Chapter 30
CHAPTER THIRTY
FIONA
Another day. Another hour in this mausoleum of a house where every echo reminds me I’m alone.
I kick off my shoes by the door, missing my own home more with each passing minute. The creaky floorboards. The scent of my favorite candle drifting from the kitchen. The tiny chipped mug that didn’t match anything else in the cabinet.
I miss the warmth of a cozy home. Of knowing every corner and crevice. Knowing who I was when I lived there.
Poe’s meow cuts through the quiet as I sink onto the massive sectional. He leaps up gracefully, tail flicking once before he curls it around my side as he rubs against my waist.
“No, Poe.” My fingers brush through his soft fur. “Of course I don’t miss him. What gave you such an awful idea?”
He meows again, this time sharper, and I glare halfheartedly at him.
“So what if he’s ignoring me?” My eyes narrow. “I should be happy. I mean, I am happy.”
He gives another meow, and I huff.
“Oh, shut up. What do you know?”
He flicks his tail and jumps to the floor, leaving me alone.
I let out a sigh. What else is new? I’m always alone.
I press my fingers against my temples.
No. No, we’re not doing this tonight.
Grabbing my phone off the sofa, I scroll to Emilia’s name, thumb hovering. Distraction. That’s what I need. Something to pull me out of this spiral.
Fiona
Are you home?
She replies instantly.
Emilia
Yep. Wanna come over? I’ll show you the baby’s room. We just finished setting it up.
My heart tugs. This is exactly what I need.
Fiona
I’d love that.
Emilia
Finally. Get your ass over here before I change my mind.
The smallest smile bends my mouth. I close the texts and head to the closet to retrieve my shoes, then walk back out to my car.
The drive doesn’t take more than fifteen minutes before I arrive on their private road. The Marinov estate sits at the end of a winding road flanked by trees in a deep forest. Men in dark clothing allow me through the gate as I ease my car forward.
After sliding into a spot beside the driveway, I climb the cobblestone steps, angelic white columns greeting me as I ring the bell.
Inside, the foyer gleams with polished white marble and a chandelier so massive it looks like it could crush a person if it ever decided to fall. Emilia meets me halfway across the floor, her arms open and her grin wide.
“So glad you came,” she says, pulling me into a hug. Her small belly presses against mine.
I can’t believe she’s going to be a mom.
“You look beautiful.” I step back to take her in. “How are you feeling?”
“Pretty good. Just tired all the time. And you?” She links her arm through mine and pulls me into the den. “Tell me everything.”
I let out a sigh as she leads me to the den, where we lower ourselves onto the white leather sofa. A lit fireplace crackles in the corner, a tray of tea and cookies resting on the coffee table.
“I’m fine. Everything’s good.”
I’m not sure why I’m lying. Maybe because the truth is harder to digest.
“You’re fine, my ass. I know that face. You’ve got something bottled up so tight, it’s practically vibrating through your skin. So talk.”
My lips twitch despite myself.
She softens, reaching out to brush my hand. “Come on, Fi. You know you can talk to me.”
I stare into the fire, muscles drawn tight, and then it all comes out.
“I don’t know what the hell is going on with me,” I whisper. “I never wanted to feel this way.” I pinch the bridge of my nose. “But it’s like I can’t stop it, you know?”
“Feel what?” She scoots in closer to me.
“Aleksei. He’s never home, and I’m supposed to be relieved, you know?
But I’m not.” I let out a dry laugh. “It’s like he went from total psycho to kind of sweet to completely distant just like that.
Every day, I wake up in that house and he’s not there.
Every night, I go to sleep wondering where he is.
Who he’s with. And I shouldn’t care. God, I shouldn’t care.
” I grip my hair in a tight fist. “But I do, Emilia. And I hate that I do.”
Emilia says nothing, just lets me talk.
“I hate how empty that house feels. I hate that I’m starting to notice the way my chest tightens when he’s not around. I hate that I look for signs that he was home while I was asleep, like some idiot sniffing pillows.” I shake my head at myself.
What happened to me?
Is this what she felt when she first got involved with Konstantin? Because she tried to resist him. She didn’t want him. But now they’re married and she’s happy.
Can I have that? Could I even let myself have it with someone like Aleksei?
Emilia squeezes my hand, mouth pinching sympathetically.
“I’m scared.” The words tumble out before I can stop them. “Because if I let myself want this, want him, then what does that say about me?”
Silence stretches between us for a few agonizing seconds.
“That you’re human, Fiona. Nothing in life is ever black and white. You know that. Somewhere deep inside, you do.”
She’s right, but still, this is different.
“That would mean accepting what he does for a living. Accepting crime and murder—and worse, making excuses for it because he’s mine.
I just…I don’t know how to do that.” I slant my head.
“I hope I’m not offending you, and I’m sorry if it comes across the way it sounds, but I just have no one to talk to about it and—”
She throws a palm into the air. “Don’t do that. Come on, Fi. We’ve been through so much together, and you think I’d be offended at that? Please? You don’t think I sometimes sit here and think about how objectively insane all this is?”
“Tell me how to fix it,” I beg. “Because I’m not you, and he’s not Konstantin. He doesn’t care about me or want me that way. He wants to use me. And it’s a cold day in hell if I’ll ever allow him to do that.”
Even though I’ve allowed it plenty, but like she said, I’m only human.
“You’re right. He isn’t Konstantin. But maybe underneath all that assery, there’s actually a human being in there somewhere.”
“Assery? That’s not even a word.” I let out a laugh, my body feeling lighter the more we talk.
“It’s not? Because it should be.”
I blow out a breath. “I don’t think this can ever work between us.”
“I hope it can, because he has no plans to divorce you. I had Konstantin talk to him, and he won’t budge.”
Great…
“Maybe you should talk to him. Tell him it’s bothering you that’s he’s never home.”
My laugh falls out of me, dry and hollow. “And make myself sound like a pathetic, lovesick idiot? No, thank you. But even if I wanted to, I can’t on account of, you know, him never being around.”
“Right.” She nods. “God…” She leans back. “I never thought we’d end up with two Russian mobsters. They should write a book about us.”
My face twists. “Mm, yeah, no. I prefer if they didn’t.”
Heavy footsteps grow closer, and Konstantin appears.
“Fiona.” His smile stretches. “How nice it is to finally see you in our home, sistra.”
He comes closer, and I very reluctantly get up and greet him with a quick hug. Though if I had a gun to my head, I’d admit I actually kinda like him now.
I shudder at the thought.
He walks over to Emilia, pressing a soft kiss to her lips. One hand cradles her cheek, the other resting protectively on her belly, and the back of my nose stings. Blinking back my emotions, I push a few strands of hair behind my ear.
When they finally pull apart, their eyes stay pinned, their love so palpable it feels like something I could reach out and touch. God, I envy that.
“So…” Konstantin settles on the other side of her. “I didn’t mean to eavesdrop, but I couldn’t help overhearing something about my brother never being around, and that it’s bothering you.” He tsks softly. “Well, we can’t have that. How can I help?”
“Other than forcing him to sign the divorce papers?” I mutter. “I don’t know, maybe start by telling me where he is and who he’s with.”
He flips a hand in the air. “How about I take you to him?”
My eyes widen, and when I glance at Emilia, her expression mirrors mine.
“Wait…you know where he is?”
“Of course I do. I know everything that goes on.” The sly grin that follows makes it clear: of course he does. “So, do you want me to take you?”
A chill runs down my body, like it’s telling me something. “Uh…am I going to hate this?”
“Probably.” The corner of his mouth tips up. “Is that alright, moya lyubimoya? I will just drop her off and return.”
“Sure.” She shrugs. “But make sure she’s not alone. I don’t trust your brother.”
He snickers. “She won’t be alone. Kirill and Anton will be there.”
Emilia pops a single brow. “That’s not saying much.”
He can’t help but smirk.
“I’ll go, but not until you show me the baby’s room,” I tell her.
“It’s settled, then,” Konstantin says. “You girls have fun. I’ll be here answering my emails, and when you are ready, we will go.”
“I love you,” Emilia says as she rises, going over to kiss him.
And when she does, his entire face softens, his hand clasping the back of her head as he pins his forehead to hers. It’s intimate in a way that feels sacred, and I have to look away and give them their moment, clinging to the foolish hope that maybe someday I’ll have something that real.
“Ya teba bolshi lyublu.”
I don’t know what any of that means, but if I had to guess, he just told her he loves her too.
I sit stiffly in the front seat, the leather cold beneath me as trees whip past in the dark, nothing but shadows and sky out the window. The headlights catch on the road in sharp bursts, slicing through the silence like warnings I can’t decipher.
I don’t know where we’re going. Konstantin still hasn’t told me. And the longer he stays quiet, the more the unease builds.
Finally, just when I’m about to ask, he speaks.
“My brother,” he says, voice even but distant, “was shaped by our father. Molded, really. Like steel in fire. All of us were.”
I glance at him from the corner of my eye. He doesn’t look back. His gaze stays fixed on the road, one hand loose on the wheel, the other resting on his thigh.
“Our father was…cruel,” he continues. “In ways I won’t bore you with.
Unlike me, Aleksei wanted his approval. A kind word, for him to say he was proud.
But it never came. All he received was more cruelty until whatever part of him craved love died too.
You see, not everyone gets over that sort of thing. It’s in you, and sometimes it is loud.”
A lump forms in my throat while my fingers twitch in my lap, a strange ache building beneath my ribs.
For the first time, I feel bad for my husband. For what he must’ve lived through. For the scars on his chest.
Did his father give him those?
“But Aleksei…” Konstantin goes on, almost contemplative. “He wants more. Even if he doesn’t know how to get it. And I think you might be the one person who could show him.”
I exhale slowly, his words sitting heavy inside me.
“My brother cares about you.” He glances over. “And just as it is for you, I’m sure this is all confusing for him. The things he feels for you. But if there’s even a chance you want a life with him, don’t give up on him. We would welcome you into this family with open arms.”
“Th-thank you.” I look out the window again, blinking away my emotions, heart ticking faster than I want to admit.
A life with Aleksei. What would that even look like?
Would it ever feel safe, or would it always feel like I’m standing on the edge of a blade, waiting for him to cut me just to see how much I’ll bleed?
“He’s stubborn,” Konstantin says with a faint smile. “Since we were kids, he always was, so you may have to give him a little extra time to come around, but he will.”
A quiet breath slips out of me, something between a laugh and a sigh. Maybe it’s amusement. Maybe it’s exhaustion. At this point, I can’t even tell the difference.
“I don’t know what I want,” I admit. “I don’t know if he’ll ever get over our past. Or my job. And I don’t know if I’ll ever get over who he is. And shit, he threatened my parents, for fuck’s sake.”
Konstantin shrugs like it’s no big deal. “In our world, threats are leverage. A way to make people do what we want. And for my brother…that’s the only currency he thinks he has with you.”
That definitely doesn’t make me feel better. It makes me feel like a pawn. Like every moment we’ve shared is tangled in strings he pulls tight around my throat.
But I don’t say any of that. I just press my lips together and let the silence swallow it whole, wondering what it would even look like to be loved by a man like Aleksei Marinov, and whether love from someone like him could ever come without a price.