Chapter 47
Aida
SIMONE: What did you get up to late last week, Aida?
ME: In a nutshell, I had sex with Callum.
SIMONE: To recap. He’s the first person you’ve had any sexual relations with since your divorce, correct?
ME: Exactly.
SIMONE: So last time we sat down, you’d had your massage, which had a very happy ending for you. And it sounded like that was a heavily planned, highly choreographed event?
ME: It was. Well, the ending wasn’t. [Laughs] But the overall concept was, yes.
SIMONE: And did you go with the same route for the next step in, for want of a better word, unfurling yourself?
ME: I didn’t. I’ve been fortunate to have a lot of creative licence with this production, and that’s something I pushed for, because there was no way I was cramming my sexual reawakening into someone else’s schedule.
SIMONE: Quite right. So how did you approach the next step?
ME: We had a tentative plan to meet up at Alchemy, Callum’s club, when it was empty. But I found out they were hosting a big masked ball there last week, and I guess the same side of me that’s dragged me into the middle of riots and terror attacks and even war zones smelt a story.
SIMONE: Yeah, you’ve never had much of a survival instinct.
ME: [Laughs] Right?
SIMONE: So you signed yourself up for this masked ball. And I’m guessing masked ball is a polite term for a sex party?
ME: It was an orgy, yes. [Licks bottom lip nervously] So there were a lot of firsts for me that night.
SIMONE: You’re telling me. Wow. [Looks around comedically] Okay, no one from your production company has pulled the plug on your mic yet, so I suppose you’d better keep going with your fabulous adventure. Can I ask, was this just your nose for a good story driving you? Or was it something deeper?
ME: It was both. I instinctively knew a party would make for better TV. We got some early footage of the setup and the performers before the guests showed up. I wanted it to be immersive for the viewers.
That said, it was more about me pushing my boundaries, going to places I’m not necessarily comfortable.
As you say, I’ve always done that in my career, so why not my sex life?
This show is called Searching for Paradise, and the masked ball idea sat so well with that.
If my current journey is a quest for pleasure on my terms, then perhaps this is what finding paradise looks like for me.
SIMONE: It seems like you’re taking that idea of what you want and what you deserve up an entire notch from where you started out, and I love seeing this organic shift in your expectations.
ME: Thank you. It’s definitely a realignment, but it really does feel organic.
This is an adaptive experience for me. I’m recalibrating as I go along, working out what feels right for me.
And I’m partnering with a sex club, for God’s sake.
So I may as well provide myself and our viewers with something a little more boundary-pushing than some very safe, very vanilla, choreographed sex. Right?
SIMONE: Amen to that. Now, I despise myself for being so utterly predictable, but did you, ahem, find paradise last week?
ME: [Laughs] I did, thank you for asking. And then some.
SIMONE: Lucky girl. You’ve already told us you had sex with the divine Callum, and I’m sure every woman and a decent number of the men watching are jealous as hell of you right now. But what else can you tell us?
ME: I will say this. Pretty much everything I did that night was outside of my physical comfort zone, and a lot of it was outside my mental comfort zone, even.
We all have fantasies, really dark ones, that live in our heads but that we don’t suffer too often.
We don’t give them oxygen, and we often shame ourselves for having them, even when simply imagining something harms absolutely nobody.
A big part of my journey to where I am now has been unlearning a lot of the damaging rhetoric that we, especially women, have been told is damaged or perverted or even, if you’ve been brought up religious, sinful.
But putting those fantasies into practice last week in a safe space, with a sexual partner who I trust implicitly, was simply incredible.
And I’ll also say this. When you act on your fantasies with other consenting adults, the sky does not fall.
I haven’t been struck by lightning or burst into flames.
It’s all good. The experience was so liberating.
It was scary and unfamiliar and fun. So much fun.
Kind of like going on a rollercoaster ride.
It’s a wonderful human experience when you feel endangered but you know deep down you’re safe. This was similar.
SIMONE: You mentioned how important it is to have a partner you can trust. How much did Callum play into this whole experience?
ME: He was integral, absolutely. I know he was doubtful ahead of the event that it was the right format for our next step, but we both came away very happy. I find him incredibly attractive, obviously, because I have a pulse. [Laughs] He’s caring, and I trust him with my wellbeing. We communicate.
And I know I’m in safe hands, because he’s far more experienced than me. And believe me, putting yourself in the hands of someone who knows exactly what they’re doing is very, very rewarding.
SIMONE: You’re several weeks into this journey. How are you feeling at this point? Do you feel different?
ME: Yeah, I do. First, I feel extremely proud of myself for doing this, because as I’ve said, I push myself for stories, so why not push myself for my own wellbeing?
I want to know what I’ve been missing by adhering to deeply ingrained, hetero-normative, monogamous, and you could say, patriarchal, cultural norms. I want to be the so-called bad girl for once, and I’m thrilled to confirm that there’s nothing bad about what I’ve been doing.
I’m also happier. Lighter, I guess. I’m a pretty intense person, and I’m a working single mom, which means duty always comes first. These past few weeks have shown me a whole other side of myself.
I’d go so far as to say I like myself better.
It seems I’m a nicer person when I’m having regular orgasms.
[Both laugh]
SIMONE: Hallelujah. So, my overachieving angel. You’ve shot the lights out on your last mandate. You were supposed to go off and get laid, but Aida Russell has, of course, to take it one step further and get stuck into an orgy. All that remains, then, is to ask what the utter fuck is next?
ME: [Smiles] Ask me in a week or two when I’ve worked it out.