Chapter 12
TWELVE
Alex
july
“Ohhh, now that’s a good boy!” Constantine praises the corgi sitting at his feet, wagging his tail. “This one could be good.” I narrow my eyes at him, and he bursts out laughing.
“I’m not getting a fucking corgi, Connie.”
“Why not?” He asks incredulously.
“His legs are too fucking short for long-distance hikes, that’s why.” He dramatically rolls his eyes, patting the corgi’s head for good measure, flipping over the dog tag to read its name.
“Sorry, Milton. Maybe next time.” I should get the dog for Connie.
We walk around the kennel, stopping at a couple different crates, when Connie gestures for me.
“Now I know this is cliché, but c’mon, look at this little guy.” A German Shepherd puppy is huddled in the corner of his crate. I take one look, and I’m a fucking goner.
“Yeah…” I get down on my haunches and hold my fingers up to the crate. “Hey bud, look at you.” I make a clicking sound, and the pup slowly rises and pads over, his tail tucked between his legs.
“It’s alright,” I coax him. One of the volunteers at the shelter comes to stand beside me.
“Oh yeah, the little guy just came in two days ago. Maybe 14 weeks old.”
“He’s perfect,” I say.
“What’re you going to name him?” Constantine asks.
Well, since we were already a walking cliché, “Delta.” I smile when he finally makes it to me, his wet nose pushing against my hand. “You wanna go home, bud?”
Connie asks the volunteer to get the paperwork going, and I open the crate to let Delta roam. He sniffs and explores, his wet nose running up my arms and over my pants and shoes, making me smile.
“She’s gonna love you.”
Calling feels like the right move. So I tap her name and wait.
It’s been almost a month, and I haven’t called or texted outside of making sure she settled into her new place without issues. After that, I left her alone, hoping we could meet on the other end of things to start over. As friends.
Maybe I still want more than friendship…but I would take what I could get.
On the second ring, she picks up. Whispering, she asks, “Is everything okay?” She sounds worried.
“Yeah, everything’s fine, just-why are you whispering?”
“Because I’m at work.”
“Why are you working?”
“If this isn’t an emergency, can we talk later, please?”
“Yeah, call me or text if you want, you know. Whenever.” Fuck. Didn’t come out sounding as cool or as calm as I had hoped.
“Okay, bye, Alex.” She hangs up. The sting over her hanging up burns. Maybe it’s still too soon.
Em
Sorry, I’ve been meaning to call back. Just busy.
A
It’s too soon, I get it.
Yeah… Sorry.
august
A
Semester starts next week, right?
Em
I actually transferred to State, so I have an extra week.
That’s awesome.
Any chance you want to grab a coffee or something?
Ask me next month.
Will do.
september
A
Pumpkin Spice Latte?
Em
For me or for you?
Yes.
That’s surprising, honestly. When?
This weekend, if you’re free.
Sure, you can come see my new place.
Her building is downtown, an older one recently converted to condos.
The area is artsy, and it suits her. I like to imagine her walking to get coffee in the morning at the bodega down the street, picking up fresh flowers at the farmers market on the way home.
I hope she has a nice life. Hopefully, she’s happy.
“Guys, chill.” I tug on their leashes, and they both stop trying to get the chihuahua walking across the street.
When we walk up to the entrance, she’s standing there waiting to let us in.
Her blue eyes go wide, and she smiles from ear to ear.
She looks happy. I don’t know if it’s to see us, but she looks healthy and happy.
She’s still sporting a tan in late September, and her hair has been cut a little shorter.
She’s wearing it curly, too. I love her curly hair; it’s my favorite version of her.
“Oh my god. Who are these!?!” She squeals, falling to her knees to pet the two dogs.
“The well-behaved one is Delta. And the one who can’t keep it in his pants is Milton.” Milton is on his hind legs, licking Emma’s face. Delta patiently waits his turn, tail wagging.
“You got TWO dogs?!” I laugh, watching both dogs lose their shit over her.
“I make no claims to Milton. I’m dog-sitting. But uh, yeah, Delta’s mine.” She looks up at me and smiles. Like she’s proud of me or something, and my stomach knots.
“Okay, well, come on.” She takes the drink carrier out of my hands so I can manage the dogs, and then leads us to an elevator.
“Do you like it here?” She shrugs at my question.
“It’s not Spearhead…” Her words seem edged with sadness.
I want to tell her she can come back anytime, but I’m aiming for light and easy today.
Selfishly, I hope this meetup might lead to another because I do miss her…
and I still love her. Not having her in my life is more challenging than I imagined it would be.
It’s not Jess-soul-crushing hard, but life hasn’t been the same with her gone.
Delta helps, but we’re sleeping in her bed…still. The two of us. So there’s that.
“It’s cool.” I look around at all the original Art Deco features.
“There’s a rooftop pool,” she says with a smile.
“Sounds like you’re living the dream.” I mean it, but she laughs disingenuously and rolls her eyes.
“Yeah, the dream.”
We’re quiet the rest of the way up to her condo on the fourth floor. There are only two units per floor, so as soon as we exit the elevator, we turn, and she unlocks the door on the right.
“Neighbors, okay?” I ask because I worry.
“Yeah, she teaches pilates. So pretty quiet. She likes her sleep. It’s great for me.” Thank fuck. “So this is it.”
The plain door opens to a modern space. White painted walls, all white or light wood furniture, but there’s still pops of color.
Bright art, a purple throw blanket, a huge bouquet of wildflowers in a turquoise vase on her coffee table.
It’s very Emma, yet somehow she still doesn’t belong. Not here, at least.
“You’ve done a lot.” I look around the space.
“It’s been three months now…” Yeah, it has. An awkward silence falls over the room.
“Do you mind if I let them off their leashes?”
“Oh my gosh, of course, please.” She immediately bends down to help Delta off leash while I do Milton’s.
With the dogs loose, I pull off my backpack and set it down on a chair to get out the bag of pastries, dog bowls, and treats.
“Look at you. You’re like a real dog dad.” She laughs as she watches me pull out a water bottle to fill the travel bowls. I look up at her from where I’m crouched down and smile.
Her cheeks turn pink, and she whips around to start moving the pastries out of the bag and onto a plate.
I watch as she goes on her toes to reach for glasses off a shelf. Her legs are toned and tan, and I can’t help running my eyes up and down her body. Fuck, I miss those limbs tangled with mine at night.
“So I want to hear about…everything.” The house is considerably quieter without her nightly anecdotes about professors or lab partners she can’t stand.
There are no clanging pans in the kitchen in the evenings.
No one to make blackberry pancakes for. I mean, except for Delta, who eats better than I do.
“Okay, like what?” She laughs, nervously pushing a piece of hair behind her ear as she takes a seat, pushing a chair towards me to do the same.
“Well, where are you working?” I think I choose the most basic question first, but she has to think about it like she’s debating not telling me.
“The library, on campus.” I nod.
“You know, you don’t have to work. If you need money–” She raises her hand up to stop me.
“I don’t, but I can’t be alone that much.
It’s not healthy for me. Work helps. I know…
” I watch as she counts them off in her head, “Four more people now.” The awkward laugh comes again.
“I haven’t made any friends, but this way, I at least have people to talk to.
” God, just a fucking dagger to the chest. I’ve never wanted to hug someone so bad in my life.
“When I’m not at work, I’m in class or studying. And then I joined a rock climbing gym. And Sarah, the next-door neighbor, roped me into doing pilates a couple times a week. So, I think that pretty much covers everything.” Her life sounds full, but somehow, she still seems empty.
“Are you happy?” I ask. Her sort-of-smile fades. We both look at each other for nearly a whole minute.
“You know we’re basically the same person, Alex,” she says, looking away. “So I’ll ask you the same. Are you happy?” She picks at invisible lint on her shorts.
I opt for the truth. “I was happier when you were there.”
She does the same, “I was too.”
It seems like a no-brainer; we’re happier together, but I also know I’ll likely hurt her again.
And again.
Eventually, she digs into the almond croissant I got her.
“So, how long have you had Delta now?” The dog trots over at the mention of his name, and she rewards him with pets.
“Two months.”
“You should’ve led with that when you called! I can’t believe I’ve missed out on two months of puppy! Do you have pictures?” I smile, knowing I definitely should have led with Delta, but that would have been playing dirty.
It still might be too soon for us.
“Of course.” I hand over my phone, already open to the folder in photos dedicated to my dog.
“Wow, CT is getting big,” she says as she swipes through the photos, stopping at the one of Delta and my sister’s dog, Luna, chasing around a crawling CT.
“W-what’d you tell your family? About us?” She looks up, passing the phone back to me.
“Nothing.” It’s the truth. They asked about Emma a couple times, and I told them the truth.
She’s busy with summer courses. “Well, except for Connie. He knows you moved out.” I don’t need Brit feeling sorry for me that while I’m getting a divorce, Jess and Damian are planning a wedding.
That news had been fun to navigate. Having Delta helped.
Made sure I got out of bed, forced me outdoors.
Eventually, it started to feel like whoever Jess is isn’t someone I know anymore.
“About that…” She trails off. We haven’t gotten divorced. It’s also only been a few months since she moved out. I wasn’t even thinking about it, to be honest. “Do you want to get divorced?” The answer is clear to me. No. But that was me being a selfish fuck. I know.
What I say instead is, “Whenever you’re ready or want to, just say the word.
” It isn’t an answer, but I don’t see the rush.
Maybe we wouldn’t work out right now, but who’s to say it wouldn’t eventually?
Emma and I were good partners at the end of the day.
We have similar interests. We like the same things. We click together.
“Okay,” it comes out quieter than I would have liked.
The impulse to tell her I miss her is there. To ask if she would think about making this hanging out thing regular. I want to take her face in my hands, kiss her, and say, “I love you. I want you to be happy.” Not that we kiss; hadn’t since that first day, nine months ago.
Instead of doing any of that, we sit, eating in silence. When Milton starts whining, she suggests a walk.
“Let’s do it.” I would love nothing more. I smile at her, and we grab leashes, but before we walk out the door, I pull her in for a hug.
Wrapping my arms around her shoulders, I put a hand in her hair to bring her closer. Her hands are on my back, bracing me, and we stand, breathing each other in. As I drop a kiss on her forehead, Delta barks. Jealous fucker.
We both laugh and smile, then head out the door.