
‘You do a very good job of hiding all this stuff under a veneer of extreme confidence.’
I shrug. ‘I’m very confident in the bedroom. That’s where we’ve spent most of our time.’
‘You’re confident at work too,’ he says.
He puts his bread down. ‘Okay. That was a lot of thoughts, but really, there’s just one issue in my mind, and that’s that you make me stupidly, obscenely happy, sweetheart.
You are a walking fucking ray of light and I can’t tell you how attractive that is, and I also can’t tell you how badly I need your light. ’
I watch his face, wanting badly to believe his words. ‘Really?’
He nods. ‘Really. I have enough fucking weight, and darkness, in my life. I need some fucking levity. I love being around you because you remind me it’s possible to live in a pure and joyous way.’
I grimace. ‘I wouldn’t say pure.’
He laughs. ‘Pure filth, more like. But you know what I mean. I can’t fight my darkness with more darkness, Mads.
I’ve tried. It’s a fucking disaster. My only hope of building a meaningful future for me, and for my daughters, is to focus on moving forward, and on choosing the light while honouring what an amazing wife and mother Claire was.
And that’s not to say I’m using you just for your light like a beautiful little candle. ’
His face grows serious. ‘At first, I might have been trying to find oblivion through you, to be honest. It was so fucking tempting to just lose myself in you. But lately, I feel more found than lost.’
I press my lips together as tears sting the corners of my eyes, because that is simply the most beautiful thing anyone has ever said to me.
And I want so badly to believe him.